rambling: creative soulmate

i seek connection. interaction. collaboration. genuine love. i find myself envying those who have found the people in their lives that serve these purposes.

my problem?

i was born into a klan of sorts, lucky number seven i am, and we are close. my best friend has always been my sister, thus i am cursed it seems to search for surrogates.

miraculously enough i have tasted what it feels like to be with soul mates. yes, soul mates. and they have no blood relation to me. i am lucky, remember?

but i am insatiable and also been recently plucked from my environment of the past few years. thrusted back into my womb-like pre-collegiate existence which is humbling. and made me somewhat fearful.

inside these walls time ceases to matter. hours droll on without end, constant televisions flickering without eyes to receive the transmission, lights with nothing to illuminate, food with no one to feed, left to rot forgotten in a cupboard, bodies like the over sized furniture that now makes maneuvering like a game of pac-man, constant corner bending, conversation avoidance balanced with dedicated though obligatory care-taking.

my brain reeling consistently with different goals than just a week ago. its no longer: will i eat today? but rather what and how much? forever stuck in repeat and shuffle like a misfiring weary itunes, in need of a well-earned upgrade, my brain has taken the nights for solitude.

i revel in those quiet moments where i can mimic my former life, trying not to envision all the wasted opportunities that my hermitism or shyness kept me from. a part of me says it is all for the best and it will be once again.

but perspective is hard to have when you feel as if you haven't seen the sun in days. when you pop up out of sleep midday with your brain still firing out thoughts as if my body merely passes out, never drifting off to sleep, like when a computer is turned off improperly. its forceful, frustrating, and has the feel of defeat.

i am seeking an escape. the tangible one of course is finding a job and thereby getting the means to get out of here and be on my own again. but what i am beginning to understand about me is that my rampant curiosity takes me to edges of my own rationality.

i want it all. i cannot be happy with current state of affairs. my ambition coupled with curiosity turn into dirty contrary nitwits who ruin any joyous occasion by always noticing what is missing, what could be and what isn't.

so as i sit here thinking of all the collaborative teams that i envy [tim burton & johnny depp, russell brand & matt morgan, julian barratt & noel fielding, andre benjamin & antwan patton, hugh laurie & stephen fry, wasalu jaco & dusean dunbar] i only hope that having an endless possibility personified in another will balance me out.

thats really what i need. my foil. i will take more than one to be honest because i got a lot going on because the silence is turning into collapsing noises, echoing almost, ringing loud and clear over it all.

thank god for my beloved comedy, radio, and music as my beautiful lifeline in my mac has been restored as best she can be and i feel whole again.

so from all this what can i deduce: try really hard not to sit still or have it be silent, enjoy the situation while you are in it even its killing you. connecting to others trumps all.

the curse of an overactive brain is nothing to do and no one to talk to. so through this oxymoronic circumstance i am sitting here alone but connecting with you all the same to satiate the beast.

now back to my hunt.