i love it when it rains. everything about it. the sound, the smell, the bluish gray of the sky. and especially when i have rainy day music to accompany it. acoustic guitars, pianos, and strings are made for days like today.
its a slow one today, one because the rain but mainly because of last night. remember what i said about limits, well the same applies to drinking. and being with people that have been drinking a decade longer than me, well you get the idea. but i did have fun.
nice to come out of seclusion for awhile.
i do think i have worked out what my next venture is going to be. oh, thats right i never told you. i have launched my work site. [www.minamade.wordpress.com]
its my portfolio but also where i will be posting all the new work i produce. i am going to try for a post a week. so if you are interested, feel free to venture over.
but i am feeling pretty good as of late, which is a weird state for me. i am not used to feeling happy. especially not consistently. this state of calm is making my skin crawl and itch. i try not to think about it though, but i know its coming.
what 'it' is, i'm not sure but its coming for sure. thankfully though, i have truly learned how to roll with the punches, but that don't mean that initial hit doesn't sting. i have just given up on trying to be prepared for it.
eff it.
i don't like doing pointless things and that is truly pointless. i'm on a mission to enjoy my life, in all its ridiculousness.
makes me think of a line from the boosh: [vince and howard sit on a deserted island] h: 'oh see, you've fallen into the trap.' v:'what, the trap of enjoying my life?'
i will adjust i think, even to happiness, because i want to be able to recognize this feeling when i am lucky enough to be in it.
like now. sitting here, eating grits, listening to music, on a rainy day.
8/30/09
8/28/09
performances: mika
i love him. so adorable. i didn't realize how many of his songs i already knew. the power of commercials. his voice is epic [he's a trained opera singer] and reminiscent of some people. listen to the lyrics, he gives one of them away. also some elton, prince, george michael. but seriously, he sounds like himself.
think of a ringmaster. thats as dynamic internally as he is externally. a half american, half lebanese refugee paris/london raised french fluent dyslexic, singer, songwriter, artist, pianist, middle child of five who seems so willing to laugh at himself and put on a glitter doused show worthy of candyland. quite simply its fun but yet there are cogs turning underneath. i like it, a living breathing walking contradiction. a beautiful ambitious artistic mess.
rambling: limits
i've been quiet lately. due to current circumstance my days are filled with the constant rotation of priorities. these tend to override everything because i zone out. i am tethered to my computer at all times. even as i sleep, she sits nearby playing me into my nightly passing out. i have music as my silence and my digital realm replaces the real world. i am in my own universe where i control the music, audio, video, news, everything. the puppeteer.
in this existence, i find that food and sleep become bothersome reminders of my humanity and nothing more. i don't want to step away, i might miss something! i already feel as if i am missing so much by being stuck here in the first place, so why would i sleep? i could be designing, writing, applying to jobs, reading up and adding to my lists of adventures. there is a level of comfort here as i am allowed these indulgences. my sister warned me of becoming too comfortable, to which i replied i am never satisfied.
and even as 'when doves cry' began to play in my head, i knew that it is true. i want everything all the time, even from myself. i push it. i push myself. and i began to wonder where and why. where does this come from? and why do i do this to myself?
the where may be from my competitive nature. of wanting to know more, and be more. hubristic indeed but it keeps me on my toes because i know i will never achieve such a ridiculous goal. knowing that failure is inevitable frees me from expectation. i can seek out whatever i fancy because it is purely innocent, with the only ambition being knowledge. not to usurp someone.
secondly it comes from this idea that i think i have it within me to push out of this energy and light into the world. that is for my own sake and hopefully the betterment of others that i do so, and thereby, i will receive some back. i will be replenished by all that is being taken from me. so obviously, i take this to its natural conclusions or limits. i push harder. i give more. selfishly seeking approval and reward for my efforts. though inevitably always feeling satisfied with my efforts in the end even without outside compliment. i have learned how to give some of it back to me by working so hard that i begin not to care what others think.
the biggest critic is me. so i push myself to please her. not them. she is unrelenting and knows how to call me on my flaws & bullshit. i cannot lie or hide. thus, when i work to my physical limits i am proving somehow to her, to me that i am doing what is necessary. that i am creating something worthy of my own compliment. which tends to mean that it takes longer cuz i am nothing if i am not indecisive.
i am never done. which someone recently told me is the sign of a true artist. i understand why they are so typically frustrated. perpetually taunted and haunted by their work. flaws in the work are like hangnails that are too short to clip but just long enough to cause a bother.
i could feel my body fighting back today. she made me lay low but couldn't break my hold on the computer. i have too much to do and accomplish to not be but at least i did eat and sleep more.
i am trying to find a balance between this nervous creative energy that is created by bouncing against my boundaries and actually falling off the deep end. listening to iamx non stop is helping. he is the master of schizo artistic living. his journey typifies certain aspects of my personality as well. kindred spirits in some ways cuz i just understand what he means.
its funny when you realize you are an artist and you are not standing in overalls, covered in paint with your hair in bun, chewing the end of a fan brush, fussing over the trees in the corner of your landscape.
artist means more than that. its a state of mind. but i am itching to create again. im getting my workspace together, making sure my eyes don't fall out of my skull first, that i can become gainfully employed so i can get supplies, and obviously need a concept. a loose one at best just to get me going.
but my limits are something i like to play with because i do live in a 'why not' kind of way. right now its physical, mental, emotional, artistic all at once. being shook up everyday with the ebb and flow of emails, phone calls, networking, applications, conversations, rejections, compliments, and in the end, i am back where i started.
me and my computer. seeking out new sounds of salvation and connection. my ears burn from all the music i am pumping into my skull. its my sanity. my constant kick in the head to stay the course, to keep pushing. my soundtrack to this time is evident.
i owe chris corner a thank you note.
it will all make sense eventually. til then, he said it best: "there's an open window/ and i can go through/ to the life of others/ there's nothing i can't do...you can be happy."
night.
in this existence, i find that food and sleep become bothersome reminders of my humanity and nothing more. i don't want to step away, i might miss something! i already feel as if i am missing so much by being stuck here in the first place, so why would i sleep? i could be designing, writing, applying to jobs, reading up and adding to my lists of adventures. there is a level of comfort here as i am allowed these indulgences. my sister warned me of becoming too comfortable, to which i replied i am never satisfied.
and even as 'when doves cry' began to play in my head, i knew that it is true. i want everything all the time, even from myself. i push it. i push myself. and i began to wonder where and why. where does this come from? and why do i do this to myself?
the where may be from my competitive nature. of wanting to know more, and be more. hubristic indeed but it keeps me on my toes because i know i will never achieve such a ridiculous goal. knowing that failure is inevitable frees me from expectation. i can seek out whatever i fancy because it is purely innocent, with the only ambition being knowledge. not to usurp someone.
secondly it comes from this idea that i think i have it within me to push out of this energy and light into the world. that is for my own sake and hopefully the betterment of others that i do so, and thereby, i will receive some back. i will be replenished by all that is being taken from me. so obviously, i take this to its natural conclusions or limits. i push harder. i give more. selfishly seeking approval and reward for my efforts. though inevitably always feeling satisfied with my efforts in the end even without outside compliment. i have learned how to give some of it back to me by working so hard that i begin not to care what others think.
the biggest critic is me. so i push myself to please her. not them. she is unrelenting and knows how to call me on my flaws & bullshit. i cannot lie or hide. thus, when i work to my physical limits i am proving somehow to her, to me that i am doing what is necessary. that i am creating something worthy of my own compliment. which tends to mean that it takes longer cuz i am nothing if i am not indecisive.
i am never done. which someone recently told me is the sign of a true artist. i understand why they are so typically frustrated. perpetually taunted and haunted by their work. flaws in the work are like hangnails that are too short to clip but just long enough to cause a bother.
i could feel my body fighting back today. she made me lay low but couldn't break my hold on the computer. i have too much to do and accomplish to not be but at least i did eat and sleep more.
i am trying to find a balance between this nervous creative energy that is created by bouncing against my boundaries and actually falling off the deep end. listening to iamx non stop is helping. he is the master of schizo artistic living. his journey typifies certain aspects of my personality as well. kindred spirits in some ways cuz i just understand what he means.
its funny when you realize you are an artist and you are not standing in overalls, covered in paint with your hair in bun, chewing the end of a fan brush, fussing over the trees in the corner of your landscape.
artist means more than that. its a state of mind. but i am itching to create again. im getting my workspace together, making sure my eyes don't fall out of my skull first, that i can become gainfully employed so i can get supplies, and obviously need a concept. a loose one at best just to get me going.
but my limits are something i like to play with because i do live in a 'why not' kind of way. right now its physical, mental, emotional, artistic all at once. being shook up everyday with the ebb and flow of emails, phone calls, networking, applications, conversations, rejections, compliments, and in the end, i am back where i started.
me and my computer. seeking out new sounds of salvation and connection. my ears burn from all the music i am pumping into my skull. its my sanity. my constant kick in the head to stay the course, to keep pushing. my soundtrack to this time is evident.
i owe chris corner a thank you note.
it will all make sense eventually. til then, he said it best: "there's an open window/ and i can go through/ to the life of others/ there's nothing i can't do...you can be happy."
night.
8/23/09
throwback: white stripes "seven nation army"
so much my aesthetic and still one of those videos i remember the first time i saw it. and the songs a fav too so that's a plus!
8/19/09
quickie: faith
so i am sitting downtown, laptop in my lap obviously, and i have been working hard all day for nothing. nothing in the sense of no monetary compensation. my volunteer work this summer has keep my design sensibilities firing but also introduced me to some really cool people. i like them, they are sweet, and they like me & my sensibility & skill. i have people coming to me for my skill instead me coming to them for their money. how cool is that! also there may be a cool development in the works that i will share more about later but if it works out...honey. lemme tell ya, i will dance a jig. i swear.
so i am thinking bout faith. we ride on it like a horse. we count on it like numbers. we live by it like law. but it is so enigmatic and untouchable but yet one of the most powerful forces driving so many lives. so many decisions. is it stupid? no.
its just the cushion we give ourselves to do what we want and/or need to do without fear. because of this invisible force field of faith we are invincible. risky behavior but shoot even breathing these days can get you killed.
faith is something that i think can be abused much like anything in the world but when used with respect & purity of heart, mind, and conscience then believe me you won't regret it, come what may.
so i am thinking bout faith. we ride on it like a horse. we count on it like numbers. we live by it like law. but it is so enigmatic and untouchable but yet one of the most powerful forces driving so many lives. so many decisions. is it stupid? no.
its just the cushion we give ourselves to do what we want and/or need to do without fear. because of this invisible force field of faith we are invincible. risky behavior but shoot even breathing these days can get you killed.
faith is something that i think can be abused much like anything in the world but when used with respect & purity of heart, mind, and conscience then believe me you won't regret it, come what may.
8/12/09
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