rambling: sleep & subdivision

its three a.m. i cannot sleep. its typical in how i describe myself nowadays. its just part of me. i try to make the best of it but its taking its toll.

i've been in a heightened state of irritability the past couple of days. i noticed that i feel pretty low after interviews...even if i feel it has gone well i lament the impending rejection or the stripping away of freedom. tends to feel like a lose/lose. i'm on the downside of a wave trying to flick myself back upwards. the kickback of having such energy and vibrancy for extended periods is that it wanes.

it dies down with a sigh.

i lose sight of what is in front me and regretfully, stand still. completely contradicting what gives me motivation: movement.

some of it is circumstance, some of it is my own mind [the part that doesn't like me very much]. my subdivisions pop out like blocks in a tower. mobile but not in a good way. the various sides of myself make me feel like i'm made of legos.

i have given into this concept of these parts making my whole because i believe i still know how to function. i know that even though the cynic is winning right now, the optimist is working on a plan to take her out.

both sides fight for dominance.
making it really hard to sleep.

i find distractions wherever possible, wide eyed and hopeful for a salvation that will not come which leads me to believe the truth is in the journey. there is no real goal at the end, the mucking through is the goal. this is what you do, this what you have to do.

the consistent back and forth is just to make it more interesting for you. for me. i never wanted a normal life. i never wanted typical. i have grown into all of my oddities and wear them like badges.

i do worry that i spend too much time in my head. but thankfully, this is an outlet i can maintain wherever i am. even if no one is paying attention, which often is the case with me, i can let it out.

i do feel inspired and busting with ideas but i fear they must wait. i have to be an adult in the worst sense of the word and conform.

maybe insomnia is the last frontier for me. i like the quiet. i like the darkness. i like the space. and yet i cannot give this time to creativity just yet.

the pieces are probably dangling in my face right now but i can't see them. height does not equal a better vantage point all the time.

my perspective and awareness tells me this is all self discovery. that i am in the heat of it. i told my mother recently that i know myself quite well. she believed me and i do as well now that i think about it. i can see outside of myself and see the bigger picture even while the rest of me is working away in the midst of it all.

its weird because you feel like you're narrating or scripting your life. you are not in it. i think that is why i love creating because i feel truly in sync with that moment. not thinking about it. i let go.
[music does this as well; probably why i will be deaf by thirty.]

like now. i ramble and let the words flow and all of sudden i have said something that has been meaning to come out for forever but gets trampled by all my other thoughts. my fingers can't even keep up with my brain.

but i think this tells me about my mood lately. i was in my head too much, and not creating. i should have stuck to my friday work rule. yep, interviews completely throw me off.

but its a new week, and the optimist has plans for me.
if only i could sleep.