its been one of those nights. one of those dark dank adventures into my mind that leave me exhausted as if i had just danced for an hour straight. the outcome of it always seems to be shame, a steeled determination, hope, sadness, desire. a jumbled heap of feeling that is not really sure which one is on top. i can rationalize why i go through these nights: fatigue, hunger, isolation, weakness of mind or spirit, the crashing depressive that manifests from bouts of mania, lack of sleep, impending stress, fear. all seem true. all spin out these hurtful truths about myself that i rally against. the optimist in me sets out to work within these constraints and plant my flag at top this heap like a conqueror. but she never remains there for long. things shift and i find myself climbing again. i almost think i like the fall, like it reminds that i am alive. such a masochistic thought but a true one.
i felt like a teenager again. sitting on my bed, headphones blasting out angry sounds, while i dig, pick, and scratch at my skin. tears rolling down my cheek as lyrics sound like thoughts and beats echo my actions. a full blown attack upon myself partly due to the fact that this scene is recurring. not just as a teen but an adult. its part of me, not some adolescent growing pain that will subside. its my glitch. my quirk that comes and goes but still happens. i have to acknowledge it. i never do damage to the point of breaking the skin, just enough to mark me up. to make my skin glow red and a throbbing pain seep through my tender skin. all of the previously stated emotions or situations contribute to a sense of betrayal. this sense that i am pitted against a formidable foe: myself. like my body betrays me. whether it be my twisted thoughts or dragging up old painful memories, or the sluggishness and dizziness that besets me due to my imbalances. i am continually fighting to stay in the present and pleasant but part of me cannot or does not want to live there.
part of me cannot help but see dark though there is light. there is so much light around and ahead of me but i find myself fearful and alone. its all in my feelings. feelings that belie what i know to be true. what i know i have no reason to worry about. i cannot just let it go. i cannot let myself off the hook and i am left with this unsettling individual all day. every day all the time.
i am just tired. tired of the back and forth. the up the down. the numbness i have taught myself. the need to distract from myself because if i begin to entertain her, it will only lead down dark passageways. though i know i cannot flee her, i have to be her. i am her. whether i like it or not. i have to lick the wounds i give myself and step out into a new day. i have to have faith that this will not continually haunt me. that i should be thankful i have some means of coping. be thankful that i am still here no matter how mangled i may feel.
i am still here. still fighting. i know better though i may not feel better. trust that. yes, optimist, i am talking to you. i know you will read these words later and be amazed at how they read. you will be thankful that this passed. you will be looking for answers from your past self. what i will say is this: it is okay to cry. be glad you can feel. it is okay to fall as long you proceed to crawl your way back to a walking stride. there is always light. there will be always be light because it comes from within you. follow it and the darkness of these nights will be lessons that you will outgrow and no longer need. don't mutilate or blame yourself, accept who you are and take care of her. i know it is hard [you are a handful] but it is your job to do so.
i have a knack for the overstated and overblown but my emotions flare out like flames from the sun. i like to capture and articulate them if i can. get 'em out of my head to have them staring back at me. it helps to see the damage so that you do not continue it. like i said before, you are my mirror. so i must be honest, even if what comes out is rather ugly and unpleasant.
but it is a new day.
the night has passed and i can feel my body giving out on me again. sleep beckons and with a sigh i end this note to myself. so many quotes and lyrics come to mind but i think this one will end with some from my latest love and fascination, 30 seconds to mars:
i will never forget, i will never regret, i will live my life.
sorry for starting august this way. but i bet by my birthday, i will be fine. i always bounce back.
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