rambling: feeling reflective

as of friday at 5:25 am, i've been on this planet for 24 years. now i stand at the start of a new year. my resolution has been the same since i turned 22: be in a better place by this time next year. this could mean emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, professionally, intellectually. no matter the cause i have to see progress and as 23 was a good year, i like what lays before me. i was nervous just this time a week ago, sitting in my room alone and starving. now my belly is full, heart overflowing, and recovering from a night of revelry with friends and strangers.

its amazing how quickly the tide can change.

one opportunity has changed my mood significantly: i'm going to be a teaching assistant this semester. not only a great opportunity but the pay will go towards paying off my tuition bill for the spring. getting to my brother's wedding just got easier. such a feeling of relief that i almost cried when i got that email. talking to siblings and old friends i realized how good my life is. i feel good about where my life is headed, the decisions i have made, the work i am making, and the connections that will persist. i am thankful. i am determined to work as hard to do justice by this. its all inspiration to continue moving forward.

to keep fighting.

it does not surprise me that the soundtrack to this time is incubus and 30 seconds to mars. incubus has always riled a part of me to rebel and be a joyful defiant outsider. an outlet to express my anger and disgust while also inspiring how i would aspire to be more. their sounds have been pushing me for as long as i can remember. don't be scared, you can go there, you can be that woman you dream of becoming.

their latest album title sums up how i feel: if not now when?

the newcomers to the love list have provided an anthemic soundtrack aptly named this is war. a roaring emotional record that gives me chills, makes me dance, inspires tears, awakens the fighter in me. what more could i ask for from them? the impact is swift, a clean cut shock to system. i feel awake. i feel ready to fight through another year.

i will continue on this path knowing that i went through my 23rd year living the life i've always wanted to the best of my ability and only saw things improve. i only saw me become more like myself than i have ever been. i know who she is and i like her. i will continue to nurture and care for her through what will be my last year of college life. looking back, i like what i saw in 23 and 24 is shapely up quite nicely. i will make this one count.

according to charles baudelaire's philosophy, i intend to live the life of a drunkard. i intend to be full my whole life, no matter how empty my pockets or stomach may be. my high tolerance will only serve me well in this regard. stagger or stumble, i will continually have a drink in hand.



meet: 30 seconds to mars

this is not a true meet post as i already knew of them. but only that one song. you know that one song from four or so years ago, with the amazing video. i saw it as a cool song and video, thought oh wow jared leto can really sing, and went about my business. but as of a few days ago, i have been bundled up, kidnapped, and converted.

couldn't be more happy and pissed off. happy because i needed something to counter my incubus obsession but pissed that i'm so late to the party that i missed their raleigh date.

i found them with the good old related videos effect. i actually remember how i got there. russell brand stand up videos >> russell and noel fielding stand up >> noel fielding on alan carr >> jared leto on alan carr. when i saw the video on the side, i thought why is he talking to him? when was the last time he was in a movie? then it clicked. oh yea, he has a band!

now it will suffice to say that the interview was hilarious, jared was sweet and a bit dirty, but the deal was sealed with the clip from the video closer to the edge. my jaw actually dropped and of course i proceeded to the full video from there.

loved it and immediately felt jealous of those in the crowd. then onward and onward, til i hit george lopez where jared was funny, sweet and dirty once again but it was mentioned that he directs all the videos right before they showed a clip of hurricane. and a bell went off it my head. all the criteria had been met and then some:
funny and silly, check.
older than me, check.
multitalented, check.
irreverent, check.
reminds me of other loves [chris corner's looks, powerful music and dirty vocals, prince's use of the term family for supporters, creative dictatorship, and fight against the industry, roger daltrey's range from blue eyed soulful crooning to rocked out screams, mika's energy on stage and dedicated fan base worldwide] check.
a bit dirty frisky openminded check check, and check.

i've been watching and listening ever since. their unplugged made me cry. the music is speaking to me. coming up from that horrible funk, this powerful music was waiting for me. it was so needed and put me right back where i need to be. so with that i say thank you for finding me.

obsessions overlap as they are incubus affiliated too which just makes it even better. though i have only spoken of jared, who gets mad kudos for having vegeta-hair in that picture by the way, it must be said that the other two members of the band are just as fascinating. shannon, jared's brother, drums like a beast. definitely see keith moon in him. tomo is fun to watch and apparently plays the violin and is obsessed with mastering the guitar with his feet. it amazes me that they are as old as they are. not to mention that they can take bad romance, the only gaga song that got me, and make it this:

sonically i was sold, but the aspect that makes them stand out to me is the culture that surrounds them and the strong symbology they have created. from the perspective of an observer and designer like me they are an interesting case study. their message moved me so much from that short clip from closer to the edge. their audience is broad and dedicated. it is the church of mars, as jared called it. and i love the blatant line, yes this is a cult. its been built up in such a strong thoughtful interactive way on their part that i am doubly inspired as a supporter and creative.

that's why i am writing of them now and they are added to the love list. you have to do more than make songs i like. your creative spirit has to touch mine. like i tweeted and received a reply from the guitarist tomo, which caught the eye of members of the echelon welcoming me to the family, count me amongst the converted. this is war is added to the birthday list.

btw, i feel much better. like their song says, i fell apart but got back up again.


rambling: honest thoughts at 7 am

its been one of those nights. one of those dark dank adventures into my mind that leave me exhausted as if i had just danced for an hour straight. the outcome of it always seems to be shame, a steeled determination, hope, sadness, desire. a jumbled heap of feeling that is not really sure which one is on top. i can rationalize why i go through these nights: fatigue, hunger, isolation, weakness of mind or spirit, the crashing depressive that manifests from bouts of mania, lack of sleep, impending stress, fear. all seem true. all spin out these hurtful truths about myself that i rally against. the optimist in me sets out to work within these constraints and plant my flag at top this heap like a conqueror. but she never remains there for long. things shift and i find myself climbing again. i almost think i like the fall, like it reminds that i am alive. such a masochistic thought but a true one.

i felt like a teenager again. sitting on my bed, headphones blasting out angry sounds, while i dig, pick, and scratch at my skin. tears rolling down my cheek as lyrics sound like thoughts and beats echo my actions. a full blown attack upon myself partly due to the fact that this scene is recurring. not just as a teen but an adult. its part of me, not some adolescent growing pain that will subside. its my glitch. my quirk that comes and goes but still happens. i have to acknowledge it. i never do damage to the point of breaking the skin, just enough to mark me up. to make my skin glow red and a throbbing pain seep through my tender skin. all of the previously stated emotions or situations contribute to a sense of betrayal. this sense that i am pitted against a formidable foe: myself. like my body betrays me. whether it be my twisted thoughts or dragging up old painful memories, or the sluggishness and dizziness that besets me due to my imbalances. i am continually fighting to stay in the present and pleasant but part of me cannot or does not want to live there.

part of me cannot help but see dark though there is light. there is so much light around and ahead of me but i find myself fearful and alone. its all in my feelings. feelings that belie what i know to be true. what i know i have no reason to worry about. i cannot just let it go. i cannot let myself off the hook and i am left with this unsettling individual all day. every day all the time.

i am just tired. tired of the back and forth. the up the down. the numbness i have taught myself. the need to distract from myself because if i begin to entertain her, it will only lead down dark passageways. though i know i cannot flee her, i have to be her. i am her. whether i like it or not. i have to lick the wounds i give myself and step out into a new day. i have to have faith that this will not continually haunt me. that i should be thankful i have some means of coping. be thankful that i am still here no matter how mangled i may feel.

i am still here. still fighting. i know better though i may not feel better. trust that. yes, optimist, i am talking to you. i know you will read these words later and be amazed at how they read. you will be thankful that this passed. you will be looking for answers from your past self. what i will say is this: it is okay to cry. be glad you can feel. it is okay to fall as long you proceed to crawl your way back to a walking stride. there is always light. there will be always be light because it comes from within you. follow it and the darkness of these nights will be lessons that you will outgrow and no longer need. don't mutilate or blame yourself, accept who you are and take care of her. i know it is hard [you are a handful] but it is your job to do so.

i have a knack for the overstated and overblown but my emotions flare out like flames from the sun. i like to capture and articulate them if i can. get 'em out of my head to have them staring back at me. it helps to see the damage so that you do not continue it. like i said before, you are my mirror. so i must be honest, even if what comes out is rather ugly and unpleasant.

but it is a new day.

the night has passed and i can feel my body giving out on me again. sleep beckons and with a sigh i end this note to myself. so many quotes and lyrics come to mind but i think this one will end with some from my latest love and fascination, 30 seconds to mars:

i will never forget, i will never regret, i will live my life.

sorry for starting august this way. but i bet by my birthday, i will be fine. i always bounce back.