adventure: los angeles, ca

Its taken me two months to recount my latest adventure. the experiences are no less grand or significant as any of my other flights of fancy but unlike before, i returned to my new life after this last minute whirlwind trip. since my last post, i have since received my masters and started my dream job. so much of what i had sought to accomplish and things i hadn't even known i wanted before have come to me. i am thoroughly grateful and helplessly trying to fit into this new life for which i so fiercely fought.

part of what i find interesting in these foreign environments and situations is that i feel the same. yes, i can acknowledge how i have grown and changed. but it is an odd feeling to surface after the crashing of a decade in the making wave of life changing events to find yourself not too dissimilar. i think in our heads we imagine ourselves becoming new beings as we travel through the challenges and triumphs of life. that somehow you will be a new species of you, detached from your past. but its always there. all those various versions of yourself still breathe within you. its just up to you how you interact with them. do you suppress the self-destruct? taunt the depressive with isolation? ignore or distract them? do you empathize and smile at former adolescent antics or shake your head in shame while vehemently seeking what you have deemed a superior path?

a strong connection to all these former selves is the music that was carrying me at the time. its time travelling. i can hear what connected me then as well i as what i connect with now,if there is anything.

it was clear that there were still connective tissue for these bands because when the honda civic tour was announced, i cried. genuine tears.

incubus has stayed with me throughout but linkin park ended for me with meteora so i was not as excited about them but the teenager in me brought forth such strong feelings. like she had been waiting. patiently beneath the surface for her moment...for the music that spoke so deeply to her to be brought back.

excitedly, i began the process to get ready by listening to what i had missed. i prep for a concert like im an athlete. like i will be performing myself. i refuse to not be in the know. so i had to get caught up with linkin park and what i found were two really beautiful albums that spoke directly to me. what connected when i was an angry teen wasn't a fluke. i identified with them deeper than i could've known at the time but the music was waiting for me when i needed it.

as for incubus. i wouldn't have gotten through my adolescence without it and they've always been there. brandon's words inspire as much as they mirror my own thoughts and rhythms. their fearlessness and ingenuity with music and art fuel me. and their timing is always impeccable. they returned with if not now, when? exactly when i needed them and along side 30 seconds to mars got me through my hardest and final year of college life. the chance to see them both live was a chance to close a circle of music for my former and current selves. to have them collide as i relived and lived in tandem through song.

my sister and i sat to side of the stage instead of being in the pit, because after my mars experience i wasn't sure if she could handle it. but now she is determined to get in on it for the next show we see together. it was interesting for me to see it from outside of it since i had been in a crowd like that before. its so beautiful, it didn't matter to me where i was, as long as i was there, but the view was nice. regardless of those around us, we sang and danced through the whole show.

incubus was beyond words. considering that brandon was without voice just days before, he rang clear through the open stadium with the los angeles sun setting above us. so many little moments like: feeling a california breeze while singing wish you were here, or ben kenny dancing and playing the holy hell out of the bass, or kilmore's dreads flying about, or my sister saying "they are aging so well, they are just so cute!" or mikey and brandon sharing some wine and lighting a candelabra before promises, promises, or brandon saying how seeing us all made him feel better. but the tug on my heart was never stronger than during if not now, when? tears came to my eyes as brandon voice rose above us and jose's kick kept us grounded. it was church. i stood there spellbound listening and mouthing the lyrics that so succinctly described my life of the past year and what lay ahead of me. stand up and face the bright lights...don't hide your eyes, its time...

the set ended with a blistering version of sick sad little world, which i know for fact was my sister's first time hearing it. after the breakdown toward the end, she just looked at me and said, "DAMN!" we kept saying how amazing it was that they sounded so good. not a huge production but a full demonstration of the amazing musicians that have sat atop my favorite list for half my life. i was not disappointed and cannot wait to see what they do next, so i can be there in the pit, ready to return all that i owe them with my voice, sweat, and energy. they've earned it.

linkin park came on full blast with fire and smoke and enough energy to have us all buzzing. its like those levi commercials that make you want to go discover a new country and claim it. i remembered all the raps and lyrics like it was a decade earlier and felt such awe at the energy coming from those around us. chester's voice embodied all the rage and frustration as well as the caress and tenderness that we all feel. mike's harmonies and rapping were just as fluid as they worked us like a well trained two-headed beast. the moment of ascension came for me with waiting for the end...there is something about that song that hit me so hard when i first heard it just weeks before the show. and there is such power and redemption in seeing a crowd full of people pump their fists in the air.

there were literal explosive moments with fireworks and mikey coming to play a solo on bleed it out. it was so good and so much of what i needed. mars300 was so long ago that i had missed what that felt like. the release of singing and dancing and sweating out whatever may ail you in a congregation of like minded music worshippers. i zone out, i loose myself...i make new memories alongside the older ones...some sadder ones fade or the tears become joyful with the realization of overcoming that sadder darker space. this show closed a door for me in some ways. i felt like i had earned the right to sing those songs with them because i had lived up to this silent promise. one that was made vocal and ever apparent at mars300 but has always been there. since i first started to build this image in my mind of who i wanted to be. fueled by this music since i was a teen, i knew who i wanted to be. and i got to share this experience with them now that i have finally become her in many ways.

but the beauty of it is that with these new memories, i have renewed that promise. by singing songs that once played alongside my darker days, i have ever committed myself to the light. i can acknowledge my former selves without being doomed to return. their music has grown and changed with me over the years in a similar way and that is why they still speak to me. forever moving onward.

thank you gentleman for then and now...until we meet again.

adventure: new york city, ny

the objective of this adventure was the same as the last one set in new york city: attend a life changing concert. this time the guests of honor: thirty seconds to mars. the occasion: the last show of their guinness world record breaking tour.

And not to mention my first time seeing the band and my first rock concert.

thirty seconds to mars have risen to the top of the love list faster than anyone else has before. and this was the quickest turn around of falling in love and consummation. it took my entire life to finally see prince and there are many others that await me, with incubus at the top. they were going to be the first rock show, i had it all planned out in my head. but the timing was imperfect.

then mars300 was announced and i immediately pounced for a ticket. without hesitation and thought of consequences after the fact. like it would be right after final review, which was perfect for celebratory reasons, but it completely neglected the fact that i was not done after final reviews. there is documentation, there are papers, and not to mention grading.

but i know once in a lifetime when i see it, and this was it.

it gave me something to look forward to. making all the sleepless nights, muscle spasms, and tired eyes worth it. because i knew i would be able to get lost for one night with a band whose music has kept me going this semester. not to mention, see this gorgeously dedicated and dysfunctional community, the echelon, in action.

just as before, i found myself sitting in an airport watching the rain fall from gray skies and hoping that i would not be stranded. that i would not be weathered out of my experience or my money. i had already paid more for a taxi than i really wanted to and could feel my money just running from me like water off feathers.

but i was not bothered as soon as i hit the ground in new york. i was on a mission. i didn't look up the exact location of the venue before i left, but i knew it was near penn station. i knew i could find my way and just started walking. within ten minutes or so from the bus stop, i was in line. a satisfied grin on my face, which caught the eye of those who stood before me. we chatted and were quickly joined by two hooded girls without umbrellas. i offered and we became a little unit for awhile. they were from different places but i was clearly the most distant traveller. some had been to the show last night and there all four of the shows that were happening that week. only one other girl in the cluster was a virgin like me.

their stories were reminding me of the purple people i met when i came to see prince. there was such fervor over how much the show would change me, and my life. i cannot lie that i was skeptical just because i have felt that feeling before. seeing prince was surely life changing because i have loved the man my whole life. so i was unsure if my latest and greatest infatuation could do the same. i knew i would feel something because that is whole reason why love concerts. it is the most feeling that a music lover like me can do.

i am 100% alive when at a show. i am full with feeling.

i am trying to live for those moments and not go for those fleeting ones that if continually pursued will kill me. music is my welcome addiction. so i knew that i would get a fix but was it going to be the adrenaline shot to the heart, i wasn't sure yet.

i knew that i had to see them, because that was what pulled me in. the footage from shows made me want to be there and this was my shot to be there. to see how it feels.


but before any of this could happen, we had to wait. and wait and wait. part of the experience was being in the pit on the floor which meant i had to wait for my spot. and the rain never did cease. i was drenched all the way through to the lining of my wool coat, but managed to keep my clothes dry. my feet were cold, wet, and completely aching by the time i got inside. after six hours which ended with security discarding of my umbrella, which i knew i would need again after the show, i made a mad dash for coat check. i found my spot near the front and to the right of the stage. i made some more friends while waiting in line and clustered with them once inside. one girl and i bonded over our height, which is always nice. they were truly sweet. to the point of feeling really bad when i didn't get a backstage pass because the guy that offered only had three. i couldn't have imagined meeting the band to be honest, and the look on their faces let me know that this was something they had prayed for.

i'm not huge on meeting my creative loves in that way. if i am meant to cross paths with them, i shall. otherwise, their creative output is how i connect. and what i came for there tonight was to connect in the flesh and give back some of the life, light, and energy they had gifted me. no more, no less.

we sang along to the videos as they played, got really annoyed by some obnoxious people behind us and enjoyed the opening band, semi precious weapons, in all their flamboyancy while we tried to ignore how much pain we were in. i knew that once the drums for escape began that i would forget it all.

and surely i did.

what came next was a whirlwind. the first five songs were "jumping" songs that had me feeling as if i couldn't control my body due to the currents of the crowd. i was in a living organism that reacted to pull of jared leto's gravity. i grasped hands with another girl to help keep our balance. once I got the hang of it, it was fun to lose it. though i was consistently being elbowed, pushed, and hit, i knew that it came with the territory. i could not zone out because i was in motion. but i sang and jumped and banged my head until i was winded, until i was hoarse, until i am sure my brain hit up against my skull.

complete abandon.

singing every word. becoming part of this collective voice that i am sure were making the walls vibrate. i love it when you can tell that the band is amazed at your response. we delivered a performance all our own.

which i have been able to see due to the show being streamed live online to people around the world. and when i watched it for the first time, i was shaking and vibrating like i did when i was there. it was unreal to know i was there. i was part of that madness. i was lost in the mass of echelon who came to show their love to the band and break a world record.

that feeling was life changing because i no longer have to wish that i was there. i was there!

and i got to feel what i needed to feel and hear what i needed to hear. our fearless leader gave thanks to us all when receiving the certificate for the record and said what my spirit needed:

i want to say to everybody out there, the true believers that you are here tonight. i can feel it in the room. i want to tell you something. you've done something really magical, and i don't want you to take this too lightly. you have through your belief, through your will, through your passion, through your love, you have made reality from a dream.

and i want everyone in here to carry this with them for the rest of their lives, okay?

this is an example to all of you, all of you out there who want to do something different with their lives, who want to do something special, who want to contribute, who want to do something meaningful, dreams are possible you can do what you dream.

so after tonight, tomorrow, lets all promise we're gonna live the first day of our new lives, you understand? lets promise each other that we will be brave, we will fight for what we believe in, and we will live dreams.

ironically enough, it is right at the beginning of this speech when i can see myself on camera for the first time. i am catching my breath, wiping the sweat out of the hair, and looking upwards with full intent to listen. those words bolstered a conviction that has set me forth on the path i am currently on. i have to continue to press on. but i am in alignment. i am living out the things that i never thought i would do. but to have someone i admire shower those words upon me, in that particular moment, and to word it as a promise, felt like what i needed to hear.

i needed a reminder of my conviction and faith.

the show ended on a semi-high note as two girls were taken out for medical care, but both recovered thankfully. but at the time, one was still down for the count so it felt weird singing kings and queens knowing one of us had been hurt so badly she had to carried out on a stretcher. but our voices rang clear like we were sending her all the love we could muster.

afterwards, i left the venue riding the wave i tend to after shows.

but i was met with a loneliness that hadn't hit me before. other shows were followed by a gathering of some sort with the people i meet but this time i was alone in new york city. i was more exhausted and tired than i had felt all year and had to figure out how i was getting back to the airport. not to mention it was still raining, and i had work to do.

i jacked an umbrella from the ground, found a diner on corner, ate my food in silence when i realized that the last shuttle to the airport just left. so i would need to get a taxi all the way out there because i was not wondering the streets all night. the ride cost the same amount as my concert ticket! but i was just happy to be where i needed to be and dry.

i felt broken. i felt myself wondering why, why did you do this to yourself?

then i looked in my bag and saw all my little stickers and fake tattoos, and guitar picks that i got from some girls, my echegifts. i tired to forget how much pain i was in and how much my head throbbed from being hit by a crowdsurfer. i tried to write down what i could remember from the night because i didn't want the negative to outweigh the good.

and they didn't. they couldn't because i got what i came for. i got to sing, jump, dance, and lose myself for one night, with a band whose music has been carrying me at a show that meant so much to them. i got to send my thank you and share it with some very sweet people. and add yet another experience to my list of memories.

i will never forget.
i will never regret.
i will live my life.


thank you so much gentlemen and until we meet again, i believe i have promise to keep.

rambling: feeling reflective

as of friday at 5:25 am, i've been on this planet for 24 years. now i stand at the start of a new year. my resolution has been the same since i turned 22: be in a better place by this time next year. this could mean emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, professionally, intellectually. no matter the cause i have to see progress and as 23 was a good year, i like what lays before me. i was nervous just this time a week ago, sitting in my room alone and starving. now my belly is full, heart overflowing, and recovering from a night of revelry with friends and strangers.

its amazing how quickly the tide can change.

one opportunity has changed my mood significantly: i'm going to be a teaching assistant this semester. not only a great opportunity but the pay will go towards paying off my tuition bill for the spring. getting to my brother's wedding just got easier. such a feeling of relief that i almost cried when i got that email. talking to siblings and old friends i realized how good my life is. i feel good about where my life is headed, the decisions i have made, the work i am making, and the connections that will persist. i am thankful. i am determined to work as hard to do justice by this. its all inspiration to continue moving forward.

to keep fighting.

it does not surprise me that the soundtrack to this time is incubus and 30 seconds to mars. incubus has always riled a part of me to rebel and be a joyful defiant outsider. an outlet to express my anger and disgust while also inspiring how i would aspire to be more. their sounds have been pushing me for as long as i can remember. don't be scared, you can go there, you can be that woman you dream of becoming.

their latest album title sums up how i feel: if not now when?

the newcomers to the love list have provided an anthemic soundtrack aptly named this is war. a roaring emotional record that gives me chills, makes me dance, inspires tears, awakens the fighter in me. what more could i ask for from them? the impact is swift, a clean cut shock to system. i feel awake. i feel ready to fight through another year.

i will continue on this path knowing that i went through my 23rd year living the life i've always wanted to the best of my ability and only saw things improve. i only saw me become more like myself than i have ever been. i know who she is and i like her. i will continue to nurture and care for her through what will be my last year of college life. looking back, i like what i saw in 23 and 24 is shapely up quite nicely. i will make this one count.

according to charles baudelaire's philosophy, i intend to live the life of a drunkard. i intend to be full my whole life, no matter how empty my pockets or stomach may be. my high tolerance will only serve me well in this regard. stagger or stumble, i will continually have a drink in hand.

cheers.

meet: 30 seconds to mars

this is not a true meet post as i already knew of them. but only that one song. you know that one song from four or so years ago, with the amazing video. i saw it as a cool song and video, thought oh wow jared leto can really sing, and went about my business. but as of a few days ago, i have been bundled up, kidnapped, and converted.

couldn't be more happy and pissed off. happy because i needed something to counter my incubus obsession but pissed that i'm so late to the party that i missed their raleigh date.

i found them with the good old related videos effect. i actually remember how i got there. russell brand stand up videos >> russell and noel fielding stand up >> noel fielding on alan carr >> jared leto on alan carr. when i saw the video on the side, i thought why is he talking to him? when was the last time he was in a movie? then it clicked. oh yea, he has a band!

now it will suffice to say that the interview was hilarious, jared was sweet and a bit dirty, but the deal was sealed with the clip from the video closer to the edge. my jaw actually dropped and of course i proceeded to the full video from there.



loved it and immediately felt jealous of those in the crowd. then onward and onward, til i hit george lopez where jared was funny, sweet and dirty once again but it was mentioned that he directs all the videos right before they showed a clip of hurricane. and a bell went off it my head. all the criteria had been met and then some:
funny and silly, check.
older than me, check.
multitalented, check.
irreverent, check.
reminds me of other loves [chris corner's looks, powerful music and dirty vocals, prince's use of the term family for supporters, creative dictatorship, and fight against the industry, roger daltrey's range from blue eyed soulful crooning to rocked out screams, mika's energy on stage and dedicated fan base worldwide] check.
a bit dirty frisky openminded check check, and check.

i've been watching and listening ever since. their unplugged made me cry. the music is speaking to me. coming up from that horrible funk, this powerful music was waiting for me. it was so needed and put me right back where i need to be. so with that i say thank you for finding me.

obsessions overlap as they are incubus affiliated too which just makes it even better. though i have only spoken of jared, who gets mad kudos for having vegeta-hair in that picture by the way, it must be said that the other two members of the band are just as fascinating. shannon, jared's brother, drums like a beast. definitely see keith moon in him. tomo is fun to watch and apparently plays the violin and is obsessed with mastering the guitar with his feet. it amazes me that they are as old as they are. not to mention that they can take bad romance, the only gaga song that got me, and make it this:



sonically i was sold, but the aspect that makes them stand out to me is the culture that surrounds them and the strong symbology they have created. from the perspective of an observer and designer like me they are an interesting case study. their message moved me so much from that short clip from closer to the edge. their audience is broad and dedicated. it is the church of mars, as jared called it. and i love the blatant line, yes this is a cult. its been built up in such a strong thoughtful interactive way on their part that i am doubly inspired as a supporter and creative.

that's why i am writing of them now and they are added to the love list. you have to do more than make songs i like. your creative spirit has to touch mine. like i tweeted and received a reply from the guitarist tomo, which caught the eye of members of the echelon welcoming me to the family, count me amongst the converted. this is war is added to the birthday list.

btw, i feel much better. like their song says, i fell apart but got back up again.

rambling: honest thoughts at 7 am

its been one of those nights. one of those dark dank adventures into my mind that leave me exhausted as if i had just danced for an hour straight. the outcome of it always seems to be shame, a steeled determination, hope, sadness, desire. a jumbled heap of feeling that is not really sure which one is on top. i can rationalize why i go through these nights: fatigue, hunger, isolation, weakness of mind or spirit, the crashing depressive that manifests from bouts of mania, lack of sleep, impending stress, fear. all seem true. all spin out these hurtful truths about myself that i rally against. the optimist in me sets out to work within these constraints and plant my flag at top this heap like a conqueror. but she never remains there for long. things shift and i find myself climbing again. i almost think i like the fall, like it reminds that i am alive. such a masochistic thought but a true one.

i felt like a teenager again. sitting on my bed, headphones blasting out angry sounds, while i dig, pick, and scratch at my skin. tears rolling down my cheek as lyrics sound like thoughts and beats echo my actions. a full blown attack upon myself partly due to the fact that this scene is recurring. not just as a teen but an adult. its part of me, not some adolescent growing pain that will subside. its my glitch. my quirk that comes and goes but still happens. i have to acknowledge it. i never do damage to the point of breaking the skin, just enough to mark me up. to make my skin glow red and a throbbing pain seep through my tender skin. all of the previously stated emotions or situations contribute to a sense of betrayal. this sense that i am pitted against a formidable foe: myself. like my body betrays me. whether it be my twisted thoughts or dragging up old painful memories, or the sluggishness and dizziness that besets me due to my imbalances. i am continually fighting to stay in the present and pleasant but part of me cannot or does not want to live there.

part of me cannot help but see dark though there is light. there is so much light around and ahead of me but i find myself fearful and alone. its all in my feelings. feelings that belie what i know to be true. what i know i have no reason to worry about. i cannot just let it go. i cannot let myself off the hook and i am left with this unsettling individual all day. every day all the time.

i am just tired. tired of the back and forth. the up the down. the numbness i have taught myself. the need to distract from myself because if i begin to entertain her, it will only lead down dark passageways. though i know i cannot flee her, i have to be her. i am her. whether i like it or not. i have to lick the wounds i give myself and step out into a new day. i have to have faith that this will not continually haunt me. that i should be thankful i have some means of coping. be thankful that i am still here no matter how mangled i may feel.

i am still here. still fighting. i know better though i may not feel better. trust that. yes, optimist, i am talking to you. i know you will read these words later and be amazed at how they read. you will be thankful that this passed. you will be looking for answers from your past self. what i will say is this: it is okay to cry. be glad you can feel. it is okay to fall as long you proceed to crawl your way back to a walking stride. there is always light. there will be always be light because it comes from within you. follow it and the darkness of these nights will be lessons that you will outgrow and no longer need. don't mutilate or blame yourself, accept who you are and take care of her. i know it is hard [you are a handful] but it is your job to do so.

i have a knack for the overstated and overblown but my emotions flare out like flames from the sun. i like to capture and articulate them if i can. get 'em out of my head to have them staring back at me. it helps to see the damage so that you do not continue it. like i said before, you are my mirror. so i must be honest, even if what comes out is rather ugly and unpleasant.

but it is a new day.

the night has passed and i can feel my body giving out on me again. sleep beckons and with a sigh i end this note to myself. so many quotes and lyrics come to mind but i think this one will end with some from my latest love and fascination, 30 seconds to mars:

i will never forget, i will never regret, i will live my life.

sorry for starting august this way. but i bet by my birthday, i will be fine. i always bounce back.

silliness: sugar, water, purple

in honor of my latest rambling, i have to post the only performance of monuments and melodies which is preluded by riffing on the ever missed dave chappelle's bit on grape drink. which becomes a one off burst of energy called sugar, water, purple.







and thanks to my own silliness and this clip, i now cannot help but hum s.w.p. whenever i hear the breakdown in thieves, which has some of my new favorite lyrics despite sharing sounds with their outburst of silliness:

why should the thieves have all of the fun
selling us water by the river
they don't speak for everyone
i'm ready to run and you're making me crawl
selling us water by the river
they don't speak for me at all

their new album is my birthday gift to myself this year. if not now, when?

ramblng: monuments & melodies

its been two months to the day since i last spoke with you. these long prolonged silences are the product of this very annoying associate of mine: life. she [you knew it would be a girl, right] creeps up on me and snatches me away. sometimes in flights of fancy and others in wallowing self pity. either way, i am away. far from the reaches of my profoundly close friend who listens and mirrors my true self. the keeper of my thoughts so that i never forget where i have been. never forget.

it makes me believe that when i leave it is not only life's fault but also my internal disassociation at play. as if i back away from my words like i will somehow outrun myself. that when i do come back around i will look upon these ramblings and shake my head as if to say, i know better now. in actuality, i reread things to remind, not remand my former self to the prison of youth and stupidity. i try not to judge her so harshly. also considering that when i do stray, her habits come roaring back. without my mirror, it is easy to reassume the position. to let idealism and optimism usurp my experiences.

i let emotions override what i already know.

often due to the fact that i never want to be someone who loses the ability to hope. to aspire to see the best in people and situations. i may complain but i will rise to the occasion on my own if need be. my complaints often stem from others' inability to be of their word. of others' ineptitude with things that i take such care to consider. not everyone can be held to such standards. it is a shame when you can see more in someone but never see it flourish. it stings in a way even more so for me, as i continually like to find solutions. i like to help. i like to hope. it may hurt but it will hurt a great deal more if i ever lose the ability to do so.

my hope is tethered to my curiosity. to that experimental side of my brain that likes to give chances and see what happens. the irony of such behavior is that i cannot control or wield the situation. i have to wait and see and no amount of poking or prodding will make it happen quicker. that is where the pain stems from. without such efforts, watching and waiting for results is fascinating and can slip from the radar completely if nothing happens. but when you leave the sidelines, and put your emotions and efforts into the act itself, pushing for your own victory, it consumes even if it is futile in the end.

the fighter in me does not like to sit idly by but she is learning when to let go and what battles are worth fighting.

being in familiar territory conjured similar feelings but yet not the exact same. i am different than i was before. i would even say better. because i am trying. when someone asks how i am, i say i'm good, i'm trying. i'm continually trying to be better. trying to be who i want to be, who others see me as. i recognize that i am of value and must be taken care of. when i saw that i was slipping into a carelessness with myself, i shook off my old writings and replayed the voices in my head from all those who value me saying that they love me, care for me, miss me, etc. the irony of this is that one of those voices came from the very place and person who assisted with me feeling how i did before. my perennial, continual kazoo hovering over my shoulder in my ear, in my heart telling me to have fun, to never forget what i've been through, to never doubt the love that is there for me. yet those lovely words are coupled with the same behavior and actions which undercut it all. it can't be both and at this stage, i cannot wait around to see which is real. i know what felt real to me, but feeling is not the end all be all. the door is never closed but i am not sitting up with the lights on and couch turned to face to the door either. it is improbable and not what either of us want. i may have written before that it couldn't happen but my optimistic idealist self dared to hope. i think she always will. and to be honest, i can't blame her.

it feels good to be connected. but whatever the formula is with us that allows that connection to flourish without have the adverse of effect something also decaying eludes us both, so i cannot focus on it. the strength of our magnetism is overwhelmed by everything else and begins not to have the sway it once did. so my mind shifts, to other pulls that drag me back to where i belong. back to the light and back to me. and as it always seems to be, music is the dominant force.

this time in the the form of incubus, who i can claim are my first favorite band. my adolescence belongs to make yourself and morning view. i fell in love again with light grenades in college and backtracked to a crow left of the murder and some songs from science. just when i needed it they reappeared and i realized how much i missed them. how long it had really been. despite their absence, there was an immediate familiar sense of joy when watching the video for adolescents.

there is something about them that spoke to me then and still does now. reading brandon boyd's notes completely hit how i feel about music. he said it perfectly and i realized thats what he always did. its like the way colbert and stewart manage to just say what i mean. reading his words felt like talking to a friend. and listening again now, is like looking into a mirror. they sound exactly the way i felt then and now. some songs will always hit home.

i suggest we learn to love ourselves
before its made illegal
when will we learn
when will we change
just in time
to see it all fall down

it felt like reuniting with old friends, which is what i needed. i needed to remember that girl who fell for them. that girl who would write for hours on end. who lusted for so much more than what was in front of her and dared anyone to tell her she couldn't have it. she wallowed but made it into art. into poetry. into thirst for knowledge. that thread runs through me and all those i admire. they all have glitches, quirks, flaws, scars but pursue beauty amongst it all.

my past is perilous
but each scar i bear sings
monuments to where i have been
and melodies to where i am going

how much more succinct could something so true be? i was in awe when i heard those lyrics and instantly thought i am one of those people. and i am so close. now it is not the time to lose focus. now is not the time for crippling fear.

now is the time for compassion, love, courage, empathy and thought.

i wrote that my empathetic heart was all over the world as i struggled with the juxtaposition of wanting to be informed but not wanting to be saddened. between famine, deadly protests, attacks in norway, passing of miss winehouse, and our country edging close to default, i lost it for a bit. it saddened me and still does. the death of amy hit me particularly because her music equates to my mid-college years and she is the first artist who spoke to me since my musical enlightenment that i have lost. i like many others rooted for her so vehemently. its odd to know she is not here. i can still sing her songs and hear her music and smile but it weighs on me. it made me think of all the others that will crush me when they go. it made me consider mortality in general. to think of her friends, family, and fans losing her so soon and with the full knowledge that she had more to give as a human being and artist. i am happy we have what she gave but of course disheartened that she's gone. not to mention those all over the world who are being lost. over and over and over. makes you value every time you inhale and exhale. every time you wake up.

its something that we live in such times that are equally frightening and fascinating. i chose this image specifically as it is my favorite painting by brandon but also because of the duality. she could be a drowning night terror or a soaring heavenly dream.

ascent or descent? all depends on how you look at it, right?

and thinking back on what i just wrote, i spoke as if i fell into this hole of my former life only to see nothing had really changed and climbed back out. there is cause and effect there. descent and ascent. both together, not either or. which i think is always the case if you can wait it out and pursue something higher, searching onward and upward during it all.

as song says, its just a phase...it will be over soon.