rambling: fascination & forgotten doors

i reread my favorite book as a child this past weekend. the forgotten door by alexander key. it felt like holding an heirloom as i saw the childhood scratchings of my mother on the last page of the book. it was her favorite too. i once scribbled my name in there but quickly scratched it out, my handwriting seemingly out of place i guess. a pale blue stained hardback copy with no illustrations, the forgotten door tells the story of a little boy who literally falls to earth.

little jon has no concept of many things we find common and cannot understand how we complicate things that are so simple where he is from. and what really struck me was the ethical and moral tones in the text. maybe the seeds of current thoughts were sown here.

but i know why i must have loved it, simply from the dedication:
"to all those who like the starlight and wonder about other places and other people."

i become fascinated by things that are beyond me. the alien, the outsider, the outcast, the other. i relate to that feeling of otherness but i also love things that i cannot fully wrap my head around. when i reduce something into my understanding, i tend to destroy it.

i analyze and question to the point of circuity, til you are questioning the question. it all becomes pointless and you start over. so things not within this cycle hold value to me. i love music because i cannot do it. i respect those who can, same with architecture, athletes, comedians, chefs, actors, the list goes on and on.

and that is not to say that i do not look up to or respect those in my fields but i do not obsess over them. i do not turn to them for inspiration really. i am way more interested in the interelativity of these other things and what i do. seeing the connections.

is their process similar to mine?
do their minds flicker and ignite similar to mine?
are their inspirations similar to mine?

i am too immersed and self obsessed. and removed from that world to be frank. i do not design or make art to be part of that larger conversation, i do it to please myself. to sate myself. and studying it too closely ruins it for me. i begin to study their processes not my own and of course mimicry comes next. and we can't have that.

but studying another type of artist, a musician, actor, architect, scientist, whatever positively influences me and opens my mind into new possibilities. this is probably why i love mixed media. i do not see why things can't relate even if they are different. that is on the surface, beneath it, a lot of the same feelings and emotions and processes bring these things into existence.

i am fascinated by those people. by the person, not just the work. underneath that work lies a beating heart that a lot of times i can feel the pulse of because it relates to mine somehow.

there is empathy. i just understand what they mean and can relate it to my own afflictions, circumstances, experiences, and beliefs.

we are not so different and seemingly the outsiders are the ones who can see that. i am fascinated by the viewpoint of others who walk that line with me. we are all in the same circle but at different angles. looking over at someone else's paper for awhile makes the whole thing make sense sometimes.

we are always part of something even if we feel alone. it is truly amazing how untrue that can feel but i have been proven wrong every time. even individuality has a cult, a tribe, a collective.

just gotta find yours and connect however you know how.

being fascinated is the best feeling i know. its love, respect, empathy, inspiration, and conversation that can be conjured without the other even knowing about it. and that unawareness is sometimes necessary...you know the saying "never meet your heroes." but even without their personal participation, there is still a discourse because they exist and they are producing. they are inviting you in.

its a relationship that serves you selfishly as a blinking blinding reminder that you are not alone. you are not the only one who feels this or thinks that. you may be an outsider but we are out here with you. i am sure it is nice for them to know that. maybe it is symbiotic. they need us, we need them. thats a nice sentiment really.

little jon fell through a forgotten door into another world, thats how my brain feels. tons of little forgotten doors and each fascination taps into them and builds a image of what is really going on in there, which paints an image of me, the sum of many parts, which in the end is quite simple: just an outsider looking in and asking questions.