performance: "bittersweet symphony"

youtube disabled embedding on the original video because its gotten over 14 million views, but this performance is great with coldplay to back richard ashcroft at live 8.

i want to go to a festival.

design: canvas by kyle cherry

it is a stunning laptop concept design for creatives specifically. with touchscreen, joystick, and stylish exterior to say the least. all i could think was: i would break that in two seconds.

for more pics: kylecherry.com

rambling: sleep & subdivision

its three a.m. i cannot sleep. its typical in how i describe myself nowadays. its just part of me. i try to make the best of it but its taking its toll.

i've been in a heightened state of irritability the past couple of days. i noticed that i feel pretty low after interviews...even if i feel it has gone well i lament the impending rejection or the stripping away of freedom. tends to feel like a lose/lose. i'm on the downside of a wave trying to flick myself back upwards. the kickback of having such energy and vibrancy for extended periods is that it wanes.

it dies down with a sigh.

i lose sight of what is in front me and regretfully, stand still. completely contradicting what gives me motivation: movement.

some of it is circumstance, some of it is my own mind [the part that doesn't like me very much]. my subdivisions pop out like blocks in a tower. mobile but not in a good way. the various sides of myself make me feel like i'm made of legos.

i have given into this concept of these parts making my whole because i believe i still know how to function. i know that even though the cynic is winning right now, the optimist is working on a plan to take her out.

both sides fight for dominance.
making it really hard to sleep.

i find distractions wherever possible, wide eyed and hopeful for a salvation that will not come which leads me to believe the truth is in the journey. there is no real goal at the end, the mucking through is the goal. this is what you do, this what you have to do.

the consistent back and forth is just to make it more interesting for you. for me. i never wanted a normal life. i never wanted typical. i have grown into all of my oddities and wear them like badges.

i do worry that i spend too much time in my head. but thankfully, this is an outlet i can maintain wherever i am. even if no one is paying attention, which often is the case with me, i can let it out.

i do feel inspired and busting with ideas but i fear they must wait. i have to be an adult in the worst sense of the word and conform.

maybe insomnia is the last frontier for me. i like the quiet. i like the darkness. i like the space. and yet i cannot give this time to creativity just yet.

the pieces are probably dangling in my face right now but i can't see them. height does not equal a better vantage point all the time.

my perspective and awareness tells me this is all self discovery. that i am in the heat of it. i told my mother recently that i know myself quite well. she believed me and i do as well now that i think about it. i can see outside of myself and see the bigger picture even while the rest of me is working away in the midst of it all.

its weird because you feel like you're narrating or scripting your life. you are not in it. i think that is why i love creating because i feel truly in sync with that moment. not thinking about it. i let go.
[music does this as well; probably why i will be deaf by thirty.]

like now. i ramble and let the words flow and all of sudden i have said something that has been meaning to come out for forever but gets trampled by all my other thoughts. my fingers can't even keep up with my brain.

but i think this tells me about my mood lately. i was in my head too much, and not creating. i should have stuck to my friday work rule. yep, interviews completely throw me off.

but its a new week, and the optimist has plans for me.
if only i could sleep.

photo: composing with paint

paint should be a three dimensional force. the technique is flawless.

image by ian crawford see more here.

rambling: music & meanders

when i am being self indulgent, i tend to pity myself. its easier i think. i vent in written word because i don't want to speak it into existence. but my goal is to bring light and life into the world yet my words come through harshly blunt and somewhat pitiful. but my saving grace is that i feel like there is something to be gleaned from it. even if i can't see it, someone else will.

i've been quiet again lately, namely i believe because i have been living in my other worlds of art and music. writing operates in a space for me that brings out my honesty, my confusion, my idealism, my need to find an awareness & connection. awareness of who i am and what is true to me and connecting the dots. taking all the nonsensical of my brain and laying it out for me to see it all. i have always been able to compose, to see the connections others cannot.

i have a mind that won't let me sleep and i feel like i am running in literal and mental circles. i am not complaining because i do this to myself. the low humming of creativity and curiosity keeps me a flutter. i believe i have outlets that i know work for me.

music. it saves me and it fascinates me as i have no musical talent of my own. i am always more interested in things i cannot do. it holds mystery and magic still. unlike art which now is a series of illusions and tricks and politics to me. well not entirely but its difficult when you can name the technique or can see a flaw.

i am obsessive, and i need space to let that roam and music is endless in that regard. tons for me to discover and let ooze into my skull. it invokes visuals and movement and language all at once. my artwork ebbs and flows this way. my hands move to the rhythm of the track playing and i compose to a beat. so being engulfed in this music that is pulling heart strings, waking me up, taking me to sleep, inspiring my work, humming my life. thus i have not written. the lyrics are doing that job. i am creating not typing.

if ramble i with words, i meander with images.
and just suck the life out of music.

i am addicted to it. i am in love with it. it is keeping me sane in times where i feel like i am not. it is driving me to find my universe that works for me. i can construct it. the real world beckons occasionally but i never like what it has to say.

i have been putting my head down and holding my breath. its difficult to hold on without result. without the blue ribbon. without the ridiculously large check. but the low humming tells me different. it purrs: there is light within me. i am one of those people. i will get the life i want. i must remind myself sometimes. my bad memory and rambling mind can get the best of me.

video: the kills 'last day of magic'

i have a thing for this, i can't put my finger on it. press play.

idea: re-up

so i love my lil baby here, phd, so i am thinking of some changes. a re-up to give her the due she is credited. but also making it a bit more interesting.

i don't like to repeat myself. i like to say it right and once.

though it does seem that a lot of my posts seem to land upon similar thoughts, but varying angles. this is all just the inner workings of my brain trying to make everything make some sort of sense. i can see the connections once its all laid out in front of me. which means, this thing is going to be made up of more smaller parts. similar to what is like now with the variety of post categories but more fun to play with.

i am unbelievably random and curious and excitable and obsessive and completely out of my mind but i think a touch of my craziness would be beneficial to you. if nothing else, it will make me feel better to get all of this out of my head. i have a constant streams of music, melodies, quotes, references, facts, comedy, inflections, dialogues, memories, analysis, images bouncing around, melding together, trying to connect the dots of why they have left an imprint on me.

maybe this is why i forget things. but i digress...

to put it succinctly, expect to see some changes round here.
that is if you are watching.