kinda heavy huh? but thats the things that have been on my mind as of late. i have always been of an older more mature nature but i feel as if i am not negating it. i am not trying not to be serious or trying to fit into what a typical 20 something is supposed to be. i am not settling. i am following that elusive inner compass and seeing where it takes me. its what lead me here, landed smack center of one of the most talked about design conferences to happen this year at a college whose reputation grows each day in a state that was just granted money from the government for education which is where my eyes point towards anyways. im under the wing of the woman that inspired me to believe that i could fuse together the two passions of my life.
for lack of better phrasing, i am supposed to be here.
i find myself alone here, broken between my room and studio. much like my undergraduate career. but there i had friends, my aces that grew closer to me as i withdrew from everyone else. they held me up often but distracted me as well. these distractions i welcomed with open arms and eyes as i needed some 'life'. i wanted my own stories and scars and surely i got what i sought. but what i did not see coming was how clearly i would be able to see myself after all of it. seemingly i had to lose me to find me. she was always there but she was happy to let others take the reins.
but now that i have the reins firmly in my hands, and i feel as if i know in general where i am headed, i am alone. are they mutually exclusive? i don't think so, but it depends on what i am willing to give. right now, i value my health and my work. sometimes these don't always sync up but i will say that i realize that for my sanity i have to be alone sometimes. i have to separate studio and home. i have to be allowed mental breaks, whether its as simple as watching the daily show & colbert report everyday, i must have voices in my head that are not my own and not other designers.
i love what i do but it will swallow you whole. i enjoy the company of my studio mates but i think i have gotten ready to find a niche here that is beyond their reach. i have never expected to find any more aces here, i knew i would find colleagues though. and there are some truly interesting figures and minds here. but of course, old habits die hard. i still find myself attached to a screen obsessing over some towering cultural figure in my life [currently, mr. prince rogers nelson, aka uncle p]
but one thing that i am reassured by is that i not only admire these people, i love them and see something of myself in them. it can be something very basic, but there is some connection there that gives me hope. take my dear uncle for example. he gives me faith that i can and will grow and change. that evolution as an artist and person do not have to be mutually exclusive. there is a peace to be had if you are not afraid to take a journey of course. there is something to be said of that man's fearlessness. there is something to be said about his spirit. his journey, as far as i can tell, is not a pretty one, its not wrapped in pretty little purple bow. and that just the tidbits you can discern here and there. its in the music from what i deduce. one of the things i love about him is how he communicates with such emotional honesty in his work, which is not easy.
there seems to always be a discussion of whether or not you respect and/or like that person outside of the work. well for me, he is somewhat omnipresent in my life as i can never imagine him not being there. that being said i realize and respect how utterly human he is. he grabs my heart with his search for peace, happiness, and love. i do not expect perfection. and as much i hope that the people i love are as lovely as they seem, the relationship that means the most to me is that 1 to 1 relationship i have with the sounds coming out of my speakers. its a way for me to have wisdom whispered in my ears and what i seek is a connection with what you are trying to communicate to me. thats the whole reason i fell for them in first place. they connected, they made contact and with him, he is hitting like .750. mind you, i still haven't heard everything. i have listened to twenty five albums in their entirety and still have some way to go. he does not make it easy and i think thats one of the things i enjoy. i like rising to the occasion that he sets out before me as a listener. sometimes i am rewarded, sometimes i shake my head, but either way i am engaged. i am elated he is still recording, performing but i am thankful to say i know what i behold now with him. i never got it before, but i do now. eyes wide open, heart even wider.
my name is mina and i am a purple hippie [ooh wee sha sha coo coo yea]
but i digress, just the ability to admire i think is valuable. to see beyond yourself and be able to praise, when seemingly so much of our nature is the opposite.
i had a thought last night, in one of my many late night thinking/talking sessions, that i could not think of a moment where i had done something so vile that truly haunted me. the things that i have felt shame for, have been forgiven by the people that i wronged in some way. but i do not have that one story that i wish i could fix. i think i am so aware of that now.
i am truly only here to facilitate and help those that i can. i like influencing people, whether it be giving advice or turning them onto some new music. i like leaving an imprint on a person. its just about the only thing i value. that my love for others causes me to want to do good, be good, and inspire good. i know that i inspire. people have been telling me for ages that they look up to me and it makes me aware that what i do has an effect. people look to me for cues that i just naturally send out i think. and to think i could lead someone astray by what i am doing, i think lupe fiasco said it best, i would rather not be remembered at all.
still a bit heavy huh? lol
i know but i figure, if i am in a moment where i can feel myself having an impact, i am not being distracted, i have the time to ponder, what better thing could i be doing? at least i know i can have an effect. i think we all can but that requires activity, not passivity. and that is not a punitive statement as people do have other more pressing matters. but one of the luxuries of academia is i don't.
its so obvious im meant to be an intellectual, its not even funny.
well just a bit. but i can truly say that i am happy. i am not complacent so expect some furor to manifest but seriously, "aint nothin ever came from complaining, 'cept a bitter heart." good ol uncle p.
No comments:
Post a Comment