this song will forever remind me of my grandmother's funeral. in the car, on the way to the cemetery, we were listening to a rush of blood to the head. this track played and we rode in silence until my uncle said, "that is one coooold play." smirks and side glances but the silence was still unbroken. it holds a secondary level of melancholy for me but i can listen to it now without crying. just a thought of my grandmother who never really knew how lovely she was.
memorable lyrics:
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i set you apart
this song ripped through all of posturing in high school and hit the core of how i felt on my weakest days. the rawness of his voice with an acoustic guitar feels honest and the lyrics sounded like my thoughts. it still gets me til this day. the way it builds like a volcanic eruption of emotion that breaks & ends right where it began. no solution or completion, just expression & a bit of hope.
memorable lyrics:
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
i would sit on my bed, in the dark, ears plugged with only the lights from the hallway and the ipod to keep me company. rocking back and forth and trying to find strength in his lyrics. trying to find some honor in staying when you know you should leave. in loving someone that seemingly does not want you to. his voice expressed the pain & stubborness i felt at myself. im such a masochist for taking the pain. im such a sadist for inducing it.
memorable lyrics:
when you lower me down
so deep that i can't get out
when you're lost, lost & alone
yes you'd think it was the last place
you'd come back for more
and when it was finally over, these lyrics absolutely murdered me.
memorable lyrics:
i am dreamer
and when i wake
you can't break my spirit
its my dreams you take
and as you move on
remember me
remember us
and all we used to be
i've always fascinated by the phenomena of me being so physically striking yet also invisible. i convinced myself that i was not worthy of any attention or worry. no one bothered to ask therefore there is no care for me. in my weaker moments this makes sense.
when i snap out of it i realize i am left to my own because people believe i am strong enough to handle it. everyone seems to believe that i have it together or if i don't i will soon. to put it colloquially, "she'll be aight."
when im feeling weak i make myself a spectacle just to warrant a reaction. on many a day i conceived various ways to startle & purely mortify those into noticing me. i never went through with it to the point of causing actual harm...usually just drank a bit too much. usually just picked arguments or be deathly silent or continue my kindness waiting for it to reciprocated. i am happy i do not allow myself to do this anymore. i don't think in terms of the other anymore. i have to please me in the end, not living for them.
i scared myself when i thought the phrase "well i cannot do anything to harm myself because __________ will be devastated. don't wanna ruin their day."
i felt like i was living for others convenience, not my will to do so. i just did not care about me and its hard for me to conjure up love when i dont feel it around me. i was broken to say the very least, but now i realize that even though i still wish to be found, its not for self validation. no ulterior motives or expectations. just seeking connection wherever i may find it. i can't expect anyone to find me, if i haven't and back then, i was not even trying.
memorable lyrics:
Souls pass me by
Why can't they see me here
Touch me one time
Just like magic
I will reappear
there are many more songs that cause my eyes to overflow but no one likes a debbie downer. next i will explore some memorable albums. its nice to reflect on where you've been. gets me excited for where i'm going, like i'm checking things off a list.
[angst, check. longing, check. isolation, check. broken heart & recovery, check & check. okay moving on!]
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