1/7/10
2010: so let me begin...
[i have neglected you, phd, and i apologize deeply, and offer a pretty starry picture.]
so it is a new year. a whole brand new spanking & kicking year and decade. besides it seems only fitting that i return at the beginning of something. my old posts seemed to be tied to an end. the depressing end of something and of course, the in-between period. and i am nothing if i am not reflective. so here's a good chance to catch up.
1. still no job... and as much as that sucks i am enjoying the mental freedom. i am surrounded by those whose existence is dominated by their jobs. either the ridiculous amount stress or the unbelievable dislike of traffic, or even the emptiness of no longer having a bell to answer. i am lucky.
2. applied to graduate school... the biggest benefit of not being employed was being able to figure out exactly what i would like to do. and as it so happens, graduate school is required. if, no, when i have my way i will have a masters in fine arts in either design or visual communications. the ultimate goal being to use design in education reform. being a professor would be amazing for me but namely i would like to use my design skills and thinking to aid & bring awareness to our education system.
3. i know what i want creatively... in working through all of these many hoops to land on my career, i realized that i do not want a stereotypical designer career. working in a firm, under the helm of some snooty veteran designer. consistently tied to technical bits of information that change at the drop of a thumb to click a mouse pad. i am really more artistic though i have a designer's mind. i cannot completely fly on the wings of snooty fancy in the art world or the technical coldness of design.
i am bits of both but above of all else, i am an independent. i enjoy being commissioned for what i do, not being told what to do. parameters, criticism, & collaboration are my dear friends but in the end, i like to do things my way. the stereotypical solo artist. but i know this will be the part of my life i keep separate from my career. my creativity needs not to be diluted by being the source of money, because it is a source of happiness for me. i need it to be pure. as pure as i can manage. which means i need to control it. too many times in freelance situations, i have felt like a whore at the whims of my clients searching for my monetary and creative fixes. that will not do for me. each design will be tainted if i let it go that way and i do not want to grow to hate or resent my creative need.
4. i got closure... this one is quite recent. very. meaning yesterday. i haven't spoke about my ex in a long while because i was doing all that i could to push him out of my system like detox. i didn't mean for it to be a malicious thing but it was necessary for me. and i needed to look after me for a change. and yesterday i got the chance to converse with him. and i am happy to say that i was right. i was right! not only that our relationship ran in reverse [basically marriage to friends] but also that we will always be connected.
it was also nice to pick up the old bantering rhythm. but i think that i was happiest to thank him for letting me go. he stated how he loved me too much and too truly to constantly take me through all that. i have realized that he was right to do so because i do not need to be a part of that life anymore. he always kept me at the brink of his madness but if we were still together, i would have just carried on with it all and eventually fallen right off the edge. mind you we talked through all of this months before actually breaking up, but for me, it had to be real and felt. i needed to hurt and go through the pain and come through on the other side and find that self worth for it to all make sense.
he knew this, the too smart for his own good sucker, so i am thankful. i get to let it go now. completely. no more questions unanswered or things unsaid. now its just a friend, if i ever need him.
the bottoms i reached in college seem to be the furthest away from me now and i find myself ready to be that person everyone seems to think i am capable of being. all of these people seem to see it. i don't want to prove them wrong. that is not my style. i am keeping my attitude high as much as i can. sulking cannot be a permanent state.
i feel responsible for my happiness. for the first time in a long time i feel like i am at the beginning of something.
[lastly, i will do better this year, phd. admittedly i missed u.]
11/15/09
discoveries: tim minchin
so in my long list of loves there always comes a point where there is one that is an amalgamation. a person who is reminiscent but fresh all at the same time. mind blowing in the their own right but still indicative of those that were found before them.
and tim minchin is one such person.
and since i am keeping track, i found him technically through noel while watching buzzcocks and wandered into his videos and have been up all night with him. he is australian, a pianist, a songwriter/poet, a satirist, a comedian, a singer, an actor, and has amazing eyes. he is clever as hell, adorable and theatrical, and is also a really really good singer and pianist.
he is clearly up my alley in every way but this following video sealed an already closed deal when it made me cry laughing, twice.
and tim minchin is one such person.
and since i am keeping track, i found him technically through noel while watching buzzcocks and wandered into his videos and have been up all night with him. he is australian, a pianist, a songwriter/poet, a satirist, a comedian, a singer, an actor, and has amazing eyes. he is clever as hell, adorable and theatrical, and is also a really really good singer and pianist.
he is clearly up my alley in every way but this following video sealed an already closed deal when it made me cry laughing, twice.
10/31/09
lessons: opinions, culture, & anglophilia
1. i do my hair better than anyone else ever has and it is cheap. [sidenote: i am all for supporting chris rock's good hair documentary but i already know that tale. but highly recommend others go see it. it will lessen the number awkward hair convos that you have with your friends.]
2. drag king shows aren't as interesting when they do a bunch of modern rock or hip hop songs. lackluster performances but they were amateurs so cheers for having the ummm guts to do it!
3. i love multitalented people.
4. even the shortest of ballerinas can command a stage. mozart's the magic flute was amazing. yay atlanta ballet!
5. another one of my siblings is moving back to atlanta...it's becoming a trend!
6. being out with my two good friends from high school reminded me that somethings will always feel natural.
7. my blood pressure is normal....thank the lord! my genetics have it in for me in that regard so i am elated bout that.
8. people do keep their word. as promised, the lovely people of iamx sent my surprise for designing the tote. i got three of my totes one of which has an autographed note from chris corner himself, two buttons, and an autographed copy of the latest single, my secret friend with imogen heap. i had squealy teenagery moment when i saw it, i can't even lie.
9. i do feel lonely, like an island, but i am understanding that its still better. before i felt like a deserted island, now i feel like fledgling paradise no one has discovered yet.
10. my anglophilia spans even into history. i have been watching vh1 classic all week, schooling myself on rock n roll legends: the who, the rolling stones, & queen. its funny when you see people in their prime, in the right context. you can see for yourself why they are unquestionable.
right now i am crushing on roger daltrey of the who. he was so so so nice in the tommy years and he has a voice i didn't expect. i loved the tommy movie as well. the performances from all three just made me jealous. we don't get performances and front men like that very often anymore. i mean queen at live aid, literally, had me gaping. that is the definition of crowd control. the who were great with their more or less balanced chaos while the stones slinked and grooved.
ahhh gotta love the brits. especially their open admittance of their music deriving from black music. the stones and the who were cover bands first and then produced their own work. i love that because they didn't just flat out steal without recognition like some other people we know. its cool to see the universal span black music had and has. it all comes back to us in the end don't it.
but really its the soul of it. its transcendental. its like how you know someone is lying. you can just feel it in there.
2. drag king shows aren't as interesting when they do a bunch of modern rock or hip hop songs. lackluster performances but they were amateurs so cheers for having the ummm guts to do it!
3. i love multitalented people.
4. even the shortest of ballerinas can command a stage. mozart's the magic flute was amazing. yay atlanta ballet!
5. another one of my siblings is moving back to atlanta...it's becoming a trend!
6. being out with my two good friends from high school reminded me that somethings will always feel natural.
7. my blood pressure is normal....thank the lord! my genetics have it in for me in that regard so i am elated bout that.
8. people do keep their word. as promised, the lovely people of iamx sent my surprise for designing the tote. i got three of my totes one of which has an autographed note from chris corner himself, two buttons, and an autographed copy of the latest single, my secret friend with imogen heap. i had squealy teenagery moment when i saw it, i can't even lie.
9. i do feel lonely, like an island, but i am understanding that its still better. before i felt like a deserted island, now i feel like fledgling paradise no one has discovered yet.
10. my anglophilia spans even into history. i have been watching vh1 classic all week, schooling myself on rock n roll legends: the who, the rolling stones, & queen. its funny when you see people in their prime, in the right context. you can see for yourself why they are unquestionable.
right now i am crushing on roger daltrey of the who. he was so so so nice in the tommy years and he has a voice i didn't expect. i loved the tommy movie as well. the performances from all three just made me jealous. we don't get performances and front men like that very often anymore. i mean queen at live aid, literally, had me gaping. that is the definition of crowd control. the who were great with their more or less balanced chaos while the stones slinked and grooved.
ahhh gotta love the brits. especially their open admittance of their music deriving from black music. the stones and the who were cover bands first and then produced their own work. i love that because they didn't just flat out steal without recognition like some other people we know. its cool to see the universal span black music had and has. it all comes back to us in the end don't it.
but really its the soul of it. its transcendental. its like how you know someone is lying. you can just feel it in there.
rambling: excuses & explanations
its funny to think that i feel the need to explain my absence to myself. i guess i am the one that i feel most accountable to right now. probably because i have a tendency to fail her...me. i hadn't felt like analyzing myself. someone had pressed pause again and i felt stuck like i was on fly paper. not to mention the creeping in loneliness and chill of autumn breezes making me miss parts of my old life. it seems more than a few months ago. a whole other era. leaps and bounds. i can't judge whether this is right or wrong, and give it a stamp but i can say that i feel better.
my sight is clearer. but i am not liking some of what i can now see.
times seem so bleak. but really its just a matter of patience. my focus has shifted towards something i thought i would never want: more school! i am applying to graduate school and thus pulled a brake on the job front for the moment. but the beauty of it is that i am not running into grad school as a haven from recession hell, but more so to do what i really want to do.
i figured it out! a career path. now granted i feel that my career and personal creative endeavors will remain separate but that is the beauty of it. i don't want the wrong passion to become my career because i will end up hating it. case in point: i haven't been able to enjoy listening to outkast again since finishing my seminar book.
so there it is my explanation. i have been knee deep in a melodramatic stand still depression while researching and applying to graduate school. i give myself excuses more than explanations sometimes i think. fluffy sounding reasons for not making the moves i need to. but writing forces me to explain. to be honest. to cut through some of the crap i tell myself to find some semblance of truth. its funny how you never have to dig too deep to find it.
my sight is clearer. but i am not liking some of what i can now see.
times seem so bleak. but really its just a matter of patience. my focus has shifted towards something i thought i would never want: more school! i am applying to graduate school and thus pulled a brake on the job front for the moment. but the beauty of it is that i am not running into grad school as a haven from recession hell, but more so to do what i really want to do.
i figured it out! a career path. now granted i feel that my career and personal creative endeavors will remain separate but that is the beauty of it. i don't want the wrong passion to become my career because i will end up hating it. case in point: i haven't been able to enjoy listening to outkast again since finishing my seminar book.
so there it is my explanation. i have been knee deep in a melodramatic stand still depression while researching and applying to graduate school. i give myself excuses more than explanations sometimes i think. fluffy sounding reasons for not making the moves i need to. but writing forces me to explain. to be honest. to cut through some of the crap i tell myself to find some semblance of truth. its funny how you never have to dig too deep to find it.
10/15/09
love: rufus wainwright
there is a new love in our midst. and though i am late, he is right on time for me. if you haven't already, get familiar with mr. rufus wainwright. brilliant songwriter, musician, performer and an adorable character to say the least. check him out here in a great interview and performing the song that made stop dead in my tracks. press play.
do you know how hard it was to not laugh at jonathan ross trying to say his name?! god bless him and his speech impediment.
do you know how hard it was to not laugh at jonathan ross trying to say his name?! god bless him and his speech impediment.
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