isolation. i enjoy it when it is forced or happenstance. i enjoy being by myself, i feel comfortable that way i suppose. i do miss those that were closest to me but when i think of all that goes into any interaction, i become weary of it before it has begun. the vulnerability and the supposition that i know what is going to happen even before it does. but yet i still long for a companionship worthy of folklore. my romantic mind dreams up an individual that i will probably never encounter. i spend my time talking to this invisible counterpart, holding court, reminding myself of things i already know. needing to speak to them to make it real, because my thoughts can belie themselves. the cunning little fuckers will trick the mind that bore them. i hold it all together because i know myself so well. if i was afraid to face myself, this would never work. i would mutilate myself much more harshly and in a non-metaphysical way if i had not found some way to accept myself. in all my craziness, my flaws, i function with a resolute belief that i am okay. my oddity does not give me any reason to fear, just gives me even more reason to be proud of how well i do function. of how well i can handle myself when my biggest foe is myself. not much else gets to me like i get to myself which would lead to the supposition that i should be able to tell her to shut up and get on with it but with that there is the misfortune of having to be with myself all day. every day. all the time. i love the company but sometimes the trick turns on me and i have to work around her treachery. my work does that. music does that. all my fascinations do that. i try to focus on them so that i won't steered towards the darker things that could kill me. i haven't stumbled towards the liquor cabinet yet. i keep myself on the straight and narrow i think. but i also cannot fall so deeply into a solipsistic hole that i cannot interact with people anymore. i worry that i will be a sayer not a doer and will just continue to be fascinated by others thinking that coulda been me.
but with all that said.
i know i won't.
i'm too aware of it i think to do so. my neurosis won't let me mess this up.
when the time comes, i will pounce. i will not fail. i will not falter. til then, my best & most complicated relationship is with myself and i doubt i have the capacity to truly take her out.
[happy 100th, phd. i hope u like the new digs & the craziness that just sprawled out of me.]