rambling: medical mystery

for the past few days my body has felt like it is fighting me. i have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a whole amalgamation of symptoms that vary from patient to patient and manifest themselves differently. but something we all share is insulin resistance, my body does not process it properly. meaning my blood sugar is something i have to be aware of or i may pass out. its the worse feeling in the world. i feel like i am dying when i am in a hypoglycemic bout and thankfully i bounce back rather quickly. i was diagnosed when i was twelve, so i am used to it, but for the past five days i have felt unable to bounce back. its like being a stupor, a haze. it comes and goes but i know i am not at one hundred percent.

another part of this condition and the core of a lot issues i have/had is a hormonal imbalance. can you imagine my identity crisis as a twelve year old when i have hair growing down the side of my face, my voice is of a lower register, i am already taller than everyone around me, and that a lack of menstruation set off this whole questioning & diagnosing yet i was staring down at a pair of c's? whispered conversations happened around me as i contemplated the freak that i was. part boy part girl. i have a complex about til this day. petrified that i may find myself wanting children with the child bearing hips i have grown into only to find i cannot. worried that the two halves will never reconcile themselves and i will produce the right amounts of both hormones. that i will always be out of whack. that i must smile brightly and wear things obviously feminine not to warrant a response for a sir or mister. that has happened to me three times. i feel myself being the hugest joke ever played. the most naturally maternal person unable to have her own. the six foot four invisible woman. the walking billboard that no seems to see or pay attention to. a walking living breathing contradiction.

i have come a long way from that confused preteen but she is still at my core. i have to rationalize and make things make sense for her. you feel bad right now because you need to eat. you have shave so often because of the imbalance and genetics. you feel depressed because of your isolation and anxiety. you want to drink because it numbs your brain and stops you from thinking to much. you crave this because of your addictive personality. i break myself down into these understandable bits so that she isn't confused anymore. self diagnosis because the worse thing is not knowing what is going on.

i sate her by believing that my two halves, masculine and feminine, help me connect in ways others may not be able to. i can empathize. i am teaching myself to see everything that i possibly can as a strength and benefit to me if it is not killing me. this condition is not but it has shaped and molded me. it identifies a lot of me because we were introduced at such a pivotal time in my life. it is why sexuality and gender fascinate me. it is why my moods shift. i am a hormonal seesaw. being aware helps but does not make it any easier to deal with let alone explain to myself or anyone else. but since i feel my body and me have been at odds lately, i needed to try. she can not give out on me, my mind and heart have too many things to do.

meanwhile,in continuing my compiling of my life the soundtrack, here a seven tracks i love and you may too if you give them a try:

1. first time ever i saw your face- roberta flack
2. somebody to love- queen
3. money don't matter 2 night- prince
4. half life- sneaker pimps
5. you don't know me- ray charles
6. atticus- the noisettes
7. by the time- mika ft imogen heap

cheers, phd. i needed that.

inspiration: sir ken robinson

one of the reasons i'm going back to school to work in education.

my life the soundtrack: cathartic cries

i've been thinking lately of the music that when linked together plays as my life. either a song or whole album correlates to a period in my life. so lets start it off with some of my personal tearjerkers.



this song will forever remind me of my grandmother's funeral. in the car, on the way to the cemetery, we were listening to a rush of blood to the head. this track played and we rode in silence until my uncle said, "that is one coooold play." smirks and side glances but the silence was still unbroken. it holds a secondary level of melancholy for me but i can listen to it now without crying. just a thought of my grandmother who never really knew how lovely she was.

memorable lyrics:
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i set you apart

this song ripped through all of posturing in high school and hit the core of how i felt on my weakest days. the rawness of his voice with an acoustic guitar feels honest and the lyrics sounded like my thoughts. it still gets me til this day. the way it builds like a volcanic eruption of emotion that breaks & ends right where it began. no solution or completion, just expression & a bit of hope.

memorable lyrics:
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay

i would sit on my bed, in the dark, ears plugged with only the lights from the hallway and the ipod to keep me company. rocking back and forth and trying to find strength in his lyrics. trying to find some honor in staying when you know you should leave. in loving someone that seemingly does not want you to. his voice expressed the pain & stubborness i felt at myself. im such a masochist for taking the pain. im such a sadist for inducing it.

memorable lyrics:
when you lower me down
so deep that i can't get out
when you're lost, lost & alone
yes you'd think it was the last place
you'd come back for more

and when it was finally over, these lyrics absolutely murdered me.

memorable lyrics:
i am dreamer
and when i wake
you can't break my spirit
its my dreams you take
and as you move on
remember me
remember us
and all we used to be

i've always fascinated by the phenomena of me being so physically striking yet also invisible. i convinced myself that i was not worthy of any attention or worry. no one bothered to ask therefore there is no care for me. in my weaker moments this makes sense.

when i snap out of it i realize i am left to my own because people believe i am strong enough to handle it. everyone seems to believe that i have it together or if i don't i will soon. to put it colloquially, "she'll be aight."

when im feeling weak i make myself a spectacle just to warrant a reaction. on many a day i conceived various ways to startle & purely mortify those into noticing me. i never went through with it to the point of causing actual harm...usually just drank a bit too much. usually just picked arguments or be deathly silent or continue my kindness waiting for it to reciprocated. i am happy i do not allow myself to do this anymore. i don't think in terms of the other anymore. i have to please me in the end, not living for them.

i scared myself when i thought the phrase "well i cannot do anything to harm myself because __________ will be devastated. don't wanna ruin their day."

i felt like i was living for others convenience, not my will to do so. i just did not care about me and its hard for me to conjure up love when i dont feel it around me. i was broken to say the very least, but now i realize that even though i still wish to be found, its not for self validation. no ulterior motives or expectations. just seeking connection wherever i may find it. i can't expect anyone to find me, if i haven't and back then, i was not even trying.

memorable lyrics:
Souls pass me by
Why can't they see me here
Touch me one time
Just like magic
I will reappear

there are many more songs that cause my eyes to overflow but no one likes a debbie downer. next i will explore some memorable albums. its nice to reflect on where you've been. gets me excited for where i'm going, like i'm checking things off a list.

[angst, check. longing, check. isolation, check. broken heart & recovery, check & check. okay moving on!]

rambling idea: judgments & open minds

these days used to bear significance. funny how things change. thankfully things change. anniversaries become saturdays and the world moves on. i'm past it. i do not even ponder it anymore really. not in that mind numbing side cringing will i ever get answers way like i used to. more in the i wonder what he's doing fleeting feeling i get for most people i have not talked to or seen in awhile.

so clearly i do not intend to write about that since there is nothing left to say...what has been on my mind lately is judgment. i think of conversations that i have been a part of, well witnessed really, since i just sat back and listened. only occasionally chiming in. sometimes i do not feel like opening up someone's mind when we are just shooting the shit. but a lot is said in jest that stings.

it hits my ears wrong and i think man, that would be really offensive if certain people were in the room. i am not the pc police so why bother, but what concerns me is how people that claim to be open minded say things that are just the opposite. open mindedness does not equivocate to tolerance outwardly but internal disgust or reprimand. not that we all have to get along and agree but i do think there has to be mutual respect and at least an attempt to see the other side. then if you still cannot see or agree, you can walk away. but rash generalizations pool out of people with the connotation of it being an absolute truth from their point of view. there is never a bend to see it from the other side, which is at the core of open mindedness.

if you can only express your view with sentences that begin with i, then you're missing the point. there will always be the filter of your own existence, but there must be empathy as well as relation.

the conversations that come to mind involve two divides: sexual & generational. both have been within my family. sexuality is not something that i believe we have an issue with as a family but it is easy to say because we have never had to consider it. no one has had to come out to us before. we have all been deemed heterosexuals. but what seems to fail me is how they cannot understand that everyone has their own kinks and things that arouse them, so what turns you on is not what is going to turn someone else on.

speaking of homosexual men and not understanding how they are attracted to the male form that is overtly masculine. i mean they are gay! of course it turns them on, that is the point. assumptions & stereotypical generalizations run rampant. the inability to look at it rationally and without cultural goggles or from within your own preferences is what gets me. there is no major difference to me. everyone likes what they like and that's cool.

as long as its not children or incest or dead people or animals. everything else is fair game. there is clearly variety and difference but nothing that should cause someone shame.

i try not to pass judgment on people for thinking the way that they do but i do find it interesting that many within the black community cannot seem to wrap their minds around sexuality and open their arms to their so called alternative counterparts. especially since the rhetoric is quite similar to what racists would say about what they considered to be lesser races. they make them seem alien, inhuman, closer to animals, somehow less than...instead of just different.

ignorance is lack of knowledge. some people are not intentionally malicious because they just do not know. and to me, it seems unfair and unfounded to jump down their throats every time they bring it up. how can you expect them to learn if they cannot ask? its when it becomes a joke that it begins to hurt. when it feels as if the inquiries are not genuine that it becomes malicious.

the generational divide within the black community is one that fascinates me. it is so evident to me the shift from my parents generation to ours. i understand it but what bothers me is the continual disassociation and lack of respect for the younger generation from the older. this becomes so unbelievably clear to me when talking about music.

music means a lot to every culture i suppose but i know it does for african americans. our music has been our lifeline in terms of survival. from wading in the water to pop locking on the block, our music has been our way out. the way to express ourselves in a way that was unique to us. no matter how often it is bastardized, it is still us. we created the american musical landscape as we know it. that sounds like such a broad and boastful statement but it is true. spirituals, folk, blues, jazz, rock, funk, pop, hip hop. it all began with us. now it has sprawled the world over and been built upon and broken into various genres. some derivative & celebratory before yielding their own innovations while others stole without a second thought.

the music has identified who we are and bordered in what was acceptable with monikers existing like black or white music. if you step outside said boundary you are somehow leaving behind part of your identity or culture. it became so controlled which to me is completely against the nature of music itself. its meant to spread and translate.

in all of this division, a generational split happened within the community that was made appallingly clear in music. on numerous occasions i think we all have had to defend hip hop. we've had to explain its artistry. now clearly as chris rock so masterfully broke down, some things make it difficult to really stand up for hip hop. but there are always shining examples, depending on what hip hop means to you.

but what confounds me is the inability to see how hip hop developed in an organic way from the musical traditions that our parents generation gave us. it speaks to us and our lives right now. i know that what spoke to them back in day wasn't easily accepted either. the classics were not always so. legends were not born. but what i find interesting is that it is not another race that does not seem to understand. it is your parents. the people that created you and they do not even seem to get it. the divide is within what used to be such a tight knit club.

there was a shift. hip hop birthed a new musical tradition like rock n roll and its going through all the same phases. the shift in circumstance from generation to generation has changed the way we express ourselves and thus how we understand each other. the circumstances which we now live under did not exist when our parents were the same age as we are now. the opportunities are nowhere near equal. not just in terms of race, but gender, sexual orientation, economic status, educationally, technologically. the list goes on forever. thus, in many ways our music speaks in a language that many of them cannot even understand. but i relish when the lines are blurred and they like some of the music we like proving the lineage is still there.

we are their children. i was raised on everything from sergio mendes to the police, bob marley to talking heads, steely dan to prince, jimi hendrix to david bowie. they brought the world into our home with every song. and thus some of their tastes have clearly rubbed off. i owe my open mind to it. and i am thankful for it. that i know more and can be empathetic to others in a way that a lot of other cannot seem to grasp.

there is no finger pointing or ranking, just an open mind that hopes other people will open theirs as well. we are all human and anything that elevates us above being animals is fascinating. everything speaks to someone. everyone has something that turns them on. it may not make sense to you but then why should it? some things will be outside of your realm of understanding.

either learn the language or tip your hat and keep it moving.

meet: b.o.b.

i think it is obvious why i like this kid...i'm interested to see where he goes. but so far, he is making me proud of my hometown again.

so fast forward: his album drops and is currently my favorite thing! he is genuine talent and added to the love list. decatur where its greater still can generate artists! *humming airplanes* btw, if eminem is featured on your track, you are certified without question...seriously. he backs it up and then some for me.