rambling: talking to the moon

speak of the devil and he shall appear. well i thought of him actually. and i invited him back in. and its not a devil. never was though i casted him as one. it fit the plot, it fit how i felt at the time. but then i realized i was thankful to him. i am speaking of my ex of course. he was in my thoughts last night as i went over my old posts. i wondered how he was and decided i could handle letting him back in. i missed his friendship.

we picked back up our rhythm like no time had passed. chatting away about our lives and of course began reminiscing on our life together. not only had he intentionally helped me but i am still in his heart now. the reason why this is so hard hitting is he was not attentive or affectionate while we were together. he loved me in his way and i thought of how difficult it must have been for him to watch me become less and less like the woman he fell in love with. partly due to him. so he pushed, and pushed until i had to get him outta my system and become what he always saw me to be. and as it turns out, it needed to be without him.

he never left my heart, the love remained even though i didn't feel in love with him anymore. so to have all this care and affection barreling back at me today when i am least expecting it, when i had gotten used to being alone. actually happy being alone. it hasn't changed that but imagine being told that someone you love loves you. and not just a little but a lot and you are doing better than them. it seems that you are better off without them in your life.

it sucks.

we both feel like if its meant to be it will and til then we can be the best friend the other needs. but that knowledge is there. and also considering that we are older now, and wouldn't make the same mistakes of round one. we still have a ways to go as people and as friends, but now i have this person hovering in my subconscious rooting for me. wanting me to be the best version of myself, at his own forfeit. possibly his own detriment.

its humbling, encouraging, and consuming. he still has that affect on me. can just hijack my thoughts and the moon tonight did not help. i always compared him to the moon, which he told me makes him think of me nightly as he is always looking for it now. i know, i know the sweetness was killing and making me think, "where was this before?" but just as he orbited back into my life, the moon was closer to the earth than its been in 18 years. it shone through a halo even from behind the clouds. sitting outside on a porch swing with a warm breeze blowing, i missed him more than i had in awhile.

i do not know what this will mean. everything and nothing. it was like speaking what was already known in a way but that does not stop it from hitting you hard. maybe i can help him get to where he needs to be from afar without losing myself like i did before. i am not that girl anymore. and he does not want me to be.

see the way he looks on paper, when written out it seems like such a no brainer, but yet we can't. yeah i know. it sucks. now this song from a new found love takes on greater meaning:

rambling: shedding light

so my life did not end after new york. though it seems that way. 2011 has been a bit of whirlwind with me coming up for air now as spring has landed on my doorstep. i missed the colors, the sunlight, the warm breezes. i recently updated my sister with whats going on in an email and realized how interesting my life looks typed out. i am making moves and proving myself right at every turn. this is where i am meant to be. new music is flowing into my head while others are waiting to be taken in. another continues to dominate. my reason for my first adventure of this year aka dear uncle p is making his way to north carolina next week. i will be at two shows and taking a bit of a trip to get to one. just a two hour train ride, and it will be my first time taking amtrak. yay another first! oh and i will be seeing chaka khan....sweet thing anyone?? i am telling you now, if the chords of that song or come on get played, i will have a fit. we'll see what prince has in store for rounds 2 & 3.

i don't really have a reason to be writing right now but i just kinda felt like it. things are coming together and i like to look back at the chaos that beset this current state. i enjoy revisiting her, she was raw and unabashedly full of emotion and want. i forget her at times because i am working so hard to sate her. she lays dormant but is always there. i accept and appreciate her because i would not be here without her havoc. i had to see how far, how deep i could go because now i realize the full scope of how high i can go. getting to know me to the fullest has given me the ability to be happy with very little. i hope everyone gets to feel this simplistic type of joy. its based in this appreciation and understanding of what i love and what i am here to do. enjoy what i love, and serve my purpose. simple. but my shoulders are starting to burn a bit so i will retreat but if you are reading this and feeling a bit less that what you are, trust me it gets better.

just love your way through the darkness.

apparently for me, spring automatically means two things: horrible allergies but a better outlook on life. must be the colors & light. and since i am still traveling though my purple vortex i'll end with a lyric: "positivity, have you had your plus sign today? "

adventure: new york city, ny

i still haven't thought of how to explain this. my vocabulary is vast and every superlative i think of cannot thoroughly describe what i just experienced.

hyperbolic? nope, it was that awe inspiring. So what was it:
the man himself at madison square garden on 1/18.

i have written about my love for this man a couple of times and how badly i wanted to see him in december. well i went with my rationality and decided not to make that trip. and not a few days into my winter break did i learn that the show was cancelled. i breathed a sigh of relief and joy as i learned of a new show. i kept my eye on it but it seemed so far away. i kept my focus on my time at home which was so needed. my family rejuvenates me.

but the kid is kinda omnipresent. not only did i hear his music [without me playing it that is] but apparently one of my sisters went to one of the shows in new jersey. i had to sit through her excited rantings about the show that i had already read was ridiculously good. she bounced around telling me of songs and all the encores and i thought:

'how am i going to get to the next show?"

i knew it would make my year and when i returned to raleigh i found a cheap flight and an amazing seat and said eff it. this was going to be my adventure for the semester, shoot maybe the whole year. nothing was going to stop me from getting my experience: first trip to nyc and first time seeing my musical alpha and omega. well the weather tried as hard as it could to stop me. flight was delayed for a couple of hours with rain and ice in new york. when we exited the plane, [actually down the steps onto the runway which i have never done before] it was raining sideways. totally gray and white and cold.

welcome to new york.

but i still wasn't gonna let it stop my vibe even though my hopes of having a nice trek down museum mile were slashed, i took the shuttle to penn station. i was petrified in that car! nyc driving is not for the weak of heart but i survived. i met up with my long lost but never forgotten brother from another and had lunch. through this whirlwind it still really hadn't hit me that i was about to see him. not until i was wandering around the gates of madison square garden looking at the pictures and the sounds of lets go crazy began to permeate the air. it was like a scene from a movie. i began to follow the sounds trying to find the source, smiling the whole way, and i realized it was being pumped through the speakers. the lights were gleaming purple and his face was on the jumbotron outside.

this was real.

after meeting up with some purple people for food and laughs, i found myself in the crowd funneling into the garden. it was time. i made my way to my seat and had a moment when i realized how good my seats were. now i could go through the setlist and tell all the little details but the thing i want to capture if i can is the feeling. that transient thing that you and those around you felt. you cannot get it from pictures, not even from video.

you have to be there. and for once, i was.


it was obvious that he was in good mood and that he was going to use every last second of time he had. with one amazing opening act with sharon jones and the dap kings, the kid had time to burn. when i first saw his silhouette through the smoke, standing on top of the purple piano with his flashing light heels, i took one of those shuddering deep breaths you take when looking over the edge of a cliff. i knew i was jumping head first into an experience that was going to be unrivaled for the rest of my life. i knew that he was feeling us before the first note was played. it felt like i was in the sights of a playful cat and he began with a tease and continued to work us over for more than two hours. along with features from sharon, the dap kings and maceo parker, he put on a show.

operative word being show.

he was on form, showing us how a master works. he can make you dance, sing, scream, swoon, and hold your breath. he composed the vibe and held it in his palm for safe keeping. i felt synced with his mood as he grooved into songs that i had wished for but thought i may never hear. i screamed out 'omg!" when he began she's always in my hair. i sang every word, swayed to each rhythm and managed not to cry. laughing and smiling and struck dumb, i felt like i had been done over. an enitre relationship of seduction, interactions, and drawn out farewells. his influence is staggering. i knew about it but feeling it is unreal. listening to the conversations around me while there told his legend. an elderly woman told of how she was there with her middle aged daughters who brought their children. a middle aged man spoke of how he r&b'd and rocked and "r.kelly can't do that and neither can any rock guy." when walking out i took my time but when i finally stood still i felt myself vibrating. my legs bouncing and hands shaking. once our group met up again the look on their faces anticipated my response as they knew it was my first. i jumped up and down and shared in their joy because we knew we had just seen something special.

we were high. but my night was far from over.

we ventured to brooklyn where we knew maceo was playing and perhaps prince would show up. he didn't but i'm happy we choose to attend rather than standing outside at his exclusive afterparty growing bitter. maceo was on his game with lettuce at his back. even questlove showed up to jam for a bit. he performed night and day with ray charles sunglasses on and went out with pass the peas. i could feel the drums in my chest and my skin growing hot as the jam went on. i danced only feet from the man. i was in a musical heaven that i still don't think i have come out of or ever will. if nothing else good happens this year, i can think of this. i can remember seeing and feeling brilliance. i can remember fellowship and camaraderie with strangers. i can remember dancing and singing into the night to songs that define my life with the man that made them possible.

i don't know if i can truly demonstrate my love for this man, his music, and the experience he just gave me. i came with love as he feels like kin to me and i got it back. of all the words that fail, two will have to suffice: thank you.

two cents: know thyself

so it seems pretty clear to me that we live in a rather self-centered culture. we have i-everything and all types of personalization features at our fingertips and ironically it seems that so many still have no idea who they actually are. these identity based decisions seem to be filler. substitutes for true personal identification. we allow our purchases to speak for who we are, which isn't that bad of thing if you can actually speak for yourself too. if you got robbed tomorrow, would you still know who you are?

so why do i think its filler? well i think we take in so much from external sources and allow that to tell us who we are. we take cues from culture or those who we hold near and dear to tell us what we should be doing or feeling. you must go to college or you are ignorant. you must be married with two kids and dog and picket fence or you have failed as an adult. you must drive this car or listen to this music or behave this way to be a part of the group. you see these people bolstered by their decisions to be either a part or apart from these groups as their identities. you take these things away, and you are left with more questions than answers in front of a mirror. most of us don't like that. being left to one's own devices leaves most people uneasy i think because they haven't spent much time figuring that person out and who likes to be stuck alone with a stranger.

i spend a considerable amount of time alone and i am thankful for it. i know myself better than anyone and thus, i know when i get a real connection. i know when someone is on the level with the real me or the idea of me. there will always be layers of you, that is necessary and knowing what to share with who is self-survival number 1. but you have to know that core. that person that you are when no one is looking. when its just you having a talk with your cosmic companion [got that phrase from mlk]. knowing your deepest wants and desires and needs and not being ashamed. the person who laughs out loud at random things most people miss. the person who sings and dances when no one is around. the person with the internal glitches and quirks that you hide.

that person is you. for better or worse. you can always improve, grow and mature if you are not rainbows and sunshine and who of us is? but that change requires effort. that requires activity and in a culture where all you have to do is color coordinate your accessories to show you have a personality & identity, who would bother with all that work? false activity or pure passivity continues until people get to be middle aged and think "how did i get here?" [cue talking heads once in a lifetime]

why not try to figure you out right now? only you can do this. and mind you, you are stuck with this person for life. imagine being hijacked or followed by a stranger for all those years.

go 'head and marinate on that for a minute. peace and be wild.

adventure: washington d.c.

my exhaustion after the past 24 hours is staggering but i cannot sit still. my fingers have been aching to type out exactly what i just experienced. i felt myself buzzing with energy so much that i could not sleep last night until about 4 am.

i thought about why i wanted so badly to go to the rally to restore sanity and/or fear. i watch the daily show and colbert report like clockwork. i sigh in relief as they mirror back to me my sensibility and make me see things i would have never noticed otherwise. i feel a part of this knowing community that just gets it as they do. but i am in my room, headphones on, laughing aloud with no one. this event was the first time i actually wanted to be part of a group, i actually wanted to be counted. i fit into the category he described and i knew that i would be there if i could. i knew that i would not want to miss whatever was going to happen. but the draw was wanting to be amongst the invisible like-minded masses i knew i was a part of.

with that being said, right from the beginning i was struck by the older crowd that rode the bus with me to dc. i was pleasantly surprised to find myself in this company of middle aged to elderly people that found the same things funny and important that i did. the crowd was a total mixture of people. humor crosses barriers like music.

after a long and uncomfortable ride [despite me having the only empty seat on the bus next to me, three feet of legs cannot be bent any which a way], i found myself alone, but not really in union station. As we approached I could see the droves all headed in one direction. I could feel the pull of humanity converging in one spot. Everyone sipping their coffees and wearing their fleeces in the chilly morning air. It seemed normal and extraordinary at the same time.

i began walking out from union station, eager to find my way, just following the crowd. overhearing the sparse conversations, i zoned out just anticipating the sight of the national mall. i wanted it to hit me what was happening and what i was a part of. i took pictures as i went and got noticed by a group of elderly white women from south carolina who told me i could hang with them. they noticed that i was alone and were absolute sweethearts, decked out in blue, visors, and buttons.

after passing by the capitol, i could see the washington monument and knew that we were there. the media barricade let me know i had arrived but also made me sigh a bit. especially the fox news truck. and i think everyone had that same response to seeing them there. but just as quickly as i may have sighed, i gaped at the huge crowd. i felt disoriented of not knowing where to go, but also by how many people were already there.

i felt myself scurrying to find my space, take pictures, and take it all in. music was playing, tea towels being handed out, costumes to notice, signs to read, and a bathroom to find. i was just kinda giddy and found myself smiling. i kept thinking of my sister who i knew would have been there if she could, and her telling me, i just hope people show. i just hope that its big. well, people showed. there were people for as far as i could see. it felt like being in the middle of living organism and for the first time ever, i was in a crowd and not nervous. not worried about someone swiping my bag or doing something nasty. people may be dressed up, being silly, and ridiculous, but there was not a hint of indecency.

i caught as many of the funny signs that i could and eventually found myself kind of positioned where i was going to be whether i wanted to be there or not. i could see a screen or three so i was happy. the screens played various videos from the build up to the rally, which created a different experience for me. watching clips in a huge crowd and laughing together was heartwarming.

once the show began it was an odd situation. i was excited to see the roots and john legend but i was also not around the most hype crowd. they also seemed to play some rather somber tracks, that along with some other guests, that numbed me a bit. i enjoyed them obviously but they did not elevate me the way the whole train sequence of songs did. i was so pleasantly shocked and surprised with each of those guests. being in the crowd was more of an experience than the content of the show itself. it spoke to what we already knew, and agreed upon with our presence. just as i began to get restless with my legs burning, jon began his closing remarks. he put the bow on it that i wanted and needed. he did what he always does for me by explaining it better than i ever could.

and i believe he it said it perfectly. the feeling of being there was that of civility, decency, and playfulness. there was a good sense of this being the group of people that i belonged to. and as someone who has never felt particularly patriotic her whole life, it was refreshing to see the america i belong to. i have always kind of felt proud to be an american in the sense that i would not want to be anything else, but there was nothing about us that made me uniquely happy.

but in these recent years of change and turmoil, basically the past decade, has shown us at our best and worst. i do believe more and more people are fighting for the better angels of our nature because the ground beneath our feet keeps shifting. its makes you realize even more what you have to value in order to survive. we will never be homogenized because we were not engineered to be so and what makes us amazing is how we function within our differences. how when we do converge great things happen, even if it is quietly. we do not have to scream about it, we just do it.

that is something i can be a part of. the unity of decency. our ability to co-exist and work together and to see how much that is hindered with falsity and corruption is sad. it is different when it is the rest of the world talking bad behind your back, its another thing when its you talking bad into the mirror. it was refreshing to feel that the people are aware and tired of being lied about and to. as difficult as things may be, we have not perished and if anything, we have had our egos checked. the common humanity of wanting to push forward together was felt and i think that is more our focus than what they would have you believe. having to dig through their white noise makes it difficult. it makes you question whether or not that is the point, but that gathering and the satellite rallies around the country and world [apparently up to 84 countries] told me that we are not wrong. that i was and will continue to be a part of community that will not pandered to. as jon said, seeing everyone restored his sanity and empowered my own. sometimes you just need to know that its not just you laughing alone to yourself. that someone else sees what you see.

though it seems to have baffled the talking heads, i know what i felt and experienced. i get to say i was amongst the counted of people who are rarely seen or heard at an event that will be referenced again and again. will there be some massive change? who knows. maybe just maybe we will get our news back, instead of people trying to be entertaining. but i think the simple fact that the rally occurred proves that change that is happening all around us and this was just a chance to be seen. to prove that it is legitimate and real. i'll never forget it. i find myself inspired to continue on this trajectory of just trying to be the best person i can be and push to be a force of good. design is in bed with the very thing we were rallying against. we study these manipulations. i made a conscious decision not to be a part of it and becoming an ethical designer and educator. its the small but important conflict that i choose to face. i think if more people figure out what their role is, because trust me you have one, we will be better off. if everyone stepped up their awareness and realized you do not have to be force fed anything.

funnily enough i cannot wait until the daily show and colbert report comes back on to comment on their own event and the coverage of it. but if there was anything else left to say, thank you to these gentlemen, their staff, and all the people who came out. the experience was truly made by you and will resonate because of you.

how cool was that though...we got to represent ourselves for a change.

and i was there. i will take being tired in exchange for that.

decision: adventures

so when i look back on all these ramblings, there is a sure common thread of wanting. of yearning to do the things that i dream about doing or see others doing. wanting to have the stories i listen to others tell. i put it rather plainly: i want life.

well now i am allowing myself this with what will be my adventures. taking the initiative to do what i want, whether or not anyone else around me wants to. i started to think of all the times that i had not gone to do something because i did not want to be alone. i wanted to experience it with someone else. movies i can always do alone but other events like concerts are meant to be enjoyed by a group or crowd. but now, forget about it. the other liked minded people in the crowd will be my gorup.

my first adventure: washington d.c. for the rally to restore sanity and/or fear this saturday. one blogger called this event our generation's woodstock. thousands will be flocking to the national mall and i knew that i could not miss this. unlike my sister who would be there except for her you know "life" i have no excuses. so i will be taking a bus day trip to the capital to enjoy a couple of hours of good time, community, and comedy.

i am excited. i am proud of myself for doing it and not just thinking about it. i was almost discouraged when no one i knew wanted to go as well but i know what means something to me and what i would regret if i was not there. i have seen it happen too many times to me [paolo nutini live, obama rally in stl, etc] and i could not bear to have it keep happening.

now the only issue is how often can i have these adventures? what can i do within reason?

uncle p is having a series of shows in nyc in december. and the real deal sealer, miss janelle monae will be there. the woman who i facebook messaged once i fell for her voice and actually got a reply. the woman who i told if i was a singer, i would want her voice. who i asked for hair advice [just leave it alone, apparently] the woman who i told that i admire and that i can say stands alone in the category of her contemporaries. i quite simply love her and i am proud of her like i know her personally.

i told myself if this happened i would be there. that was some wishful thinking months ago but it actually happened. the rationality in my mind says of course he will tour the whole country, not just nyc and to wait. the other part says, so what, you could afford it if you act now. you aint never been to nyc and never seen him or her for that matter. what could possibly be holding you back? it would have to work perfectly. nothing could go wrong. i would have to find a way to get tickets though they go on sale while im in dc.

are they both once in a lifetime deals? i don't know. do i wanna risk it? not really....

but to say the very least, i will be having my fun now. no holding back.

and of course now, i am sure others will be announcing tours [iamx??] and robbing me blind. but i would be soooooo happy.

decisions, decisions. decisions.

[i'm not gonna go to nyc but d.c. is tomorrow. i'll let u know!]

rambling: ooh wee sha sha coo coo yea

you know those moments when you stop and realize that change is actively happening right where you stand? not only is it happening but you are part of it. i feel that from time to time now. i can feel my mind expanding, my vocabulary being used and not hitting blank faces. i can feel myself learning and engaging. the blood pushing its way through my veins, not just passing idly by, taking a tour of the facilities. i feel happy, i feel alive. in the moment of consciously understanding where and why i am.

kinda heavy huh? but thats the things that have been on my mind as of late. i have always been of an older more mature nature but i feel as if i am not negating it. i am not trying not to be serious or trying to fit into what a typical 20 something is supposed to be. i am not settling. i am following that elusive inner compass and seeing where it takes me. its what lead me here, landed smack center of one of the most talked about design conferences to happen this year at a college whose reputation grows each day in a state that was just granted money from the government for education which is where my eyes point towards anyways. im under the wing of the woman that inspired me to believe that i could fuse together the two passions of my life.

for lack of better phrasing, i am supposed to be here.

i find myself alone here, broken between my room and studio. much like my undergraduate career. but there i had friends, my aces that grew closer to me as i withdrew from everyone else. they held me up often but distracted me as well. these distractions i welcomed with open arms and eyes as i needed some 'life'. i wanted my own stories and scars and surely i got what i sought. but what i did not see coming was how clearly i would be able to see myself after all of it. seemingly i had to lose me to find me. she was always there but she was happy to let others take the reins.

but now that i have the reins firmly in my hands, and i feel as if i know in general where i am headed, i am alone. are they mutually exclusive? i don't think so, but it depends on what i am willing to give. right now, i value my health and my work. sometimes these don't always sync up but i will say that i realize that for my sanity i have to be alone sometimes. i have to separate studio and home. i have to be allowed mental breaks, whether its as simple as watching the daily show & colbert report everyday, i must have voices in my head that are not my own and not other designers.

i love what i do but it will swallow you whole. i enjoy the company of my studio mates but i think i have gotten ready to find a niche here that is beyond their reach. i have never expected to find any more aces here, i knew i would find colleagues though. and there are some truly interesting figures and minds here. but of course, old habits die hard. i still find myself attached to a screen obsessing over some towering cultural figure in my life [currently, mr. prince rogers nelson, aka uncle p]

but one thing that i am reassured by is that i not only admire these people, i love them and see something of myself in them. it can be something very basic, but there is some connection there that gives me hope. take my dear uncle for example. he gives me faith that i can and will grow and change. that evolution as an artist and person do not have to be mutually exclusive. there is a peace to be had if you are not afraid to take a journey of course. there is something to be said of that man's fearlessness. there is something to be said about his spirit. his journey, as far as i can tell, is not a pretty one, its not wrapped in pretty little purple bow. and that just the tidbits you can discern here and there. its in the music from what i deduce. one of the things i love about him is how he communicates with such emotional honesty in his work, which is not easy.

there seems to always be a discussion of whether or not you respect and/or like that person outside of the work. well for me, he is somewhat omnipresent in my life as i can never imagine him not being there. that being said i realize and respect how utterly human he is. he grabs my heart with his search for peace, happiness, and love. i do not expect perfection. and as much i hope that the people i love are as lovely as they seem, the relationship that means the most to me is that 1 to 1 relationship i have with the sounds coming out of my speakers. its a way for me to have wisdom whispered in my ears and what i seek is a connection with what you are trying to communicate to me. thats the whole reason i fell for them in first place. they connected, they made contact and with him, he is hitting like .750. mind you, i still haven't heard everything. i have listened to twenty five albums in their entirety and still have some way to go. he does not make it easy and i think thats one of the things i enjoy. i like rising to the occasion that he sets out before me as a listener. sometimes i am rewarded, sometimes i shake my head, but either way i am engaged. i am elated he is still recording, performing but i am thankful to say i know what i behold now with him. i never got it before, but i do now. eyes wide open, heart even wider.


my name is mina and i am a purple hippie [ooh wee sha sha coo coo yea]


but i digress, just the ability to admire i think is valuable. to see beyond yourself and be able to praise, when seemingly so much of our nature is the opposite.

i had a thought last night, in one of my many late night thinking/talking sessions, that i could not think of a moment where i had done something so vile that truly haunted me. the things that i have felt shame for, have been forgiven by the people that i wronged in some way. but i do not have that one story that i wish i could fix. i think i am so aware of that now.

i am truly only here to facilitate and help those that i can. i like influencing people, whether it be giving advice or turning them onto some new music. i like leaving an imprint on a person. its just about the only thing i value. that my love for others causes me to want to do good, be good, and inspire good. i know that i inspire. people have been telling me for ages that they look up to me and it makes me aware that what i do has an effect. people look to me for cues that i just naturally send out i think. and to think i could lead someone astray by what i am doing, i think lupe fiasco said it best, i would rather not be remembered at all.

still a bit heavy huh? lol

i know but i figure, if i am in a moment where i can feel myself having an impact, i am not being distracted, i have the time to ponder, what better thing could i be doing? at least i know i can have an effect. i think we all can but that requires activity, not passivity. and that is not a punitive statement as people do have other more pressing matters. but one of the luxuries of academia is i don't.

its so obvious im meant to be an intellectual, its not even funny.

well just a bit. but i can truly say that i am happy. i am not complacent so expect some furor to manifest but seriously, "aint nothin ever came from complaining, 'cept a bitter heart." good ol uncle p.