its funny to think that i feel the need to explain my absence to myself. i guess i am the one that i feel most accountable to right now. probably because i have a tendency to fail her...me. i hadn't felt like analyzing myself. someone had pressed pause again and i felt stuck like i was on fly paper. not to mention the creeping in loneliness and chill of autumn breezes making me miss parts of my old life. it seems more than a few months ago. a whole other era. leaps and bounds. i can't judge whether this is right or wrong, and give it a stamp but i can say that i feel better.
my sight is clearer. but i am not liking some of what i can now see.
times seem so bleak. but really its just a matter of patience. my focus has shifted towards something i thought i would never want: more school! i am applying to graduate school and thus pulled a brake on the job front for the moment. but the beauty of it is that i am not running into grad school as a haven from recession hell, but more so to do what i really want to do.
i figured it out! a career path. now granted i feel that my career and personal creative endeavors will remain separate but that is the beauty of it. i don't want the wrong passion to become my career because i will end up hating it. case in point: i haven't been able to enjoy listening to outkast again since finishing my seminar book.
so there it is my explanation. i have been knee deep in a melodramatic stand still depression while researching and applying to graduate school. i give myself excuses more than explanations sometimes i think. fluffy sounding reasons for not making the moves i need to. but writing forces me to explain. to be honest. to cut through some of the crap i tell myself to find some semblance of truth. its funny how you never have to dig too deep to find it.
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