photo: never lose your imagination

photo courtesy of tim macpherson

point of genesis: prince rogers nelson

the look in his eyes. the smirk. the melodies. the rhythms. the lyrics.

there is always something or someone that sticks out in childhood memories. this gentleman, his royal badness, is mine. he's the first one to capture my heart & mind. there is an imprint from him on all of my loves. his music, art, appearance, performance, sexuality, humor, ideals & existence began the threads that flow through those who inspire me now.

one of my earliest memories is my dad dancing to controversy. i had no idea what he was singing about but the melody is like a heartbeat, forever present. just like the guitar riffs and imagery of his performance of lets go crazy & purple rain. he is one of those people that i cannot imagine not being there, even though i grew up during the 1990s when he had fallen from media grace.

i am having fun rediscovering him. its like getting to know an uncle you haven't seen in a long time. a really productive creative uncle who has work ranging from the perfectly groovy make you wish you were in the clubs in the 1980s just so you could dance to it track irresistible bitch to the melancholic tear inducing longing of sometimes it snows in april.

his fierce sometimes off putting quintessentially punk obsession with freedom & inability to do what people expect or want or demand is inspiring. before i became an artist, i never understood that whole slave thing. its all about perspective. like all of my loves he is perfectly imperfect. wholly human, wholly eccentric, wholly committed to excellence & being more than what is expected.

in a word, fearless. there is no better starting off point for an artist.

thank you, your majesty.

it's official: i'm part of the wolfpack!

i will be at nc state university this fall! this program has had my heart since the beginning with its unparalleled focus on education. it is amazing to think i will be mingling with the right people, quite soon. its always gratifying to know that i went for the best and they wanted me! it gives me hope that i am not crazy for choosing this path and that others feel the same way i do about design. and it makes me feel that ever so missed feeling of anxiety, curiosity, anticipation, fear, and excitement.

imma a wolf now, kid!

rambling idea: entitlement & identity

everyone has something to say. the majority of us have been raised to believe that not only do we have voices, but we have and are often expected to scream. to believe we will have an audience. to keep going until we get what we want.

the temper tantrum.

we want what we want and we want it now. our drive thru culture of entitlement becomes part of life. its how things are supposed to be. it feels right when you feel like you are fighting for something that is righteous but isn't that subjective?

it feels oh so "american" to me as well. not only a superiority complex but the idea of fighting to get what you want to the point of death or completion. we don't like to hear no. we don't like to hear can't. a country of rebels steadfast on fighting, even ourselves.

we get frustrated when we don't do what we want ourselves to do. we set expectation of ourselves that is sometimes unreasonable. now is this completely wrong, no because this leads to excellence for those that can manage. so is there a line or a select few of people that can achieve excellence while others fail? we call it natural selection. but what happens when everyone feels entitled but can not make it?

where does that sense of entitlement go?

it becomes self doubt or self hate. it becomes hatred and jealousy of those who do make it. it becomes active pursuit of their fall. it becomes feeble attempts to own things. it becomes attempts to place your stamp on something to call your own because you have nothing to show for your existence otherwise. you need something to claim. and if there is nothing left to claim you can always claim your opinions. you can always have something to say and then you must share it with the world. it may seem frivolous or futile but it serves a purpose to someone.

speaking from the perspective of a young black woman, i think of people i grew up with that were so quick to claim a zip code, a street, a color. i never understood it. but i think of it now as a claim of identity, a claim of pride because they do not have much else or feel as if they don't. we as a people don't seem to own much. we can't even trace back our lineage more than a couple of generations if we are lucky. we attach ourselves to our creativity and ability to create new things to call "ours". no matter how many times it gets hijacked [remember when bling wasn't in the dictionary & on the lips of ostentatious brides on television?]

as much as i understand it, and definitely feel a part of the culture [i have a blog & i tweet], i find myself seeking an identity that is set in something solid. i am lucky. i have my family. i have my talents. i have great jumping off points and i am realizing more and more what defines me. what speaks to me and what feels true to me and why. i feel like i owe it to myself to figure myself out instead of letting extracurricular things define me. they can allude to me, they can feel like me, they can look like me, they can decorate me, but they cannot be me. i feel entitled to be honest with myself so that when i do speak or even scream, i know where and why that voice is coming out. im too tied up in me to be hating on someone else. i am too tied up in my own striving for excellence that tearing someone else down seems juvenile and futile.

all my rambling lead to this idea: no one is more worthy than anyone else but in our current culture, that seems to be believed and accepted. and this leaves the have-nots struggling to define themselves and claim something for their own. to me, being honest with yourself is the best place to start. being self obsessed and truly figuring out who you are better positions you to having an identity that is not given to you but made by you. which to me makes achieving excellence that much greater or not achieving it that much easier to bear. you will know what you are here to do and not be caught up in things that you are not. you will be entitled to you and not worry so much about screaming things out into the world because the audience does not dictate. your worth will come from within, not from them.

image: stop & think about it

rambling: me or them

there is much to speak upon and not necessarily the will to really write. i haven't been quiet for lack of things to speak about [entitlement, defenses, excellence, dreams have all come to mind] but just not really been in a writing mood. but then of course i remembered why i write in the first place.

no wonder i feel out of whack. i have been thinking and contemplating things without getting them out. i've been letting emotions and thoughts circle and crash around my head to be replaced with more after the smoke has cleared. partly because i got busy. partly because when i wasn't working i was sleeping. partly because i did not feel like being analytical for a change. partly because i think i had grown weary of always having an opinion. sometimes i feel blank because there is nothing going on, and other times i do it on purpose.

i put myself on vacation from myself. i let the real world into my universe and quit thinking so much.

only issue with that...i can't trust them now can i?

something that has come up for me, time and time again is that i hold myself to a standard that is not standard. the way i do things and believe things should be done is not always what others believe. i am not against compromise however, i will not go along with something that does not feel right to me. trusting my feelings has been my nearest and dearest for as long as i can remember. my instincts have lead me to be in a prime position: i have been accepted into two graduate school programs, one of which is my top choice. been offered scholarship and fellowship from one and waiting to hear back from the other. working with a start ups that is teaching me how i want to be in the business.

there is a balance that is starting to unfold. for awhile all i was seeing was what i did not want because i did not know what i wanted. i know what i want now but still have to rely on other people's decisions to get it. if for whatever reason i fall out of favor, i know that i can say that i did my best and a lot was left in the hands of others. i think that is part of the reason i want to do so much on my own, and why i spend so much time alone. i know the alternatives are dealing with people who do not care or do not know any better. i know i will not receive what i give and i just have to believe that one day i will. that all this hard work and good will can not lead in the wrong direction. it feels right. the hardest part is keeping the faith when all else says otherwise. thankfully i have people that believe in my talent and i believe in it too.

i worry about it though. i worry that a side effect of this is being detached to the point of it being a flaw. i know i do it to protect myself and i worry of what i am missing if anything and if what i gain is worth it. i worry about regretting it. i rarely do, but even that is a learned behavior. i assure myself that i am doin what i need to be. that it will fall into place and i will be in the light at the end of it all. i look at the people i see myself in, the people i admire and view as inspiration. they do it too. its like it comes with the territory. i am built this way. some people hate me for it, some people understand why i am this way and just call to make sure i am still here. and even if they do not understand they just let it be because they love me. i have love in my life in ways that i always have through all my darkest days but took me forever to truly appreciate.

i go back and forth between utter love & true isolation i feel like a crazy person and i used to wonder if it would ever stop. i know it won't. i am not even looking for it too anymore.if i know the black and white extremes, i should be able to recognize all the gray. i wish for balance and the realization of all the things i want. too much? too unrealistic?

tough. i want it.

being true to me is the only way i know how. i will find my audience. rather risk not finding them than losing me.but the wildest things is knowing that as i type someone is deciding my fate. i have a fierce fighter mentality that won't let me rest until i get what i want or die knowing i did all i could to make it so.

and im just at the beginning.

inspiration: lost generation