rambling: limits

i've been quiet lately. due to current circumstance my days are filled with the constant rotation of priorities. these tend to override everything because i zone out. i am tethered to my computer at all times. even as i sleep, she sits nearby playing me into my nightly passing out. i have music as my silence and my digital realm replaces the real world. i am in my own universe where i control the music, audio, video, news, everything. the puppeteer.

in this existence, i find that food and sleep become bothersome reminders of my humanity and nothing more. i don't want to step away, i might miss something! i already feel as if i am missing so much by being stuck here in the first place, so why would i sleep? i could be designing, writing, applying to jobs, reading up and adding to my lists of adventures. there is a level of comfort here as i am allowed these indulgences. my sister warned me of becoming too comfortable, to which i replied i am never satisfied.

and even as 'when doves cry' began to play in my head, i knew that it is true. i want everything all the time, even from myself. i push it. i push myself. and i began to wonder where and why. where does this come from? and why do i do this to myself?

the where may be from my competitive nature. of wanting to know more, and be more. hubristic indeed but it keeps me on my toes because i know i will never achieve such a ridiculous goal. knowing that failure is inevitable frees me from expectation. i can seek out whatever i fancy because it is purely innocent, with the only ambition being knowledge. not to usurp someone.

secondly it comes from this idea that i think i have it within me to push out of this energy and light into the world. that is for my own sake and hopefully the betterment of others that i do so, and thereby, i will receive some back. i will be replenished by all that is being taken from me. so obviously, i take this to its natural conclusions or limits. i push harder. i give more. selfishly seeking approval and reward for my efforts. though inevitably always feeling satisfied with my efforts in the end even without outside compliment. i have learned how to give some of it back to me by working so hard that i begin not to care what others think.

the biggest critic is me. so i push myself to please her. not them. she is unrelenting and knows how to call me on my flaws & bullshit. i cannot lie or hide. thus, when i work to my physical limits i am proving somehow to her, to me that i am doing what is necessary. that i am creating something worthy of my own compliment. which tends to mean that it takes longer cuz i am nothing if i am not indecisive.

i am never done. which someone recently told me is the sign of a true artist. i understand why they are so typically frustrated. perpetually taunted and haunted by their work. flaws in the work are like hangnails that are too short to clip but just long enough to cause a bother.

i could feel my body fighting back today. she made me lay low but couldn't break my hold on the computer. i have too much to do and accomplish to not be but at least i did eat and sleep more.

i am trying to find a balance between this nervous creative energy that is created by bouncing against my boundaries and actually falling off the deep end. listening to iamx non stop is helping. he is the master of schizo artistic living. his journey typifies certain aspects of my personality as well. kindred spirits in some ways cuz i just understand what he means.

its funny when you realize you are an artist and you are not standing in overalls, covered in paint with your hair in bun, chewing the end of a fan brush, fussing over the trees in the corner of your landscape.

artist means more than that. its a state of mind. but i am itching to create again. im getting my workspace together, making sure my eyes don't fall out of my skull first, that i can become gainfully employed so i can get supplies, and obviously need a concept. a loose one at best just to get me going.

but my limits are something i like to play with because i do live in a 'why not' kind of way. right now its physical, mental, emotional, artistic all at once. being shook up everyday with the ebb and flow of emails, phone calls, networking, applications, conversations, rejections, compliments, and in the end, i am back where i started.

me and my computer. seeking out new sounds of salvation and connection. my ears burn from all the music i am pumping into my skull. its my sanity. my constant kick in the head to stay the course, to keep pushing. my soundtrack to this time is evident.

i owe chris corner a thank you note.

it will all make sense eventually. til then, he said it best: "there's an open window/ and i can go through/ to the life of others/ there's nothing i can't do...you can be happy."

night.