for the past few days my body has felt like it is fighting me. i have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a whole amalgamation of symptoms that vary from patient to patient and manifest themselves differently. but something we all share is insulin resistance, my body does not process it properly. meaning my blood sugar is something i have to be aware of or i may pass out. its the worse feeling in the world. i feel like i am dying when i am in a hypoglycemic bout and thankfully i bounce back rather quickly. i was diagnosed when i was twelve, so i am used to it, but for the past five days i have felt unable to bounce back. its like being a stupor, a haze. it comes and goes but i know i am not at one hundred percent.
another part of this condition and the core of a lot issues i have/had is a hormonal imbalance. can you imagine my identity crisis as a twelve year old when i have hair growing down the side of my face, my voice is of a lower register, i am already taller than everyone around me, and that a lack of menstruation set off this whole questioning & diagnosing yet i was staring down at a pair of c's? whispered conversations happened around me as i contemplated the freak that i was. part boy part girl. i have a complex about til this day. petrified that i may find myself wanting children with the child bearing hips i have grown into only to find i cannot. worried that the two halves will never reconcile themselves and i will produce the right amounts of both hormones. that i will always be out of whack. that i must smile brightly and wear things obviously feminine not to warrant a response for a sir or mister. that has happened to me three times. i feel myself being the hugest joke ever played. the most naturally maternal person unable to have her own. the six foot four invisible woman. the walking billboard that no seems to see or pay attention to. a walking living breathing contradiction.
i have come a long way from that confused preteen but she is still at my core. i have to rationalize and make things make sense for her. you feel bad right now because you need to eat. you have shave so often because of the imbalance and genetics. you feel depressed because of your isolation and anxiety. you want to drink because it numbs your brain and stops you from thinking to much. you crave this because of your addictive personality. i break myself down into these understandable bits so that she isn't confused anymore. self diagnosis because the worse thing is not knowing what is going on.
i sate her by believing that my two halves, masculine and feminine, help me connect in ways others may not be able to. i can empathize. i am teaching myself to see everything that i possibly can as a strength and benefit to me if it is not killing me. this condition is not but it has shaped and molded me. it identifies a lot of me because we were introduced at such a pivotal time in my life. it is why sexuality and gender fascinate me. it is why my moods shift. i am a hormonal seesaw. being aware helps but does not make it any easier to deal with let alone explain to myself or anyone else. but since i feel my body and me have been at odds lately, i needed to try. she can not give out on me, my mind and heart have too many things to do.
meanwhile,in continuing my compiling of my life the soundtrack, here a seven tracks i love and you may too if you give them a try:
1. first time ever i saw your face- roberta flack
2. somebody to love- queen
3. money don't matter 2 night- prince
4. half life- sneaker pimps
5. you don't know me- ray charles
6. atticus- the noisettes
7. by the time- mika ft imogen heap
cheers, phd. i needed that.
No comments:
Post a Comment