adventure: new york city, ny

the objective of this adventure was the same as the last one set in new york city: attend a life changing concert. this time the guests of honor: thirty seconds to mars. the occasion: the last show of their guinness world record breaking tour.

And not to mention my first time seeing the band and my first rock concert.

thirty seconds to mars have risen to the top of the love list faster than anyone else has before. and this was the quickest turn around of falling in love and consummation. it took my entire life to finally see prince and there are many others that await me, with incubus at the top. they were going to be the first rock show, i had it all planned out in my head. but the timing was imperfect.

then mars300 was announced and i immediately pounced for a ticket. without hesitation and thought of consequences after the fact. like it would be right after final review, which was perfect for celebratory reasons, but it completely neglected the fact that i was not done after final reviews. there is documentation, there are papers, and not to mention grading.

but i know once in a lifetime when i see it, and this was it.

it gave me something to look forward to. making all the sleepless nights, muscle spasms, and tired eyes worth it. because i knew i would be able to get lost for one night with a band whose music has kept me going this semester. not to mention, see this gorgeously dedicated and dysfunctional community, the echelon, in action.

just as before, i found myself sitting in an airport watching the rain fall from gray skies and hoping that i would not be stranded. that i would not be weathered out of my experience or my money. i had already paid more for a taxi than i really wanted to and could feel my money just running from me like water off feathers.

but i was not bothered as soon as i hit the ground in new york. i was on a mission. i didn't look up the exact location of the venue before i left, but i knew it was near penn station. i knew i could find my way and just started walking. within ten minutes or so from the bus stop, i was in line. a satisfied grin on my face, which caught the eye of those who stood before me. we chatted and were quickly joined by two hooded girls without umbrellas. i offered and we became a little unit for awhile. they were from different places but i was clearly the most distant traveller. some had been to the show last night and there all four of the shows that were happening that week. only one other girl in the cluster was a virgin like me.

their stories were reminding me of the purple people i met when i came to see prince. there was such fervor over how much the show would change me, and my life. i cannot lie that i was skeptical just because i have felt that feeling before. seeing prince was surely life changing because i have loved the man my whole life. so i was unsure if my latest and greatest infatuation could do the same. i knew i would feel something because that is whole reason why love concerts. it is the most feeling that a music lover like me can do.

i am 100% alive when at a show. i am full with feeling.

i am trying to live for those moments and not go for those fleeting ones that if continually pursued will kill me. music is my welcome addiction. so i knew that i would get a fix but was it going to be the adrenaline shot to the heart, i wasn't sure yet.

i knew that i had to see them, because that was what pulled me in. the footage from shows made me want to be there and this was my shot to be there. to see how it feels.


but before any of this could happen, we had to wait. and wait and wait. part of the experience was being in the pit on the floor which meant i had to wait for my spot. and the rain never did cease. i was drenched all the way through to the lining of my wool coat, but managed to keep my clothes dry. my feet were cold, wet, and completely aching by the time i got inside. after six hours which ended with security discarding of my umbrella, which i knew i would need again after the show, i made a mad dash for coat check. i found my spot near the front and to the right of the stage. i made some more friends while waiting in line and clustered with them once inside. one girl and i bonded over our height, which is always nice. they were truly sweet. to the point of feeling really bad when i didn't get a backstage pass because the guy that offered only had three. i couldn't have imagined meeting the band to be honest, and the look on their faces let me know that this was something they had prayed for.

i'm not huge on meeting my creative loves in that way. if i am meant to cross paths with them, i shall. otherwise, their creative output is how i connect. and what i came for there tonight was to connect in the flesh and give back some of the life, light, and energy they had gifted me. no more, no less.

we sang along to the videos as they played, got really annoyed by some obnoxious people behind us and enjoyed the opening band, semi precious weapons, in all their flamboyancy while we tried to ignore how much pain we were in. i knew that once the drums for escape began that i would forget it all.

and surely i did.

what came next was a whirlwind. the first five songs were "jumping" songs that had me feeling as if i couldn't control my body due to the currents of the crowd. i was in a living organism that reacted to pull of jared leto's gravity. i grasped hands with another girl to help keep our balance. once I got the hang of it, it was fun to lose it. though i was consistently being elbowed, pushed, and hit, i knew that it came with the territory. i could not zone out because i was in motion. but i sang and jumped and banged my head until i was winded, until i was hoarse, until i am sure my brain hit up against my skull.

complete abandon.

singing every word. becoming part of this collective voice that i am sure were making the walls vibrate. i love it when you can tell that the band is amazed at your response. we delivered a performance all our own.

which i have been able to see due to the show being streamed live online to people around the world. and when i watched it for the first time, i was shaking and vibrating like i did when i was there. it was unreal to know i was there. i was part of that madness. i was lost in the mass of echelon who came to show their love to the band and break a world record.

that feeling was life changing because i no longer have to wish that i was there. i was there!

and i got to feel what i needed to feel and hear what i needed to hear. our fearless leader gave thanks to us all when receiving the certificate for the record and said what my spirit needed:

i want to say to everybody out there, the true believers that you are here tonight. i can feel it in the room. i want to tell you something. you've done something really magical, and i don't want you to take this too lightly. you have through your belief, through your will, through your passion, through your love, you have made reality from a dream.

and i want everyone in here to carry this with them for the rest of their lives, okay?

this is an example to all of you, all of you out there who want to do something different with their lives, who want to do something special, who want to contribute, who want to do something meaningful, dreams are possible you can do what you dream.

so after tonight, tomorrow, lets all promise we're gonna live the first day of our new lives, you understand? lets promise each other that we will be brave, we will fight for what we believe in, and we will live dreams.

ironically enough, it is right at the beginning of this speech when i can see myself on camera for the first time. i am catching my breath, wiping the sweat out of the hair, and looking upwards with full intent to listen. those words bolstered a conviction that has set me forth on the path i am currently on. i have to continue to press on. but i am in alignment. i am living out the things that i never thought i would do. but to have someone i admire shower those words upon me, in that particular moment, and to word it as a promise, felt like what i needed to hear.

i needed a reminder of my conviction and faith.

the show ended on a semi-high note as two girls were taken out for medical care, but both recovered thankfully. but at the time, one was still down for the count so it felt weird singing kings and queens knowing one of us had been hurt so badly she had to carried out on a stretcher. but our voices rang clear like we were sending her all the love we could muster.

afterwards, i left the venue riding the wave i tend to after shows.

but i was met with a loneliness that hadn't hit me before. other shows were followed by a gathering of some sort with the people i meet but this time i was alone in new york city. i was more exhausted and tired than i had felt all year and had to figure out how i was getting back to the airport. not to mention it was still raining, and i had work to do.

i jacked an umbrella from the ground, found a diner on corner, ate my food in silence when i realized that the last shuttle to the airport just left. so i would need to get a taxi all the way out there because i was not wondering the streets all night. the ride cost the same amount as my concert ticket! but i was just happy to be where i needed to be and dry.

i felt broken. i felt myself wondering why, why did you do this to yourself?

then i looked in my bag and saw all my little stickers and fake tattoos, and guitar picks that i got from some girls, my echegifts. i tired to forget how much pain i was in and how much my head throbbed from being hit by a crowdsurfer. i tried to write down what i could remember from the night because i didn't want the negative to outweigh the good.

and they didn't. they couldn't because i got what i came for. i got to sing, jump, dance, and lose myself for one night, with a band whose music has been carrying me at a show that meant so much to them. i got to send my thank you and share it with some very sweet people. and add yet another experience to my list of memories.

i will never forget.
i will never regret.
i will live my life.


thank you so much gentlemen and until we meet again, i believe i have promise to keep.

rambling: feeling reflective

as of friday at 5:25 am, i've been on this planet for 24 years. now i stand at the start of a new year. my resolution has been the same since i turned 22: be in a better place by this time next year. this could mean emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, professionally, intellectually. no matter the cause i have to see progress and as 23 was a good year, i like what lays before me. i was nervous just this time a week ago, sitting in my room alone and starving. now my belly is full, heart overflowing, and recovering from a night of revelry with friends and strangers.

its amazing how quickly the tide can change.

one opportunity has changed my mood significantly: i'm going to be a teaching assistant this semester. not only a great opportunity but the pay will go towards paying off my tuition bill for the spring. getting to my brother's wedding just got easier. such a feeling of relief that i almost cried when i got that email. talking to siblings and old friends i realized how good my life is. i feel good about where my life is headed, the decisions i have made, the work i am making, and the connections that will persist. i am thankful. i am determined to work as hard to do justice by this. its all inspiration to continue moving forward.

to keep fighting.

it does not surprise me that the soundtrack to this time is incubus and 30 seconds to mars. incubus has always riled a part of me to rebel and be a joyful defiant outsider. an outlet to express my anger and disgust while also inspiring how i would aspire to be more. their sounds have been pushing me for as long as i can remember. don't be scared, you can go there, you can be that woman you dream of becoming.

their latest album title sums up how i feel: if not now when?

the newcomers to the love list have provided an anthemic soundtrack aptly named this is war. a roaring emotional record that gives me chills, makes me dance, inspires tears, awakens the fighter in me. what more could i ask for from them? the impact is swift, a clean cut shock to system. i feel awake. i feel ready to fight through another year.

i will continue on this path knowing that i went through my 23rd year living the life i've always wanted to the best of my ability and only saw things improve. i only saw me become more like myself than i have ever been. i know who she is and i like her. i will continue to nurture and care for her through what will be my last year of college life. looking back, i like what i saw in 23 and 24 is shapely up quite nicely. i will make this one count.

according to charles baudelaire's philosophy, i intend to live the life of a drunkard. i intend to be full my whole life, no matter how empty my pockets or stomach may be. my high tolerance will only serve me well in this regard. stagger or stumble, i will continually have a drink in hand.

cheers.

meet: 30 seconds to mars

this is not a true meet post as i already knew of them. but only that one song. you know that one song from four or so years ago, with the amazing video. i saw it as a cool song and video, thought oh wow jared leto can really sing, and went about my business. but as of a few days ago, i have been bundled up, kidnapped, and converted.

couldn't be more happy and pissed off. happy because i needed something to counter my incubus obsession but pissed that i'm so late to the party that i missed their raleigh date.

i found them with the good old related videos effect. i actually remember how i got there. russell brand stand up videos >> russell and noel fielding stand up >> noel fielding on alan carr >> jared leto on alan carr. when i saw the video on the side, i thought why is he talking to him? when was the last time he was in a movie? then it clicked. oh yea, he has a band!

now it will suffice to say that the interview was hilarious, jared was sweet and a bit dirty, but the deal was sealed with the clip from the video closer to the edge. my jaw actually dropped and of course i proceeded to the full video from there.



loved it and immediately felt jealous of those in the crowd. then onward and onward, til i hit george lopez where jared was funny, sweet and dirty once again but it was mentioned that he directs all the videos right before they showed a clip of hurricane. and a bell went off it my head. all the criteria had been met and then some:
funny and silly, check.
older than me, check.
multitalented, check.
irreverent, check.
reminds me of other loves [chris corner's looks, powerful music and dirty vocals, prince's use of the term family for supporters, creative dictatorship, and fight against the industry, roger daltrey's range from blue eyed soulful crooning to rocked out screams, mika's energy on stage and dedicated fan base worldwide] check.
a bit dirty frisky openminded check check, and check.

i've been watching and listening ever since. their unplugged made me cry. the music is speaking to me. coming up from that horrible funk, this powerful music was waiting for me. it was so needed and put me right back where i need to be. so with that i say thank you for finding me.

obsessions overlap as they are incubus affiliated too which just makes it even better. though i have only spoken of jared, who gets mad kudos for having vegeta-hair in that picture by the way, it must be said that the other two members of the band are just as fascinating. shannon, jared's brother, drums like a beast. definitely see keith moon in him. tomo is fun to watch and apparently plays the violin and is obsessed with mastering the guitar with his feet. it amazes me that they are as old as they are. not to mention that they can take bad romance, the only gaga song that got me, and make it this:



sonically i was sold, but the aspect that makes them stand out to me is the culture that surrounds them and the strong symbology they have created. from the perspective of an observer and designer like me they are an interesting case study. their message moved me so much from that short clip from closer to the edge. their audience is broad and dedicated. it is the church of mars, as jared called it. and i love the blatant line, yes this is a cult. its been built up in such a strong thoughtful interactive way on their part that i am doubly inspired as a supporter and creative.

that's why i am writing of them now and they are added to the love list. you have to do more than make songs i like. your creative spirit has to touch mine. like i tweeted and received a reply from the guitarist tomo, which caught the eye of members of the echelon welcoming me to the family, count me amongst the converted. this is war is added to the birthday list.

btw, i feel much better. like their song says, i fell apart but got back up again.

rambling: honest thoughts at 7 am

its been one of those nights. one of those dark dank adventures into my mind that leave me exhausted as if i had just danced for an hour straight. the outcome of it always seems to be shame, a steeled determination, hope, sadness, desire. a jumbled heap of feeling that is not really sure which one is on top. i can rationalize why i go through these nights: fatigue, hunger, isolation, weakness of mind or spirit, the crashing depressive that manifests from bouts of mania, lack of sleep, impending stress, fear. all seem true. all spin out these hurtful truths about myself that i rally against. the optimist in me sets out to work within these constraints and plant my flag at top this heap like a conqueror. but she never remains there for long. things shift and i find myself climbing again. i almost think i like the fall, like it reminds that i am alive. such a masochistic thought but a true one.

i felt like a teenager again. sitting on my bed, headphones blasting out angry sounds, while i dig, pick, and scratch at my skin. tears rolling down my cheek as lyrics sound like thoughts and beats echo my actions. a full blown attack upon myself partly due to the fact that this scene is recurring. not just as a teen but an adult. its part of me, not some adolescent growing pain that will subside. its my glitch. my quirk that comes and goes but still happens. i have to acknowledge it. i never do damage to the point of breaking the skin, just enough to mark me up. to make my skin glow red and a throbbing pain seep through my tender skin. all of the previously stated emotions or situations contribute to a sense of betrayal. this sense that i am pitted against a formidable foe: myself. like my body betrays me. whether it be my twisted thoughts or dragging up old painful memories, or the sluggishness and dizziness that besets me due to my imbalances. i am continually fighting to stay in the present and pleasant but part of me cannot or does not want to live there.

part of me cannot help but see dark though there is light. there is so much light around and ahead of me but i find myself fearful and alone. its all in my feelings. feelings that belie what i know to be true. what i know i have no reason to worry about. i cannot just let it go. i cannot let myself off the hook and i am left with this unsettling individual all day. every day all the time.

i am just tired. tired of the back and forth. the up the down. the numbness i have taught myself. the need to distract from myself because if i begin to entertain her, it will only lead down dark passageways. though i know i cannot flee her, i have to be her. i am her. whether i like it or not. i have to lick the wounds i give myself and step out into a new day. i have to have faith that this will not continually haunt me. that i should be thankful i have some means of coping. be thankful that i am still here no matter how mangled i may feel.

i am still here. still fighting. i know better though i may not feel better. trust that. yes, optimist, i am talking to you. i know you will read these words later and be amazed at how they read. you will be thankful that this passed. you will be looking for answers from your past self. what i will say is this: it is okay to cry. be glad you can feel. it is okay to fall as long you proceed to crawl your way back to a walking stride. there is always light. there will be always be light because it comes from within you. follow it and the darkness of these nights will be lessons that you will outgrow and no longer need. don't mutilate or blame yourself, accept who you are and take care of her. i know it is hard [you are a handful] but it is your job to do so.

i have a knack for the overstated and overblown but my emotions flare out like flames from the sun. i like to capture and articulate them if i can. get 'em out of my head to have them staring back at me. it helps to see the damage so that you do not continue it. like i said before, you are my mirror. so i must be honest, even if what comes out is rather ugly and unpleasant.

but it is a new day.

the night has passed and i can feel my body giving out on me again. sleep beckons and with a sigh i end this note to myself. so many quotes and lyrics come to mind but i think this one will end with some from my latest love and fascination, 30 seconds to mars:

i will never forget, i will never regret, i will live my life.

sorry for starting august this way. but i bet by my birthday, i will be fine. i always bounce back.

silliness: sugar, water, purple

in honor of my latest rambling, i have to post the only performance of monuments and melodies which is preluded by riffing on the ever missed dave chappelle's bit on grape drink. which becomes a one off burst of energy called sugar, water, purple.







and thanks to my own silliness and this clip, i now cannot help but hum s.w.p. whenever i hear the breakdown in thieves, which has some of my new favorite lyrics despite sharing sounds with their outburst of silliness:

why should the thieves have all of the fun
selling us water by the river
they don't speak for everyone
i'm ready to run and you're making me crawl
selling us water by the river
they don't speak for me at all

their new album is my birthday gift to myself this year. if not now, when?

ramblng: monuments & melodies

its been two months to the day since i last spoke with you. these long prolonged silences are the product of this very annoying associate of mine: life. she [you knew it would be a girl, right] creeps up on me and snatches me away. sometimes in flights of fancy and others in wallowing self pity. either way, i am away. far from the reaches of my profoundly close friend who listens and mirrors my true self. the keeper of my thoughts so that i never forget where i have been. never forget.

it makes me believe that when i leave it is not only life's fault but also my internal disassociation at play. as if i back away from my words like i will somehow outrun myself. that when i do come back around i will look upon these ramblings and shake my head as if to say, i know better now. in actuality, i reread things to remind, not remand my former self to the prison of youth and stupidity. i try not to judge her so harshly. also considering that when i do stray, her habits come roaring back. without my mirror, it is easy to reassume the position. to let idealism and optimism usurp my experiences.

i let emotions override what i already know.

often due to the fact that i never want to be someone who loses the ability to hope. to aspire to see the best in people and situations. i may complain but i will rise to the occasion on my own if need be. my complaints often stem from others' inability to be of their word. of others' ineptitude with things that i take such care to consider. not everyone can be held to such standards. it is a shame when you can see more in someone but never see it flourish. it stings in a way even more so for me, as i continually like to find solutions. i like to help. i like to hope. it may hurt but it will hurt a great deal more if i ever lose the ability to do so.

my hope is tethered to my curiosity. to that experimental side of my brain that likes to give chances and see what happens. the irony of such behavior is that i cannot control or wield the situation. i have to wait and see and no amount of poking or prodding will make it happen quicker. that is where the pain stems from. without such efforts, watching and waiting for results is fascinating and can slip from the radar completely if nothing happens. but when you leave the sidelines, and put your emotions and efforts into the act itself, pushing for your own victory, it consumes even if it is futile in the end.

the fighter in me does not like to sit idly by but she is learning when to let go and what battles are worth fighting.

being in familiar territory conjured similar feelings but yet not the exact same. i am different than i was before. i would even say better. because i am trying. when someone asks how i am, i say i'm good, i'm trying. i'm continually trying to be better. trying to be who i want to be, who others see me as. i recognize that i am of value and must be taken care of. when i saw that i was slipping into a carelessness with myself, i shook off my old writings and replayed the voices in my head from all those who value me saying that they love me, care for me, miss me, etc. the irony of this is that one of those voices came from the very place and person who assisted with me feeling how i did before. my perennial, continual kazoo hovering over my shoulder in my ear, in my heart telling me to have fun, to never forget what i've been through, to never doubt the love that is there for me. yet those lovely words are coupled with the same behavior and actions which undercut it all. it can't be both and at this stage, i cannot wait around to see which is real. i know what felt real to me, but feeling is not the end all be all. the door is never closed but i am not sitting up with the lights on and couch turned to face to the door either. it is improbable and not what either of us want. i may have written before that it couldn't happen but my optimistic idealist self dared to hope. i think she always will. and to be honest, i can't blame her.

it feels good to be connected. but whatever the formula is with us that allows that connection to flourish without have the adverse of effect something also decaying eludes us both, so i cannot focus on it. the strength of our magnetism is overwhelmed by everything else and begins not to have the sway it once did. so my mind shifts, to other pulls that drag me back to where i belong. back to the light and back to me. and as it always seems to be, music is the dominant force.

this time in the the form of incubus, who i can claim are my first favorite band. my adolescence belongs to make yourself and morning view. i fell in love again with light grenades in college and backtracked to a crow left of the murder and some songs from science. just when i needed it they reappeared and i realized how much i missed them. how long it had really been. despite their absence, there was an immediate familiar sense of joy when watching the video for adolescents.

there is something about them that spoke to me then and still does now. reading brandon boyd's notes completely hit how i feel about music. he said it perfectly and i realized thats what he always did. its like the way colbert and stewart manage to just say what i mean. reading his words felt like talking to a friend. and listening again now, is like looking into a mirror. they sound exactly the way i felt then and now. some songs will always hit home.

i suggest we learn to love ourselves
before its made illegal
when will we learn
when will we change
just in time
to see it all fall down

it felt like reuniting with old friends, which is what i needed. i needed to remember that girl who fell for them. that girl who would write for hours on end. who lusted for so much more than what was in front of her and dared anyone to tell her she couldn't have it. she wallowed but made it into art. into poetry. into thirst for knowledge. that thread runs through me and all those i admire. they all have glitches, quirks, flaws, scars but pursue beauty amongst it all.

my past is perilous
but each scar i bear sings
monuments to where i have been
and melodies to where i am going

how much more succinct could something so true be? i was in awe when i heard those lyrics and instantly thought i am one of those people. and i am so close. now it is not the time to lose focus. now is not the time for crippling fear.

now is the time for compassion, love, courage, empathy and thought.

i wrote that my empathetic heart was all over the world as i struggled with the juxtaposition of wanting to be informed but not wanting to be saddened. between famine, deadly protests, attacks in norway, passing of miss winehouse, and our country edging close to default, i lost it for a bit. it saddened me and still does. the death of amy hit me particularly because her music equates to my mid-college years and she is the first artist who spoke to me since my musical enlightenment that i have lost. i like many others rooted for her so vehemently. its odd to know she is not here. i can still sing her songs and hear her music and smile but it weighs on me. it made me think of all the others that will crush me when they go. it made me consider mortality in general. to think of her friends, family, and fans losing her so soon and with the full knowledge that she had more to give as a human being and artist. i am happy we have what she gave but of course disheartened that she's gone. not to mention those all over the world who are being lost. over and over and over. makes you value every time you inhale and exhale. every time you wake up.

its something that we live in such times that are equally frightening and fascinating. i chose this image specifically as it is my favorite painting by brandon but also because of the duality. she could be a drowning night terror or a soaring heavenly dream.

ascent or descent? all depends on how you look at it, right?

and thinking back on what i just wrote, i spoke as if i fell into this hole of my former life only to see nothing had really changed and climbed back out. there is cause and effect there. descent and ascent. both together, not either or. which i think is always the case if you can wait it out and pursue something higher, searching onward and upward during it all.

as song says, its just a phase...it will be over soon.

adventure: los angeles, ca

the silence and hesitation i felt after coming back from nyc in january beset me again after this trip. so much activity in so little time that its hard to grasp how to write about it.



but as most stories do, let's start from the beginning.

my late night flight to mpls began rather smoothly. i'm wondering what souvenir i could snag in the airport in between flights when the pilot informs us of two crucial facts: the mpls airport is shutdown due to weather and we do not have enough fuel to circle around and wait. we fly to omaha instead to fuel up, which guarantees that i and just about everyone else on the plane will miss their connections. we finally arrive and i find my flight has left on schedule. weather must not have been that bad for long.

no anger or frustration. i was quite happy just to be on the ground again. policy dictates that weather related issues do not constitute a free hotel room. that did get me a bit annoyed but again i just wanted to eat and stretch my legs. i called my sister to tell her the lovely news that i wouldn't be getting in until tomorrow morning. thankfully she took off work. i felt like a hunter gatherer looking for food in a closed down airport. thankfully subway and mcdonald's were open. clearly i went to subway.

still a veggie [with the exception of sushi] after five months and mcdonald's smells horrendous to me. i'm in the delta concourse which means i cannot runaway from cnn on each tv screen. i watched for awhile but the reporters were pissing me off. the level of insincerity and joviality with such dire stories rubbed me the wrong way. a sentence should never say "they are still grieving after two months" for any tragedy especially in regards to something as devastating as japan. i mean they are still grieving in new orleans, mississippi, haiti, indonesia, and all the other various places around the world that have survived natural disasters. there is no time limit for that level of pain. just because your news cycle runs at an ungodly speed, thinking that things have moved on, people are still hurting here in the real world. but i digress...

i finally find a spot to crash and manage to get at least five hours of sleep. the next flight out was less eventful than the first and when i landed, i was again just happy to no longer be in the air. my sister got stuck in traffic which is a given in los angeles, as i remembered from my first trip. meanwhile i got to people watch. pedestrians almost getting slaughtered by rental car buses [you are not made of steel, wait for the light!], people wearing hats like it guarantees them personality and distinction, a man taking a photo on his phone trying to look sexy serious and i'm a big deal all at the same time [it may look nice when posted to fb or twitter, but u look like a self important idiot in reality].

our journey began with breakfast, [french toast with pineapples for me] and then some time on ventura. we pick up our banter talking a mile a minute like we don't talk almost everyday and think of what to do while i am there. we had already discussed going to a concert, so it was just a matter of which one. we stocked up at the mexican market as she calls it, where i swear they were selling cucumbers 8 for a dollar. i got four. the next day i got to spend at home alone while her and her boyfriend were at work. as always i enjoyed my downtime and really soaked in how well my semester went. how deserving i felt of this vacation. i made a killer salad and danced around to music and scoped out tickets for the shows that weekend at the forum, which didn't go on sale until wednesday.

i knew janelle monae was opening of friday and as you know, i said back in december that if her and prince would be on the same stage i wanted to be there. i missed the first one in nyc, so when this was announced, my mind was made up. my sister didn't care which one we went to, and let me decide. such a gracious host, but that meant two things: we would miss out on hanging with some of her friends and i would go to work with her and go straight to inglewood from there.

thus, that friday was a marathon.

if you have never taught or shadowed a teacher, seriously, do it and then kiss the ground they walk on. i had yet to visit this school and it was fascinating being in a such a small school and a muslim school. the kids were adorable and so intrigued by me. are there two miss pattons? are you her sister? one little girl just came up and hugged me without having a clue who i was. they all had questions and wanted to show and tell me things. i love that.

we had gotten our tickets the night before. the $25 seats and i committed the cardinal sin: checked back for other tickets. a pair of seats in the loge popped up at the same price. good seats. the office was closed so we couldn't exchange. i let it go but still decided to call just to see the next day. of course they were gone. but again, being in the building matters most, and we are tall anyways. we always have a good view.

after a long day as we had drama club practice afterschool, [a group of kids singing why can't we be friends? by war is cute on a level that isn't even natural}, we headed for inglewood. it was amazing the difference i could feel just being over there. i knew i was around my folks instantly, but even more so when we stopped at carl's jr. the cashier gave us a teacher's discount based on our word since my sister forgot her id. we had to wait a long time for our shakes, so she gave us cookies for free.

we put on the prince 101 mix i made for her when she told me she was going to some shows. i put each song that he had played during the tour so far on there, [not the covers or protege songs] and as luck would have it she's gotten a gang of songs that he hadn't played yet....like crimson and clover, when eye lay my hands on u, so far so pleased, strange relationship. i was green with envy about so many of the songs she got that i hadn't. but i was so happy for her. it had been special so far and nice for her to get songs she didn't know. so what would be in store for us?

firstly, we got upgrades! that had yet to happen to her. and even though i really liked our seats and would have kept them gladly, until a man came to the row behind us and starting handing out tickets. we played it cool at first as to not cause a scene but when he got to our row i stood up and asked for two. we moved down to the loge, in a better section than those tickets that we lost. so as we waited, that kept us buzzed but time was starting to drag on. but singing along to mint condition videos kept spirits high.

then at about nine, the screens began to play graphics for janelle monae. no other opener had used them before, so i knew she was going to put on a show.


she did not disappoint me. i knew she couldn't. the sound was a bit too loud so she felt kinda drowned out, like if i didn't already know the words it would have been a problem. but who cared when they came out strong and never let up. full on performance with cloaked figures, moonwalking, tight roping, slave type figures crawling after her, and the whole band decked out in black and white. i lit up when she played cold war and my heart soared when it was just her and kellindo for smile.


she dedicated it to stevie wonder. now i knew of rumors from weeks ago and had told my sister. so when we heard that, she keep slapping my arm like "is he here? is he here?" i was too busy being into the show and listening to her sing clearly for the first time since it was just her and her guitarist, kinfolk of maceo parker no less. i zone out when i am at a show so its weird being there with someone i know, who is consistently tapping my arm to show me the pics she snagged and trying to tell me something. her excitement was contagious and made me so happy. j. monae and the band ended with come alive which had a epic breakdown with the whole band laid on the floor while she led us in singing along la la la la la la la. she left the stage, not through the hydraulic lift, no no no. she climbed down off the edge and walked out past the purple party pit general admission set up at the back of the stage. high fived the security and strutted out like a g!

like someone who knew they killed it.


it was another thirty minutes before they began to play with the lights. i knew better than to clap or get excited until i heard thunder. then it started, the horns. d.m.s.r. i love it as an opener and he came out wearing my favorite white suit. it was on.



the unique qualities of this show are numerous in comparison to the previous three:

sheila e, who i had yet to see, so when glamourous life started i had no idea what was coming next. my sister kept saying, wait for it, u know this! she was on fire.

she received a huge reception and stayed for the rest of the gig adding fire and flair.
i finally got to see these two musical soulmates on stage together.


mike phillips, who can hold a note unlike anyone i've seen. saxophones are always good. even better when in addition to the question of u/the one, which melded into u will be with me, a new song that feels like a freestyle.


janelle monae, who was brought back on stage to sing take me with u. their interplay was so cute. ur sheer perfection...thank u. also brought up to dance during cool/don't stop til u get enough, where the most adorable little girl was pulled up too. they all danced together. the girl got to sing don't stop til u get enough into prince's mic. he had the biggest smile on his face, and just completely loved it when janelle busted out a moonwalk down the main runway. unforgettable to watch. the little girl was brought up again later and sheila gave her a tambourine! can't wait til it registers to that little girl what she got a chance to do.




purple rain with the new addition of banners hanging down from the rafters. the visual was so breathtaking. no tears, but i gripped my sister's hand as we swayed and sang together. the funniest thing ever was john blackwell missing his cue and running from beneath the stage to his kit to make the beginning of the song, which was made even more hilarious by the fact the he had on a long white gown. can't buy that type of comedy.





the lights went low, and the applause never ended. it didn't take long before it began again, but it wasn't a prince song playing. not even one of the covers i have to come to expect and love [play that funky music always shuts it down]. no this was one of my top five absolutely perfect, wouldn't change a thing, songs: superstition.

my heart dropped and my sister began slapping my arm. i'm just saying oh my god over and over. we are bouncing up and down, screaming, and clapping along with everyone else. then slowly but surely the two men came from underneath the stage, joined by everyone's favorite drummer girl.


you could tell they hadn't planned what to do, but no one cared. stevie soloed on the harmonica with prince on the guitar. he did call and response with the audience with prince hyping up the crowd. he sang the first verse of superstition standing but then you could tell he wanted to do something else.


renato quickly moved out of the way and stevie played his boards. prince swapped out with ida and played the bass. the jam goes into another song i didn't know but that sounded familiar and swung back around to superstition. at this point, i'm just trying to savor it because i needed this moment to persist.

when else would i be able to see something like this? something i dreamed happened.
it actually happened and more importantly i was there. scratch that we were there.

stevie played like a beast and was escorted off by mike phillips. this time through the hydraulic lift which took awhile for some reason. prince and the band kept playing going into inglewood swinging. prince joked that stevie still wanted some more, look at him! as he finally went under the stage.


inglewood swinging became fantastic voyage which became you're the one for me. a full out party, my sister and i both floating. giggly and assured that we had at least one more encore we moved down to the seats of the unfortunate who left before stevie. he emerged again and busted a sampler set, and we just happened to be on the side of the stage with the piano. close enough to get pointed at, we sang along and danced as he grooved through his records with i would die for u having the whole audience sing and point directly at him it seemed. but of course he had to dance on the piano, which came with his next move. side to side to if i was your girlfriend. we had so much room to dance this time, just kicking it like we were alone at home with a stereo.




i had a good feeling the ballad trio was up next. i just began shaking my head when the opening notes of insatiable began as i knew my sister had yet to be graced with these. she griped about her phone being dead but was there in the moment nonetheless. those songs melt you in a way that is unreal. they slink and groove and cause pulses to rise. adore just makes you soar singing along. he didn't do the breakdown but my sister didn't even care. we sang along to the end u are with me, for all time you are with me.


he disappeared beneath the stage and we stayed right where we were. just hyped and full of adrenaline. we couldn't believe what we just saw. we were clapping and starting to get a rhythm going. a man sitting down our row was banging on his seat which inspired a man right behind us to start drumming. we caught the beat and clapping along until our whole section was grooving. i'm standing and dancing while my sister sits and keeps the tempo. we went to church with hand claps and stomping feet and back to elementary school cafeteria tables where u make beats with pencils and fists all at the same time.

finally the cameramen began to leave and the ladders descended from the speakers and we knew it was time. everyone was all smiles walking out of the arena. i felt a bit high and buzzed and sweaty and ready to conquer something. i bought my tour book and went out into the night, where the sky was once again purple. the haze is probably typical to smoggy la but it fit into my story just perfectly.

it was 1:30 in the morning when we hit the streets and knowing traffic we didn't get home til 2:30. and of course i couldn't sleep. when i started to think back on it, tears came to my eyes. i felt so abundantly thankful. due to my dear uncle p, i have seen musical legends chaka khan, sheila e, stevie wonder, maceo parker and legends in the making sharon jones and the dap kings and janelle monae. four shows, four cities, in a little over four months. it still boggles my mind.

the rest of the trip consisted of going to venice, santa monica, and hollywood, where we made a visit to amoeba records. they could have gotten all my money in there, i swear! i am collecting my prince cds and trying to do so from indie records stores as much as i can. 3121 was first from kmart. can't do everything indie as much as i want to. i bought used for you on vinyl and diamond and pearls in greensboro. i bought purple rain, dirty mind, and 1999 from schoolhouse records here in raleigh. and in la, come, rainbow children, and the lotusflow3r set. my heart almost stopped when i saw come in the store. i love that album and it was on my list of absolutely have to buy it if u see it. they had others that i didn't have but felt that they may be easier to find. but the search continues and i love it.

i left that night and had a long uncomfortable flight home but made it in one piece. plenty of memories and souvenirs to help me remember. it was so much fun and so needed. i felt ready to face my busy summer which has gotten off to a great start. its looking like its gonna be eventful but in a good way. and i cannot think of a better way to have started it than that show. my sister is going again on sunday which will be the last show in the 21 nite stand. wonder what will be in store for her but she is convinced nothing will top our friday the 13th gig [which apparently was stevie's birthday]. all i know is that i got to celebrate yet another accomplishment [got A's this semester] thanks to dear uncle p.

now i get to go back to my life and all of its interesting developments with yet another adventure under my belt. i could get used to this. i will be humming for the rest of my days. currently: the one u wanna c [ too tall to be talked down to, too over it to be put under]

yessir u are as u spoil me with each show. as always, thank you. until we meet again.

rambling:rise to the challenge

i managed to survive the trap i set for myself. i do it continually as if to challenge my talent, my endurance, my commitment. entering this previous weekend i knew i had a massive amount of work to complete and after six hours of sleep in three days, i found myself finished with my first year of graduate school. it all culminated with a cat nap on the floor of studio, apparently so gone that shakes and name calls didn't wake me. thankfully there is no evidence of this but i couldn't help to laugh when they told me. its only appropriate. my body gives out when it has finished its work.

i was proud of what i did and felt grateful that it was over. the exhibit went quite well, good impressions made all around. though i know i am not in a competition with anyone, maybe just myself, i still felt like i was winning. i felt like i was doing something that no one else was. that i was engaging and interacting on a level that others were not. that i was being noticed by my professors. it was paying off as it were. reflecting on it, i realized that i am being recognized as a force to be reckoned with. my work is of note to my professors and my classmates. my writing has been praised to me and within the realm for others to hear. i knew i was good but its nice to have it reflected back. it never gets old to me. i hope i did not sound boastful at all, just in awe of the recognition. i am used to keeping my head down and working, so this was a great end to a long semester/year.

summer is on my doorstep. first task is to continue working for my actual job! first time i am getting continually paid as a graphic designer and its for the university. its fun and my boss is awesome. after which my actual vacation happens: LA baby!!!

two very important people are there currently: my sister and best friend..... and uncle p!

i am over the moon to see her and the added bonus of experiencing one of the 21 nite stand shows with her is just purple icing. she has been to two already and has let her purple hippie out to play. going to together will just be something else. we are basically the same person, so there will be non stop dancing, singing, and overall antics for that show. may do more than one, we will see. so round 4 will be next week. i cannot wait because being there with her is gonna be the real treat, i mean i love u, uncle p but as u surely know its not just u that keeps us coming back. its that atmospheric unnameable feeling, and being with my other half will bring on a whole other type of high.

i love the image i put up there. i know my spirit has gotten me through these past few weeks. the pressure makes me rise to the occasion and i hope i never lose the ability to do so. i keep proving myself right the longer i am here. i hope everyone else finds the thing that they are meant to do, the place they are meant to be, and the things that will sustain them. with all that is going on in the world, you have to cherish and celebrate every second you have to do what u love.

it trumps everything else.

adventure: greensboro, n.c.

my adventures continued with the same end as the last one. i willed him to north carolina it seemed, and i was graced with new songs, new seats, new acquaintances both times. it seems like so long ago even though it was just this past week that he was around the corner from my house. its like time stops while you are in the arena and speeds up tremendously once you are outside again. each day barreling through until the next time you get your fix. its an adrenalized state that does dissipate after awhile but the fizzy high you feel is on call at all times. it can come back to you and put a smile on your face when all else is failing you. i've been pondering what it feels like to be the source of such energy.

its unearthly to feel and must be divine to induce.


the surprise encore in raleigh sprawled one last funky sweaty jam before i was released back into my life. the sky shone purple after the show and the cold water felt like baptismal relief. it was surreal to see walking out of the arena where i had just witnessed a version of purple rain that almost had me in tears. this experience was joining the ranks with the first.

next up was greensboro, which counts as an adventure as i rode amtrak for the first time. [verdict: lots of leg room!] for this show, i got first hand experience of his friskiness.


now i have never been attracted to him like that, i do call him my uncle, however i do enjoy watching a man seduce an arena full of women. he did so in raleigh without a shirt underneath a open black jacket for kiss, which has no photographic evidence as everyone was mesmerized. he melted the house in greensboro fully clothed with a strut. the crawling and laying down on top of the piano helped as well. the feline nature is so apparent and the sequined suit makes him seem as if he is made of light. plenty of movements, quotes, and visuals to add to my library. my mind is just aggregating as each show brings something new, something unique, something unforgettable.

like chaka & prince duetting on sweet thing, he said it best...are u kidding me?


its one long party that my mind keeps replaying while secretly seeking out new opportunities to continue the adventure. i have realized that my experiences at the shows are in a league on their own. a different experience all together with a different end than when i am listening through my headphones. my presence matters at a concert. as one of his backup singers tweeted back to me, if it wasn't for your energy it wouldn't be as funky. i'm there to be in concert with the performers on that stage, singing and dancing as much as my small allotment of space will allow. its not a personal serenade, its a party. its a celebration of life and love. its testifying to the power of music, a church we all attend. i love being in that choir. i love seeing his reactions to music that seem to mimic my own. i love seeing him loving what he does. i love hearing the reactions of those around me.

i love taking this feeling with me.

its no mistake to me that he often ends with adore, repeating for all time i am with you, you are with me. he is with me, constantly playing me through my joy and pain. it is my duty to make sure my presence is felt and worth staying with him. he is a part of so many of my memories and its gratifying to think i am part of his even if it is me and thousands of other people. that moment will persist if you are truly there to be in it. it annoys me when he has to constantly ask for feedback. its like they missed the memo. be in the moment, right here and now because this is fleeting. its so much better when you let go and only later do you realize that you were in concert with something larger than yourself. he induces, conducts, and embodies it but he is ultimately just another part. its takes all of us to make the whole.


i needed that again as january's flight of fancy seemed like a very distant memory. but i am learning to bring this feeling into my life in small ways when i can. savoring every little moment like it is dark chocolate. and as much love as i have for him, his concerts will not be the whole of my happiness, just a part. its just a super rich condensed version of all that is good that hits me with this feeling so hard that i wanna go and change the world at one o'clock in the morning on a thursday. its a hard thing to come down from to a weary reality but it does seem to help me keep my head tilted upward.

maybe that is why i always feel this abundant need to say thank you. its because he gives me hope and seeing him live reaffirms that. it keeps me lifted above what seeks to bring me down. call it spooky electric or the wicked ones but there is always some foul play at hand. and through his music, i am starting to find a better way. a way that keeps me at a level where i am peaceful in a silent room. i can smile. i can be alone and feel alive. i can be at one with something larger and find my way to myself through connecting with it.

his music has generated this space for me to live and grow as i discover who and what i am. so imagine seeing this person in the flesh, being the physical embodiment of what you love and admire. it shakes you to your core and inspires you to continue on. with that being said, i have work to accomplish and all the fuel i need to do so thanks to my dear kinfolk.


until we meet again.

rambling: talking to the moon

speak of the devil and he shall appear. well i thought of him actually. and i invited him back in. and its not a devil. never was though i casted him as one. it fit the plot, it fit how i felt at the time. but then i realized i was thankful to him. i am speaking of my ex of course. he was in my thoughts last night as i went over my old posts. i wondered how he was and decided i could handle letting him back in. i missed his friendship.

we picked back up our rhythm like no time had passed. chatting away about our lives and of course began reminiscing on our life together. not only had he intentionally helped me but i am still in his heart now. the reason why this is so hard hitting is he was not attentive or affectionate while we were together. he loved me in his way and i thought of how difficult it must have been for him to watch me become less and less like the woman he fell in love with. partly due to him. so he pushed, and pushed until i had to get him outta my system and become what he always saw me to be. and as it turns out, it needed to be without him.

he never left my heart, the love remained even though i didn't feel in love with him anymore. so to have all this care and affection barreling back at me today when i am least expecting it, when i had gotten used to being alone. actually happy being alone. it hasn't changed that but imagine being told that someone you love loves you. and not just a little but a lot and you are doing better than them. it seems that you are better off without them in your life.

it sucks.

we both feel like if its meant to be it will and til then we can be the best friend the other needs. but that knowledge is there. and also considering that we are older now, and wouldn't make the same mistakes of round one. we still have a ways to go as people and as friends, but now i have this person hovering in my subconscious rooting for me. wanting me to be the best version of myself, at his own forfeit. possibly his own detriment.

its humbling, encouraging, and consuming. he still has that affect on me. can just hijack my thoughts and the moon tonight did not help. i always compared him to the moon, which he told me makes him think of me nightly as he is always looking for it now. i know, i know the sweetness was killing and making me think, "where was this before?" but just as he orbited back into my life, the moon was closer to the earth than its been in 18 years. it shone through a halo even from behind the clouds. sitting outside on a porch swing with a warm breeze blowing, i missed him more than i had in awhile.

i do not know what this will mean. everything and nothing. it was like speaking what was already known in a way but that does not stop it from hitting you hard. maybe i can help him get to where he needs to be from afar without losing myself like i did before. i am not that girl anymore. and he does not want me to be.

see the way he looks on paper, when written out it seems like such a no brainer, but yet we can't. yeah i know. it sucks. now this song from a new found love takes on greater meaning:

rambling: shedding light

so my life did not end after new york. though it seems that way. 2011 has been a bit of whirlwind with me coming up for air now as spring has landed on my doorstep. i missed the colors, the sunlight, the warm breezes. i recently updated my sister with whats going on in an email and realized how interesting my life looks typed out. i am making moves and proving myself right at every turn. this is where i am meant to be. new music is flowing into my head while others are waiting to be taken in. another continues to dominate. my reason for my first adventure of this year aka dear uncle p is making his way to north carolina next week. i will be at two shows and taking a bit of a trip to get to one. just a two hour train ride, and it will be my first time taking amtrak. yay another first! oh and i will be seeing chaka khan....sweet thing anyone?? i am telling you now, if the chords of that song or come on get played, i will have a fit. we'll see what prince has in store for rounds 2 & 3.

i don't really have a reason to be writing right now but i just kinda felt like it. things are coming together and i like to look back at the chaos that beset this current state. i enjoy revisiting her, she was raw and unabashedly full of emotion and want. i forget her at times because i am working so hard to sate her. she lays dormant but is always there. i accept and appreciate her because i would not be here without her havoc. i had to see how far, how deep i could go because now i realize the full scope of how high i can go. getting to know me to the fullest has given me the ability to be happy with very little. i hope everyone gets to feel this simplistic type of joy. its based in this appreciation and understanding of what i love and what i am here to do. enjoy what i love, and serve my purpose. simple. but my shoulders are starting to burn a bit so i will retreat but if you are reading this and feeling a bit less that what you are, trust me it gets better.

just love your way through the darkness.

apparently for me, spring automatically means two things: horrible allergies but a better outlook on life. must be the colors & light. and since i am still traveling though my purple vortex i'll end with a lyric: "positivity, have you had your plus sign today? "

adventure: new york city, ny

i still haven't thought of how to explain this. my vocabulary is vast and every superlative i think of cannot thoroughly describe what i just experienced.

hyperbolic? nope, it was that awe inspiring. So what was it:
the man himself at madison square garden on 1/18.

i have written about my love for this man a couple of times and how badly i wanted to see him in december. well i went with my rationality and decided not to make that trip. and not a few days into my winter break did i learn that the show was cancelled. i breathed a sigh of relief and joy as i learned of a new show. i kept my eye on it but it seemed so far away. i kept my focus on my time at home which was so needed. my family rejuvenates me.

but the kid is kinda omnipresent. not only did i hear his music [without me playing it that is] but apparently one of my sisters went to one of the shows in new jersey. i had to sit through her excited rantings about the show that i had already read was ridiculously good. she bounced around telling me of songs and all the encores and i thought:

'how am i going to get to the next show?"

i knew it would make my year and when i returned to raleigh i found a cheap flight and an amazing seat and said eff it. this was going to be my adventure for the semester, shoot maybe the whole year. nothing was going to stop me from getting my experience: first trip to nyc and first time seeing my musical alpha and omega. well the weather tried as hard as it could to stop me. flight was delayed for a couple of hours with rain and ice in new york. when we exited the plane, [actually down the steps onto the runway which i have never done before] it was raining sideways. totally gray and white and cold.

welcome to new york.

but i still wasn't gonna let it stop my vibe even though my hopes of having a nice trek down museum mile were slashed, i took the shuttle to penn station. i was petrified in that car! nyc driving is not for the weak of heart but i survived. i met up with my long lost but never forgotten brother from another and had lunch. through this whirlwind it still really hadn't hit me that i was about to see him. not until i was wandering around the gates of madison square garden looking at the pictures and the sounds of lets go crazy began to permeate the air. it was like a scene from a movie. i began to follow the sounds trying to find the source, smiling the whole way, and i realized it was being pumped through the speakers. the lights were gleaming purple and his face was on the jumbotron outside.

this was real.

after meeting up with some purple people for food and laughs, i found myself in the crowd funneling into the garden. it was time. i made my way to my seat and had a moment when i realized how good my seats were. now i could go through the setlist and tell all the little details but the thing i want to capture if i can is the feeling. that transient thing that you and those around you felt. you cannot get it from pictures, not even from video.

you have to be there. and for once, i was.


it was obvious that he was in good mood and that he was going to use every last second of time he had. with one amazing opening act with sharon jones and the dap kings, the kid had time to burn. when i first saw his silhouette through the smoke, standing on top of the purple piano with his flashing light heels, i took one of those shuddering deep breaths you take when looking over the edge of a cliff. i knew i was jumping head first into an experience that was going to be unrivaled for the rest of my life. i knew that he was feeling us before the first note was played. it felt like i was in the sights of a playful cat and he began with a tease and continued to work us over for more than two hours. along with features from sharon, the dap kings and maceo parker, he put on a show.

operative word being show.

he was on form, showing us how a master works. he can make you dance, sing, scream, swoon, and hold your breath. he composed the vibe and held it in his palm for safe keeping. i felt synced with his mood as he grooved into songs that i had wished for but thought i may never hear. i screamed out 'omg!" when he began she's always in my hair. i sang every word, swayed to each rhythm and managed not to cry. laughing and smiling and struck dumb, i felt like i had been done over. an enitre relationship of seduction, interactions, and drawn out farewells. his influence is staggering. i knew about it but feeling it is unreal. listening to the conversations around me while there told his legend. an elderly woman told of how she was there with her middle aged daughters who brought their children. a middle aged man spoke of how he r&b'd and rocked and "r.kelly can't do that and neither can any rock guy." when walking out i took my time but when i finally stood still i felt myself vibrating. my legs bouncing and hands shaking. once our group met up again the look on their faces anticipated my response as they knew it was my first. i jumped up and down and shared in their joy because we knew we had just seen something special.

we were high. but my night was far from over.

we ventured to brooklyn where we knew maceo was playing and perhaps prince would show up. he didn't but i'm happy we choose to attend rather than standing outside at his exclusive afterparty growing bitter. maceo was on his game with lettuce at his back. even questlove showed up to jam for a bit. he performed night and day with ray charles sunglasses on and went out with pass the peas. i could feel the drums in my chest and my skin growing hot as the jam went on. i danced only feet from the man. i was in a musical heaven that i still don't think i have come out of or ever will. if nothing else good happens this year, i can think of this. i can remember seeing and feeling brilliance. i can remember fellowship and camaraderie with strangers. i can remember dancing and singing into the night to songs that define my life with the man that made them possible.

i don't know if i can truly demonstrate my love for this man, his music, and the experience he just gave me. i came with love as he feels like kin to me and i got it back. of all the words that fail, two will have to suffice: thank you.