rambling: creative soulmate

i seek connection. interaction. collaboration. genuine love. i find myself envying those who have found the people in their lives that serve these purposes.

my problem?

i was born into a klan of sorts, lucky number seven i am, and we are close. my best friend has always been my sister, thus i am cursed it seems to search for surrogates.

miraculously enough i have tasted what it feels like to be with soul mates. yes, soul mates. and they have no blood relation to me. i am lucky, remember?

but i am insatiable and also been recently plucked from my environment of the past few years. thrusted back into my womb-like pre-collegiate existence which is humbling. and made me somewhat fearful.

inside these walls time ceases to matter. hours droll on without end, constant televisions flickering without eyes to receive the transmission, lights with nothing to illuminate, food with no one to feed, left to rot forgotten in a cupboard, bodies like the over sized furniture that now makes maneuvering like a game of pac-man, constant corner bending, conversation avoidance balanced with dedicated though obligatory care-taking.

my brain reeling consistently with different goals than just a week ago. its no longer: will i eat today? but rather what and how much? forever stuck in repeat and shuffle like a misfiring weary itunes, in need of a well-earned upgrade, my brain has taken the nights for solitude.

i revel in those quiet moments where i can mimic my former life, trying not to envision all the wasted opportunities that my hermitism or shyness kept me from. a part of me says it is all for the best and it will be once again.

but perspective is hard to have when you feel as if you haven't seen the sun in days. when you pop up out of sleep midday with your brain still firing out thoughts as if my body merely passes out, never drifting off to sleep, like when a computer is turned off improperly. its forceful, frustrating, and has the feel of defeat.

i am seeking an escape. the tangible one of course is finding a job and thereby getting the means to get out of here and be on my own again. but what i am beginning to understand about me is that my rampant curiosity takes me to edges of my own rationality.

i want it all. i cannot be happy with current state of affairs. my ambition coupled with curiosity turn into dirty contrary nitwits who ruin any joyous occasion by always noticing what is missing, what could be and what isn't.

so as i sit here thinking of all the collaborative teams that i envy [tim burton & johnny depp, russell brand & matt morgan, julian barratt & noel fielding, andre benjamin & antwan patton, hugh laurie & stephen fry, wasalu jaco & dusean dunbar] i only hope that having an endless possibility personified in another will balance me out.

thats really what i need. my foil. i will take more than one to be honest because i got a lot going on because the silence is turning into collapsing noises, echoing almost, ringing loud and clear over it all.

thank god for my beloved comedy, radio, and music as my beautiful lifeline in my mac has been restored as best she can be and i feel whole again.

so from all this what can i deduce: try really hard not to sit still or have it be silent, enjoy the situation while you are in it even its killing you. connecting to others trumps all.

the curse of an overactive brain is nothing to do and no one to talk to. so through this oxymoronic circumstance i am sitting here alone but connecting with you all the same to satiate the beast.

now back to my hunt.


performance: vocal clowning

ah the 90s: brown women could lead and singing was not sacrificed.
unfortunately style meant things tended to match, be stretchy, shiny, leather, or metallic. close your eyes & listen.

quotation: i hope andy was right



i have been in a lot of intelligent converstaions and one in particular came up that resonated a deep sadness in me. i am not the news but here is a fact: a young boy in elementary school killed himself due to hateful anti-gay bullying. read that again.

this child did all the things you are supposed to and yet he was sacrified [may he be at peace in death].

there is this thing in me, a sensistivity, that breaks when i hear of things like this. i feel the innonence or idealism peeling away. but this is also why i do what i do. that is some of the darkness i want to balance out with my light. however, what bothers me the most is that no one notices anything until there is a tragedy.

tragedies in these terms have been happening for years [remember columbine] and it has gone without any reform until now we have young children not even to make it through their formative years. there are just so many issues at hand: the system who cannot discpline without fear of government reprimands for truancy, the underpaid teachers too jaded by the system, the overpaid counselors who don't do their jobs, the parents who don't advocate for their child, the friends who don't know what to do, the bullies who are broken themselves and lashing out, the media who take advantage for ratings but surely accomplish nothing long term. it is a mess.

but the worse thing of it all for me is the mentality of believing that children do not share the same issues as adults, that they will outgrow these feelings and should "suck it up". children are people too but the reason they are so vulnerable is because they lack the perspective to "suck it up". how are you supposed to cope when everyone in your universe is either ridiculing or ignoring you?

beyond that it is the mentality that people believe that they have the right to hate. that for some reason you have the power to choose that someone else is not worthy of being here. such arrogance and truly a sign of low self-esteem in themselves. within minority cultures, that are notoriously and as far as i am concerned ignorantly homophobic, the hatred we have historically received is spewed back out into the world in a vicious violent way. and by and by, people begin to accept it to the point where someone being repeatedly taunted goes unnoticed. not to mention the other various cases of bullying, beating and raping of students, i just cannot understand how blind you have to be for this to go on.

this particular case surrounds sexuality, which is a part of who you are, not your clothes or something you will outgrow. even weight teeters upon this line of sensitivity because you feel like this is something about yourself that cannot change. but no one has the right to make you feel like you are not worthy of the life you were blessed to have. and to have that type of hate happening within the first fraction of life, so viciously that you do not want to continue on, is unacceptable.

i do not know that solution. but what i do know is that people need to start paying attention. stop talking all the time and listen. let go of ignorant hate and stop teaching it to your children.

observe and feel, tap into your sensitivity, because the kind words you give today could be talking someone off the ledge tomorrow.

as my sister told me, smile more, you never know whose day you are going to brighten.


idea: fear

all these things are changing in my life all at once it seems but what isn't changing is this: i am not scared. i am not standing on the most solid ground but i feel firm in my station. the constants of my life are there and i know what is true. believe me, i am not without my doubts, but i know everything will resolve itself. fear is useless. fear seems to be resolved only by being able to control, but you are never truly in control. you cannot dictate your circumstance.

so just let it go.

there is such freedom in it. you breathe so much easier. come to terms with what has happened and look forward to what is to come. the greatest thing in life is the surprise; it wouldn't be any fun if you knew what was going to happen. be adventurous and without abandon while you can; you will not regret it.


rambling: reeking with beauty

one of my friends told me in a moment of utter sincerity that i 'reek with beauty'. i started laughing because 'reek' clearly has negative connotations and i know that is not what she meant. after some advice from our human thesaurus she changed it to 'exude' but the original phrasing was absolutely brilliant. her compliment to me continued, but that stayed with me. its crazy when someone tells you something true about yourself, especially when you kinda thought of it yourself. i know my mind well enough to know that it betrays me and will lie to me, especially when i am the subject, so hearing it from someone else makes it seem more true.

so i reek with beauty huh? clearly a positive thing and though i do truly try to maintain positivity, i have learned that i can go either way to equal measure. so if i am reeking with beauty, busting at the seams as it were, with light, there is an equal amount of darkness. virtue counterbalanced with vice. perfectly imperfect.

i flirt with it, those imperfect dark aspects of myself. there is something interesting about those things to me. they make me human, and make me relate to people. i connect more over idiosyncrasy than normality.

but how do you control the negative, the reeking, to maintain the positive?
is there a balance between the two because the darkness can feel so good at times?

the phrase 'reeking with beauty' brings them together in language so i need to figure out how to bring that into action. but maybe, without her even knowing it, she was telling me that i already do that. because the true difficulty of it all is trying not to let the darkness overcome because that is all it seeks to do. and it does feel quite amazing at times to let it. but the light is always better, more true and surely less harmful. the light is without shame. so i guess through all this jumbled language i am seeking to find my dusk, or dawn depending on perspective. i know people count on me to be things and i put pressure upon myself to be it, but truly i think what i am getting from these past couple of days, is that i am it.

in all my reeking, the beauty of who i am comes through.

moral: get in tune with the beauty within you, no one can define it for you, but they surely will recognize it and even better they will appreciate it. but it must be true to you, it can never be fabricated. and believe me, we all have it, in various levels and forms, but it is there, you just gotta let it out.


little things: reading

something about this picture just makes me happy. i'm finally getting my mind back from school's headlock and i'm tackling all the books i've neglected and actually reading my favorites again. i'lll follow up with my thoughts soon but my curiosity is enjoying its freedom.

doubly good: asher roth ft. cee-lo

looks as good as it sounds....

he's fascinating: talented, intelligent, lulling voice, completely unexpected.