i love it when it rains. everything about it. the sound, the smell, the bluish gray of the sky. and especially when i have rainy day music to accompany it. acoustic guitars, pianos, and strings are made for days like today.
its a slow one today, one because the rain but mainly because of last night. remember what i said about limits, well the same applies to drinking. and being with people that have been drinking a decade longer than me, well you get the idea. but i did have fun.
nice to come out of seclusion for awhile.
i do think i have worked out what my next venture is going to be. oh, thats right i never told you. i have launched my work site. [www.minamade.wordpress.com]
its my portfolio but also where i will be posting all the new work i produce. i am going to try for a post a week. so if you are interested, feel free to venture over.
but i am feeling pretty good as of late, which is a weird state for me. i am not used to feeling happy. especially not consistently. this state of calm is making my skin crawl and itch. i try not to think about it though, but i know its coming.
what 'it' is, i'm not sure but its coming for sure. thankfully though, i have truly learned how to roll with the punches, but that don't mean that initial hit doesn't sting. i have just given up on trying to be prepared for it.
eff it.
i don't like doing pointless things and that is truly pointless. i'm on a mission to enjoy my life, in all its ridiculousness.
makes me think of a line from the boosh: [vince and howard sit on a deserted island] h: 'oh see, you've fallen into the trap.' v:'what, the trap of enjoying my life?'
i will adjust i think, even to happiness, because i want to be able to recognize this feeling when i am lucky enough to be in it.
like now. sitting here, eating grits, listening to music, on a rainy day.
8/30/09
8/28/09
performances: mika
i love him. so adorable. i didn't realize how many of his songs i already knew. the power of commercials. his voice is epic [he's a trained opera singer] and reminiscent of some people. listen to the lyrics, he gives one of them away. also some elton, prince, george michael. but seriously, he sounds like himself.
think of a ringmaster. thats as dynamic internally as he is externally. a half american, half lebanese refugee paris/london raised french fluent dyslexic, singer, songwriter, artist, pianist, middle child of five who seems so willing to laugh at himself and put on a glitter doused show worthy of candyland. quite simply its fun but yet there are cogs turning underneath. i like it, a living breathing walking contradiction. a beautiful ambitious artistic mess.
rambling: limits
i've been quiet lately. due to current circumstance my days are filled with the constant rotation of priorities. these tend to override everything because i zone out. i am tethered to my computer at all times. even as i sleep, she sits nearby playing me into my nightly passing out. i have music as my silence and my digital realm replaces the real world. i am in my own universe where i control the music, audio, video, news, everything. the puppeteer.
in this existence, i find that food and sleep become bothersome reminders of my humanity and nothing more. i don't want to step away, i might miss something! i already feel as if i am missing so much by being stuck here in the first place, so why would i sleep? i could be designing, writing, applying to jobs, reading up and adding to my lists of adventures. there is a level of comfort here as i am allowed these indulgences. my sister warned me of becoming too comfortable, to which i replied i am never satisfied.
and even as 'when doves cry' began to play in my head, i knew that it is true. i want everything all the time, even from myself. i push it. i push myself. and i began to wonder where and why. where does this come from? and why do i do this to myself?
the where may be from my competitive nature. of wanting to know more, and be more. hubristic indeed but it keeps me on my toes because i know i will never achieve such a ridiculous goal. knowing that failure is inevitable frees me from expectation. i can seek out whatever i fancy because it is purely innocent, with the only ambition being knowledge. not to usurp someone.
secondly it comes from this idea that i think i have it within me to push out of this energy and light into the world. that is for my own sake and hopefully the betterment of others that i do so, and thereby, i will receive some back. i will be replenished by all that is being taken from me. so obviously, i take this to its natural conclusions or limits. i push harder. i give more. selfishly seeking approval and reward for my efforts. though inevitably always feeling satisfied with my efforts in the end even without outside compliment. i have learned how to give some of it back to me by working so hard that i begin not to care what others think.
the biggest critic is me. so i push myself to please her. not them. she is unrelenting and knows how to call me on my flaws & bullshit. i cannot lie or hide. thus, when i work to my physical limits i am proving somehow to her, to me that i am doing what is necessary. that i am creating something worthy of my own compliment. which tends to mean that it takes longer cuz i am nothing if i am not indecisive.
i am never done. which someone recently told me is the sign of a true artist. i understand why they are so typically frustrated. perpetually taunted and haunted by their work. flaws in the work are like hangnails that are too short to clip but just long enough to cause a bother.
i could feel my body fighting back today. she made me lay low but couldn't break my hold on the computer. i have too much to do and accomplish to not be but at least i did eat and sleep more.
i am trying to find a balance between this nervous creative energy that is created by bouncing against my boundaries and actually falling off the deep end. listening to iamx non stop is helping. he is the master of schizo artistic living. his journey typifies certain aspects of my personality as well. kindred spirits in some ways cuz i just understand what he means.
its funny when you realize you are an artist and you are not standing in overalls, covered in paint with your hair in bun, chewing the end of a fan brush, fussing over the trees in the corner of your landscape.
artist means more than that. its a state of mind. but i am itching to create again. im getting my workspace together, making sure my eyes don't fall out of my skull first, that i can become gainfully employed so i can get supplies, and obviously need a concept. a loose one at best just to get me going.
but my limits are something i like to play with because i do live in a 'why not' kind of way. right now its physical, mental, emotional, artistic all at once. being shook up everyday with the ebb and flow of emails, phone calls, networking, applications, conversations, rejections, compliments, and in the end, i am back where i started.
me and my computer. seeking out new sounds of salvation and connection. my ears burn from all the music i am pumping into my skull. its my sanity. my constant kick in the head to stay the course, to keep pushing. my soundtrack to this time is evident.
i owe chris corner a thank you note.
it will all make sense eventually. til then, he said it best: "there's an open window/ and i can go through/ to the life of others/ there's nothing i can't do...you can be happy."
night.
in this existence, i find that food and sleep become bothersome reminders of my humanity and nothing more. i don't want to step away, i might miss something! i already feel as if i am missing so much by being stuck here in the first place, so why would i sleep? i could be designing, writing, applying to jobs, reading up and adding to my lists of adventures. there is a level of comfort here as i am allowed these indulgences. my sister warned me of becoming too comfortable, to which i replied i am never satisfied.
and even as 'when doves cry' began to play in my head, i knew that it is true. i want everything all the time, even from myself. i push it. i push myself. and i began to wonder where and why. where does this come from? and why do i do this to myself?
the where may be from my competitive nature. of wanting to know more, and be more. hubristic indeed but it keeps me on my toes because i know i will never achieve such a ridiculous goal. knowing that failure is inevitable frees me from expectation. i can seek out whatever i fancy because it is purely innocent, with the only ambition being knowledge. not to usurp someone.
secondly it comes from this idea that i think i have it within me to push out of this energy and light into the world. that is for my own sake and hopefully the betterment of others that i do so, and thereby, i will receive some back. i will be replenished by all that is being taken from me. so obviously, i take this to its natural conclusions or limits. i push harder. i give more. selfishly seeking approval and reward for my efforts. though inevitably always feeling satisfied with my efforts in the end even without outside compliment. i have learned how to give some of it back to me by working so hard that i begin not to care what others think.
the biggest critic is me. so i push myself to please her. not them. she is unrelenting and knows how to call me on my flaws & bullshit. i cannot lie or hide. thus, when i work to my physical limits i am proving somehow to her, to me that i am doing what is necessary. that i am creating something worthy of my own compliment. which tends to mean that it takes longer cuz i am nothing if i am not indecisive.
i am never done. which someone recently told me is the sign of a true artist. i understand why they are so typically frustrated. perpetually taunted and haunted by their work. flaws in the work are like hangnails that are too short to clip but just long enough to cause a bother.
i could feel my body fighting back today. she made me lay low but couldn't break my hold on the computer. i have too much to do and accomplish to not be but at least i did eat and sleep more.
i am trying to find a balance between this nervous creative energy that is created by bouncing against my boundaries and actually falling off the deep end. listening to iamx non stop is helping. he is the master of schizo artistic living. his journey typifies certain aspects of my personality as well. kindred spirits in some ways cuz i just understand what he means.
its funny when you realize you are an artist and you are not standing in overalls, covered in paint with your hair in bun, chewing the end of a fan brush, fussing over the trees in the corner of your landscape.
artist means more than that. its a state of mind. but i am itching to create again. im getting my workspace together, making sure my eyes don't fall out of my skull first, that i can become gainfully employed so i can get supplies, and obviously need a concept. a loose one at best just to get me going.
but my limits are something i like to play with because i do live in a 'why not' kind of way. right now its physical, mental, emotional, artistic all at once. being shook up everyday with the ebb and flow of emails, phone calls, networking, applications, conversations, rejections, compliments, and in the end, i am back where i started.
me and my computer. seeking out new sounds of salvation and connection. my ears burn from all the music i am pumping into my skull. its my sanity. my constant kick in the head to stay the course, to keep pushing. my soundtrack to this time is evident.
i owe chris corner a thank you note.
it will all make sense eventually. til then, he said it best: "there's an open window/ and i can go through/ to the life of others/ there's nothing i can't do...you can be happy."
night.
8/23/09
throwback: white stripes "seven nation army"
so much my aesthetic and still one of those videos i remember the first time i saw it. and the songs a fav too so that's a plus!
8/19/09
quickie: faith
so i am sitting downtown, laptop in my lap obviously, and i have been working hard all day for nothing. nothing in the sense of no monetary compensation. my volunteer work this summer has keep my design sensibilities firing but also introduced me to some really cool people. i like them, they are sweet, and they like me & my sensibility & skill. i have people coming to me for my skill instead me coming to them for their money. how cool is that! also there may be a cool development in the works that i will share more about later but if it works out...honey. lemme tell ya, i will dance a jig. i swear.
so i am thinking bout faith. we ride on it like a horse. we count on it like numbers. we live by it like law. but it is so enigmatic and untouchable but yet one of the most powerful forces driving so many lives. so many decisions. is it stupid? no.
its just the cushion we give ourselves to do what we want and/or need to do without fear. because of this invisible force field of faith we are invincible. risky behavior but shoot even breathing these days can get you killed.
faith is something that i think can be abused much like anything in the world but when used with respect & purity of heart, mind, and conscience then believe me you won't regret it, come what may.
so i am thinking bout faith. we ride on it like a horse. we count on it like numbers. we live by it like law. but it is so enigmatic and untouchable but yet one of the most powerful forces driving so many lives. so many decisions. is it stupid? no.
its just the cushion we give ourselves to do what we want and/or need to do without fear. because of this invisible force field of faith we are invincible. risky behavior but shoot even breathing these days can get you killed.
faith is something that i think can be abused much like anything in the world but when used with respect & purity of heart, mind, and conscience then believe me you won't regret it, come what may.
8/12/09
8/8/09
rambling: honest thoughts at 4 a.m.
sometimes i worry myself with how broken i can feel. i teeter on this boundary and i never really noticed how much i sway until now. i am extremist, wholly confused but seemingly refusing to be broken. i'm all contradictions, ironies, paradoxes, juxtapositions. a maze within a puzzle with an upside down question mark.
all tangled up and not knowing which is truly the right perspective even from the inside looking out.
i can't even trust my own mind to show things properly. i see what i want to see, and i assume we all do but mine seems to work against me. so bloody optimistic at times that i am broken by the most obvious fall. but yet still unwilling to become jaded.
i don't want to be like them.
the one thing that never seems to cease is that rebellion. i feel like i have been fighting against a 'them' all my life. an abstract floating feeling of opposition that takes substantial form from time to time. call it a gun, a clock, a pulse, whatever it is it keeps me alert to not becoming ordinary. to not box myself. to not be what people assume. never that. but yet i still wish to be understood and accepted.
to be connected to a group of people that know what i mean.
in these uncertain times in my life and the world at large, i am learning a lot. i am in a 'ain't got nothing to loose' phase. i have yet to get truly personal on here for my own timidity and not wanting to expose so much to the slight audience that i have but i feel as if i am warranted my honesty. i am allowed to bear my soul if i feel like it because to me that's where it all starts for someone like me.
all the people i admire, they are honest with themselves. that does not mean that there is no guilt or shame but there is the freedom of saying this is true, this is me, these are my actions and so be it.
i have come to terms with a lot of things about myself internally but have yet to write them because i know that i cannot lie when i write. what comes out of me is straight from dome to language and is something i cannot easily take back or forget.
so what do i want to explore? i was talking about my rebellion streak. i think i have been going through my life trying to buck the system i was born into. meaning my family of course. being the last in line of seven is rough. the expectations mount to the point of crushing. not to mention the endless lines of advice that pile up in your ears.
i ran from it by living in my own head and thoughts. i ran into music. i ran into writing, to drawing. but i needed a place where even they couldn't follow me. my sexuality was all mine. and if you know me well, you that i am unashamedly still pure and intact at now, 22 years old. but here's the contradiction, i've been sexually aware since i was at least 11. i cannot remember the exact age but it will suffice to say i cannot remember not having this be part of my consciousness.
it made me feel guilty at first but now it has grown into a major part of me that i tend to keep inside because it is unsettling for some to think of me in any way other than their little precious pure sister or friend. they know what sex can do to people and they want the best for me and are convinced it has yet to find me.
and i agree now after having thought i had found my match and realizing it wasn't the case. i wanted it to be and that was the problem. i let someone suck away two years of my life because i couldn't see past the smile, the big brown eyes, the voice and the way we just seemed to click unlike anything i had ever felt. i let all the bullshit go because of those feelings and though i got hurt worse than I even like to admit, i still don't regret it.
maybe this is just me protecting myself, or its me rebelling again, but i don't want to be another woman that was ruined by a man. that cannot let go and move on because of the actions of one. i refuse to let him control me anymore because he lost that right. he lost the right to have someone like me at his will and from what i can tell, its his lost, not mine. i can say that i finally gotten him out of my system as much as i think i can in this short amount of time. its been about three months now and i cannot remember what his voice sounded like. the images still flow through me like water but that is something time will surely take care of.
and what i know is that i miss feeling connected to someone more than anything. because even through his jerk tendencies, that sucker did get me. ironically, i almost hated him for it. to lose your mystery to someone you don't feel like you can fully trust is frustrating.
being with him was a consistent tug of war between us but also within myself. i think that is why i feel like he took so much from me. the material things, though it stings a bit, doesn't sting as much as all the emotional upheaval. i think our relationship was like gettin' injured as a kid. the first cut is exciting, the unfamiliarity, a bit of pain, and lots of attention to this new found wound. its catered to healed, allowed to breathe and then bandaged up all pretty for everyone to see and ogle at. then the bandage gets worn, messy and pulling it off long and slow hurts like a bitch. pulling out hairs one by one. you just gotta hold your breath til its over. well i'm breathing easy again and done picking at scabs. its all new skin.
this past year was probably the most stressful of my life thus far. being in and getting out of a relationship like that, trying to graduate from college, being broke and starving, learning of my penchant for drinking and actually being able to whenever i wanted, playing as hard as i worked, not talking to family nearly as much as i should've, being uprooted from the life i knew and brought back into the one i had run from in the first place, job searching in a horrible economy, all of a sudden friendless, family dependent, without an escape.
my rebellious streak is glowing red. i want to run. i want to uproot myself to the other side of the world and start over. to let go of the heartache from all this change and reboot.
it doesn't help that those i admire have been able to do as such, egging me on. saying yes this is possible, fight for it. you can live that life. stop living vicariously and just live.
vicarious living is an art of mine because it keeps me sane. i cannot have everything i want so i play it out in my mind. without this i would have given up long ago i think. it is the only way i don't feel caged. and its the fuel to my fire to make these things real.
i cannot be sated this way. but until then its pulling me a little to the extreme. making me a little insane with questioning of everything that i want to do, choices that are now choices. like do i want children? part of me screams no for the first time ever. i had never questioned this before. could i leave my home? definitely, but i couldn't not come back though. that would be like betrayal to me.
i want to run. i want to be unusual and unlike anything that they are used to. and if this forces me to be alone then so be it. if this forces me into awkwardness, to me, its adventure.
i am being honest with myself. and as much as i can want these things, i know you do not always get what you want. but thankfully or regretfully, i am a fighter. even if it hurts, i will fight for what i want.
[and right now, in no particular order whatsoever, i want:
berlin
london
tokyo
prague
new york
san fransisco
color
light
adventure
style
freedom
love
sensuality
decadence
history
value
language
architecture
film
food
sweetness
wine
liquor
pain
control
energy
music
electricity
thunderstorms
smoke
laughter
acknowledgment
understanding
excitement
movement]
for lack of a better word or phrasing, i want life.
8/6/09
admiration: hatch in san fransisco
their work is amazing and its in one of my dream cities. check them out at hatchsf.com and this to me is absolute brilliance...
their 'hatchling' jaqk cellars.
it is so well designed and clever i can't take it!
8/5/09
rambling: manifesto talk
there is too much stuff in the world.
so where does that position a person, like me, whose want is to be an artist who by definition must create. thereby adding to all that stuff. these times as they stand right now call for ingenuity and creative thought. we need our artists. we need our creative minds. but as one of those oh so needed people, i find myself in an awkward position.
i don't want to add to the bullshit, the chaos, the darkness, the trends. i want timelessness. but can that be achieved in a world of entitlement and instant upgrades?
we want everything and we want it now. i prefer the simpler times when artists could take their time. but working and living now is changing my views on why i create. i want to take something that already exists and make it better, make it new, make it art.
energy is never destroyed, only transferred.
i seek to open people's mind to possibilities. i believe in the why not and in the surprise of holding something so dear that came from the most unlikely of sources. i want value in a transient world but also want that transience to allow my work to spread.
pieces of light, goodness, altruism, of escape. i want that for my work, in whatever form it make take.
there is too much stuff in the world. so if i'm going to add to it, i need to be able to back up my reasons.
so where does that position a person, like me, whose want is to be an artist who by definition must create. thereby adding to all that stuff. these times as they stand right now call for ingenuity and creative thought. we need our artists. we need our creative minds. but as one of those oh so needed people, i find myself in an awkward position.
i don't want to add to the bullshit, the chaos, the darkness, the trends. i want timelessness. but can that be achieved in a world of entitlement and instant upgrades?
we want everything and we want it now. i prefer the simpler times when artists could take their time. but working and living now is changing my views on why i create. i want to take something that already exists and make it better, make it new, make it art.
energy is never destroyed, only transferred.
i seek to open people's mind to possibilities. i believe in the why not and in the surprise of holding something so dear that came from the most unlikely of sources. i want value in a transient world but also want that transience to allow my work to spread.
pieces of light, goodness, altruism, of escape. i want that for my work, in whatever form it make take.
there is too much stuff in the world. so if i'm going to add to it, i need to be able to back up my reasons.
8/4/09
8/2/09
admittance: i miss st. louis
i always remembered the statement my brother made to me about this city, it made him a man, he grew up there. i figured i would have a similar experience because that is what college is all about. yeah, get the degree and all that but you really might wanna know who you are by the time you finish...so yeah good luck!
i didn't know how it was gonna happen. if it was going to be one big event or smaller ones strewn together but i could feel it as every time i came home i felt more like myself, with myself. standing on my own feet not on the backs of my siblings. i was living for me, being wholly selfish. well not wholly but pretty much and it was nice.
so now that i am looking back on college with the rose colored foggy haze of retrospective this is what i see: some friends gained for life, a stitched up heart, countless stories, lines of empty liquor bottles, wasteful decadence, fearless almost stubborn independence being fought for in all the most hilarious sometimes dangerous ways.
and st. louis was the backdrop to all of this change.
it will always be the place where i met some of the best people i have ever met, where i fell head over heels in love for the first time, where i had my heart broken and bruised, where i became an insomniac car-less careless impatient pedestrian who would walk miles rather than wait, where i would cry to relieve the stress, where i drank til i couldn't feel it anymore, where i could get lost in my music and my thoughts, where salvation was one door knock away.
i became the best and worst versions of myself there and i do not regret my journey to either side. my addictive personality and rampant curiosity would take me there naturally but st. louis gave me the environment i needed to finally flourish. to give in to all, well the majority, of my impulses and not feel ashamed. i finally had people that wouldn't look at me oddly for it...even if they didn't understand, they got it. my surrogate family, who shifted and changed over the four years, nestled me without touch with the belief that they would never expect me to be more or less than what i already was. i was already their sister, point blank.
do you know how freeing that is? that is the keys to the castle, that's giving curious george the keys to the city. i already had a family that would love me regardless but they already had the presumption of knowing who i was and what i was going to do, you know since they knew me from birth. but this family knew me from my eighteen year old realization of who i was. there was some discrepancy for sure but the essence was pure.
i was free to explore, to do damage, to push myself to highest and i do mean highest places as well as the lowest. it was scary in there some times. prime example, i remember vividly bursting into tears while trying to write an email, after receiving some good news, and had my then beau look completely astonished and worried at me. through all his questions, i still didn't really have an answer from where all this was coming from. it was like my body and my mind had subdivided so they could operate separately. odd situations like this would happen, frequently the more stressed i got. with all this subdivision popping up, the people who knew me best worried and i just tried to focus. i did have a degree to get after all.
so now, i feel like it was all worth it. i want to know everything about myself because it is the only thing in this world i can ever know completely. so i set my curiosity on myself, consistently pushing what i think i can and will do. what i'm capable of, what my real boundaries are and what ones had i adopted.
but this is difficult to maintain in the present. adulthood beckons in the most traditional sense and i have things i must do. and there must be a balance. there has to be a middle ground between wanting to be a housewife and a gypsy. because both are true to me. i am thinking i will live both lives before i die or at least that is the goal because i do get bored easily and what i figure is this: i always want to have that retrospect, no matter how hazy or foggy. i want to remember being fearless, i want to remember living and loving without regret no matter how much it hurt, i want to remember living for my instincts and impulses.
i want to remember that i lived not existed.
and right now, i can. all because of st. louis...but that was a chapter.
photo: all my favorites
my favorite colors, use of texture, beautifully composed and well lit. ah, i wanna art direct.
small things: sunlight
[i could work here forever, some stylistic changes obviously]
i don't know if its because im a child of the bright sunny summers of the south or if it because i'm a leo but sunlight effects more than just what shade of brown my skin is on a particular day. i realized this up at school in the schizo weather of st. louis. the dark dank days there made me crave southern light, made me fantasize of the mythic light of florence and greece. i had to suffice with light colored sweaters, scarfs, and accessories to bring the color back into my world.
they really do effect your mood, you know? colors that is.
there is actual proof!
but i digress. sunlight. the beginning of all this color, and everything is making me happy these days. if the sun comes out, oh that makes the day. without fail. people truly underestimate that i think. try it out, just sit outside or even in a light filled room, breathe deep and smile. its like being saved, if i knew what that felt like i would suppose it is similar. its something about the mix of the abstract and tactile. you feel the light but can't touch it. it just surrounds you effortlessly. like a maternal hug.
can i read too much in to something? yes, but what fun is writing down all these musings if you aren't truly decadent, indulgent, and completely full of it! i like this version of myself, she doesn't hold back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)