rambling: me or them

there is much to speak upon and not necessarily the will to really write. i haven't been quiet for lack of things to speak about [entitlement, defenses, excellence, dreams have all come to mind] but just not really been in a writing mood. but then of course i remembered why i write in the first place.

no wonder i feel out of whack. i have been thinking and contemplating things without getting them out. i've been letting emotions and thoughts circle and crash around my head to be replaced with more after the smoke has cleared. partly because i got busy. partly because when i wasn't working i was sleeping. partly because i did not feel like being analytical for a change. partly because i think i had grown weary of always having an opinion. sometimes i feel blank because there is nothing going on, and other times i do it on purpose.

i put myself on vacation from myself. i let the real world into my universe and quit thinking so much.

only issue with that...i can't trust them now can i?

something that has come up for me, time and time again is that i hold myself to a standard that is not standard. the way i do things and believe things should be done is not always what others believe. i am not against compromise however, i will not go along with something that does not feel right to me. trusting my feelings has been my nearest and dearest for as long as i can remember. my instincts have lead me to be in a prime position: i have been accepted into two graduate school programs, one of which is my top choice. been offered scholarship and fellowship from one and waiting to hear back from the other. working with a start ups that is teaching me how i want to be in the business.

there is a balance that is starting to unfold. for awhile all i was seeing was what i did not want because i did not know what i wanted. i know what i want now but still have to rely on other people's decisions to get it. if for whatever reason i fall out of favor, i know that i can say that i did my best and a lot was left in the hands of others. i think that is part of the reason i want to do so much on my own, and why i spend so much time alone. i know the alternatives are dealing with people who do not care or do not know any better. i know i will not receive what i give and i just have to believe that one day i will. that all this hard work and good will can not lead in the wrong direction. it feels right. the hardest part is keeping the faith when all else says otherwise. thankfully i have people that believe in my talent and i believe in it too.

i worry about it though. i worry that a side effect of this is being detached to the point of it being a flaw. i know i do it to protect myself and i worry of what i am missing if anything and if what i gain is worth it. i worry about regretting it. i rarely do, but even that is a learned behavior. i assure myself that i am doin what i need to be. that it will fall into place and i will be in the light at the end of it all. i look at the people i see myself in, the people i admire and view as inspiration. they do it too. its like it comes with the territory. i am built this way. some people hate me for it, some people understand why i am this way and just call to make sure i am still here. and even if they do not understand they just let it be because they love me. i have love in my life in ways that i always have through all my darkest days but took me forever to truly appreciate.

i go back and forth between utter love & true isolation i feel like a crazy person and i used to wonder if it would ever stop. i know it won't. i am not even looking for it too anymore.if i know the black and white extremes, i should be able to recognize all the gray. i wish for balance and the realization of all the things i want. too much? too unrealistic?

tough. i want it.

being true to me is the only way i know how. i will find my audience. rather risk not finding them than losing me.but the wildest things is knowing that as i type someone is deciding my fate. i have a fierce fighter mentality that won't let me rest until i get what i want or die knowing i did all i could to make it so.

and im just at the beginning.