rambling: dream on

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream

-the commodores "zoom"

its official over here in so many ways. i am now 23, a graduate student, resident of raleigh, a licensed driver and utterly alone from all those i know. my music keeps me company to fill the silences of anonymity. i am now that tall chick to those who happen to see me pass.

i like it.

i said i wanted to press reset and here i am in front of a black screen. an open canvas. that nervous energy is back. that rhythm and bounce is back. my inquisition is leading in the right direction. and i like it. i find myself smiling for no reason only to find that i am brimming with pride at the fact that i did it. i said i wanted something and did it. and not only did it, but did it largely on my own. i mean the support was there but getting all this together was in my hands. no counselors or mentors. just me, saying you can do this. you can find it.

its there, just take it.

and here i am. now clearly there are sacrifices involved. its not like i am not paying for this, literally. but i have granted myself this time and in the best possible place. ncsu is a role model program that is only getting better and more recognized. and i get to play a role in that. the studiomates are nice, so are the roommates. the campus is huge and beautiful. so clearly i was in the best possible place right? all smiles. well not necessarily. of course the buzz killington of my life had to step in the remind me the literal cost of what i "call myself doing." as if i was "signing my life away" for nothing. as if i was randomly risking so much without any idea. funny how the faithless will wait to speak up once its already done. however, it was intended to sound, it went in one ear, smashed through all my excited smiles and pissed me off. but then i stopped, talked my way through it and came out laughing.

i am moving on with my life and if you cannot be excited & supportive, step aside. i am heading onwards and upwards regardless of your two cents. i laughed to think of the conservative this person has aged into. i think of how much im going to defy that way of thinking. i already have and will continue to do so. nothing will stop me dreaming my dream.

scratch that.

nothing will stop me from living it.