rambling: music & meanders

when i am being self indulgent, i tend to pity myself. its easier i think. i vent in written word because i don't want to speak it into existence. but my goal is to bring light and life into the world yet my words come through harshly blunt and somewhat pitiful. but my saving grace is that i feel like there is something to be gleaned from it. even if i can't see it, someone else will.

i've been quiet again lately, namely i believe because i have been living in my other worlds of art and music. writing operates in a space for me that brings out my honesty, my confusion, my idealism, my need to find an awareness & connection. awareness of who i am and what is true to me and connecting the dots. taking all the nonsensical of my brain and laying it out for me to see it all. i have always been able to compose, to see the connections others cannot.

i have a mind that won't let me sleep and i feel like i am running in literal and mental circles. i am not complaining because i do this to myself. the low humming of creativity and curiosity keeps me a flutter. i believe i have outlets that i know work for me.

music. it saves me and it fascinates me as i have no musical talent of my own. i am always more interested in things i cannot do. it holds mystery and magic still. unlike art which now is a series of illusions and tricks and politics to me. well not entirely but its difficult when you can name the technique or can see a flaw.

i am obsessive, and i need space to let that roam and music is endless in that regard. tons for me to discover and let ooze into my skull. it invokes visuals and movement and language all at once. my artwork ebbs and flows this way. my hands move to the rhythm of the track playing and i compose to a beat. so being engulfed in this music that is pulling heart strings, waking me up, taking me to sleep, inspiring my work, humming my life. thus i have not written. the lyrics are doing that job. i am creating not typing.

if ramble i with words, i meander with images.
and just suck the life out of music.

i am addicted to it. i am in love with it. it is keeping me sane in times where i feel like i am not. it is driving me to find my universe that works for me. i can construct it. the real world beckons occasionally but i never like what it has to say.

i have been putting my head down and holding my breath. its difficult to hold on without result. without the blue ribbon. without the ridiculously large check. but the low humming tells me different. it purrs: there is light within me. i am one of those people. i will get the life i want. i must remind myself sometimes. my bad memory and rambling mind can get the best of me.