inspiration: lost generation

2010: so let me begin...

[i have neglected you, phd, and i apologize deeply, and offer a pretty starry picture.]

so it is a new year. a whole brand new spanking & kicking year and decade. besides it seems only fitting that i return at the beginning of something. my old posts seemed to be tied to an end. the depressing end of something and of course, the in-between period. and i am nothing if i am not reflective. so here's a good chance to catch up.

1. still no job... and as much as that sucks i am enjoying the mental freedom. i am surrounded by those whose existence is dominated by their jobs. either the ridiculous amount stress or the unbelievable dislike of traffic, or even the emptiness of no longer having a bell to answer. i am lucky.

2. applied to graduate school... the biggest benefit of not being employed was being able to figure out exactly what i would like to do. and as it so happens, graduate school is required. if, no, when i have my way i will have a masters in fine arts in either design or visual communications. the ultimate goal being to use design in education reform. being a professor would be amazing for me but namely i would like to use my design skills and thinking to aid & bring awareness to our education system.

3. i know what i want creatively... in working through all of these many hoops to land on my career, i realized that i do not want a stereotypical designer career. working in a firm, under the helm of some snooty veteran designer. consistently tied to technical bits of information that change at the drop of a thumb to click a mouse pad. i am really more artistic though i have a designer's mind. i cannot completely fly on the wings of snooty fancy in the art world or the technical coldness of design.

i am bits of both but above of all else, i am an independent. i enjoy being commissioned for what i do, not being told what to do. parameters, criticism, & collaboration are my dear friends but in the end, i like to do things my way. the stereotypical solo artist. but i know this will be the part of my life i keep separate from my career. my creativity needs not to be diluted by being the source of money, because it is a source of happiness for me. i need it to be pure. as pure as i can manage. which means i need to control it. too many times in freelance situations, i have felt like a whore at the whims of my clients searching for my monetary and creative fixes. that will not do for me. each design will be tainted if i let it go that way and i do not want to grow to hate or resent my creative need.

4. i got closure... this one is quite recent. very. meaning yesterday. i haven't spoke about my ex in a long while because i was doing all that i could to push him out of my system like detox. i didn't mean for it to be a malicious thing but it was necessary for me. and i needed to look after me for a change. and yesterday i got the chance to converse with him. and i am happy to say that i was right. i was right! not only that our relationship ran in reverse [basically marriage to friends] but also that we will always be connected.

it was also nice to pick up the old bantering rhythm. but i think that i was happiest to thank him for letting me go. he stated how he loved me too much and too truly to constantly take me through all that. i have realized that he was right to do so because i do not need to be a part of that life anymore. he always kept me at the brink of his madness but if we were still together, i would have just carried on with it all and eventually fallen right off the edge. mind you we talked through all of this months before actually breaking up, but for me, it had to be real and felt. i needed to hurt and go through the pain and come through on the other side and find that self worth for it to all make sense.

he knew this, the too smart for his own good sucker, so i am thankful. i get to let it go now. completely. no more questions unanswered or things unsaid. now its just a friend, if i ever need him.

the bottoms i reached in college seem to be the furthest away from me now and i find myself ready to be that person everyone seems to think i am capable of being. all of these people seem to see it. i don't want to prove them wrong. that is not my style. i am keeping my attitude high as much as i can. sulking cannot be a permanent state.

i feel responsible for my happiness. for the first time in a long time i feel like i am at the beginning of something.


[lastly, i will do better this year, phd. admittedly i missed u.]