speak of the devil and he shall appear. well i thought of him actually. and i invited him back in. and its not a devil. never was though i casted him as one. it fit the plot, it fit how i felt at the time. but then i realized i was thankful to him. i am speaking of my ex of course. he was in my thoughts last night as i went over my old posts. i wondered how he was and decided i could handle letting him back in. i missed his friendship.
we picked back up our rhythm like no time had passed. chatting away about our lives and of course began reminiscing on our life together. not only had he intentionally helped me but i am still in his heart now. the reason why this is so hard hitting is he was not attentive or affectionate while we were together. he loved me in his way and i thought of how difficult it must have been for him to watch me become less and less like the woman he fell in love with. partly due to him. so he pushed, and pushed until i had to get him outta my system and become what he always saw me to be. and as it turns out, it needed to be without him.
he never left my heart, the love remained even though i didn't feel in love with him anymore. so to have all this care and affection barreling back at me today when i am least expecting it, when i had gotten used to being alone. actually happy being alone. it hasn't changed that but imagine being told that someone you love loves you. and not just a little but a lot and you are doing better than them. it seems that you are better off without them in your life.
we both feel like if its meant to be it will and til then we can be the best friend the other needs. but that knowledge is there. and also considering that we are older now, and wouldn't make the same mistakes of round one. we still have a ways to go as people and as friends, but now i have this person hovering in my subconscious rooting for me. wanting me to be the best version of myself, at his own forfeit. possibly his own detriment.
its humbling, encouraging, and consuming. he still has that affect on me. can just hijack my thoughts and the moon tonight did not help. i always compared him to the moon, which he told me makes him think of me nightly as he is always looking for it now. i know, i know the sweetness was killing and making me think, "where was this before?" but just as he orbited back into my life, the moon was closer to the earth than its been in 18 years. it shone through a halo even from behind the clouds. sitting outside on a porch swing with a warm breeze blowing, i missed him more than i had in awhile.
i do not know what this will mean. everything and nothing. it was like speaking what was already known in a way but that does not stop it from hitting you hard. maybe i can help him get to where he needs to be from afar without losing myself like i did before. i am not that girl anymore. and he does not want me to be.
see the way he looks on paper, when written out it seems like such a no brainer, but yet we can't. yeah i know. it sucks. now this song from a new found love takes on greater meaning:
so my life did not end after new york. though it seems that way. 2011 has been a bit of whirlwind with me coming up for air now as spring has landed on my doorstep. i missed the colors, the sunlight, the warm breezes. i recently updated my sister with whats going on in an email and realized how interesting my life looks typed out. i am making moves and proving myself right at every turn. this is where i am meant to be. new music is flowing into my head while others are waiting to be taken in. another continues to dominate. my reason for my first adventure of this year aka dear uncle p is making his way to north carolina next week. i will be at two shows and taking a bit of a trip to get to one. just a two hour train ride, and it will be my first time taking amtrak. yay another first! oh and i will be seeing chaka khan....sweet thing anyone?? i am telling you now, if the chords of that song or come on get played, i will have a fit. we'll see what prince has in store for rounds 2 & 3.
i don't really have a reason to be writing right now but i just kinda felt like it. things are coming together and i like to look back at the chaos that beset this current state. i enjoy revisiting her, she was raw and unabashedly full of emotion and want. i forget her at times because i am working so hard to sate her. she lays dormant but is always there. i accept and appreciate her because i would not be here without her havoc. i had to see how far, how deep i could go because now i realize the full scope of how high i can go. getting to know me to the fullest has given me the ability to be happy with very little. i hope everyone gets to feel this simplistic type of joy. its based in this appreciation and understanding of what i love and what i am here to do. enjoy what i love, and serve my purpose. simple. but my shoulders are starting to burn a bit so i will retreat but if you are reading this and feeling a bit less that what you are, trust me it gets better.
just love your way through the darkness.
apparently for me, spring automatically means two things: horrible allergies but a better outlook on life. must be the colors & light. and since i am still traveling though my purple vortex i'll end with a lyric: "positivity, have you had your plus sign today? "