rambling: honest thoughts at 4 a.m.

sometimes i worry myself with how broken i can feel. i teeter on this boundary and i never really noticed how much i sway until now. i am extremist, wholly confused but seemingly refusing to be broken. i'm all contradictions, ironies, paradoxes, juxtapositions. a maze within a puzzle with an upside down question mark.

all tangled up and not knowing which is truly the right perspective even from the inside looking out.

i can't even trust my own mind to show things properly. i see what i want to see, and i assume we all do but mine seems to work against me. so bloody optimistic at times that i am broken by the most obvious fall. but yet still unwilling to become jaded.

i don't want to be like them.

the one thing that never seems to cease is that rebellion. i feel like i have been fighting against a 'them' all my life. an abstract floating feeling of opposition that takes substantial form from time to time. call it a gun, a clock, a pulse, whatever it is it keeps me alert to not becoming ordinary. to not box myself. to not be what people assume. never that. but yet i still wish to be understood and accepted.

to be connected to a group of people that know what i mean.

in these uncertain times in my life and the world at large, i am learning a lot. i am in a 'ain't got nothing to loose' phase. i have yet to get truly personal on here for my own timidity and not wanting to expose so much to the slight audience that i have but i feel as if i am warranted my honesty. i am allowed to bear my soul if i feel like it because to me that's where it all starts for someone like me.

all the people i admire, they are honest with themselves. that does not mean that there is no guilt or shame but there is the freedom of saying this is true, this is me, these are my actions and so be it.

i have come to terms with a lot of things about myself internally but have yet to write them because i know that i cannot lie when i write. what comes out of me is straight from dome to language and is something i cannot easily take back or forget.

so what do i want to explore? i was talking about my rebellion streak. i think i have been going through my life trying to buck the system i was born into. meaning my family of course. being the last in line of seven is rough. the expectations mount to the point of crushing. not to mention the endless lines of advice that pile up in your ears.

i ran from it by living in my own head and thoughts. i ran into music. i ran into writing, to drawing. but i needed a place where even they couldn't follow me. my sexuality was all mine. and if you know me well, you that i am unashamedly still pure and intact at now, 22 years old. but here's the contradiction, i've been sexually aware since i was at least 11. i cannot remember the exact age but it will suffice to say i cannot remember not having this be part of my consciousness.

it made me feel guilty at first but now it has grown into a major part of me that i tend to keep inside because it is unsettling for some to think of me in any way other than their little precious pure sister or friend. they know what sex can do to people and they want the best for me and are convinced it has yet to find me.

and i agree now after having thought i had found my match and realizing it wasn't the case. i wanted it to be and that was the problem. i let someone suck away two years of my life because i couldn't see past the smile, the big brown eyes, the voice and the way we just seemed to click unlike anything i had ever felt. i let all the bullshit go because of those feelings and though i got hurt worse than I even like to admit, i still don't regret it.

maybe this is just me protecting myself, or its me rebelling again, but i don't want to be another woman that was ruined by a man. that cannot let go and move on because of the actions of one. i refuse to let him control me anymore because he lost that right. he lost the right to have someone like me at his will and from what i can tell, its his lost, not mine. i can say that i finally gotten him out of my system as much as i think i can in this short amount of time. its been about three months now and i cannot remember what his voice sounded like. the images still flow through me like water but that is something time will surely take care of.

and what i know is that i miss feeling connected to someone more than anything. because even through his jerk tendencies, that sucker did get me. ironically, i almost hated him for it. to lose your mystery to someone you don't feel like you can fully trust is frustrating.

being with him was a consistent tug of war between us but also within myself. i think that is why i feel like he took so much from me. the material things, though it stings a bit, doesn't sting as much as all the emotional upheaval. i think our relationship was like gettin' injured as a kid. the first cut is exciting, the unfamiliarity, a bit of pain, and lots of attention to this new found wound. its catered to healed, allowed to breathe and then bandaged up all pretty for everyone to see and ogle at. then the bandage gets worn, messy and pulling it off long and slow hurts like a bitch. pulling out hairs one by one. you just gotta hold your breath til its over. well i'm breathing easy again and done picking at scabs. its all new skin.

this past year was probably the most stressful of my life thus far. being in and getting out of a relationship like that, trying to graduate from college, being broke and starving, learning of my penchant for drinking and actually being able to whenever i wanted, playing as hard as i worked, not talking to family nearly as much as i should've, being uprooted from the life i knew and brought back into the one i had run from in the first place, job searching in a horrible economy, all of a sudden friendless, family dependent, without an escape.

my rebellious streak is glowing red. i want to run. i want to uproot myself to the other side of the world and start over. to let go of the heartache from all this change and reboot.

it doesn't help that those i admire have been able to do as such, egging me on. saying yes this is possible, fight for it. you can live that life. stop living vicariously and just live.

vicarious living is an art of mine because it keeps me sane. i cannot have everything i want so i play it out in my mind. without this i would have given up long ago i think. it is the only way i don't feel caged. and its the fuel to my fire to make these things real.

i cannot be sated this way. but until then its pulling me a little to the extreme. making me a little insane with questioning of everything that i want to do, choices that are now choices. like do i want children? part of me screams no for the first time ever. i had never questioned this before. could i leave my home? definitely, but i couldn't not come back though. that would be like betrayal to me.

i want to run. i want to be unusual and unlike anything that they are used to. and if this forces me to be alone then so be it. if this forces me into awkwardness, to me, its adventure.

i am being honest with myself. and as much as i can want these things, i know you do not always get what you want. but thankfully or regretfully, i am a fighter. even if it hurts, i will fight for what i want.

[and right now, in no particular order whatsoever, i want:

berlin

london

tokyo

prague

new york

san fransisco

color

light

adventure

style

freedom

love

sensuality

decadence

history

value

language

architecture

film

food

sweetness

wine

liquor

pain

control

energy

music

electricity

thunderstorms

smoke

laughter

acknowledgment

understanding

excitement

movement]


for lack of a better word or phrasing, i want life.