lesson: facts, fears & of course, music

so what have i learned in the past seven days:

1. alexander key wrote "escape to witch mountain."

2. bobby cox is retiring as atlanta braves manager next year.

3. teaching english overseas is couple of hundred dollars away.

4. ted.com helps me relive college with great lectures and talks.

5. i use musical interests to read people.

6. i trust people i don't know more than people i know because i hold them to a higher standard but inevitably i don't really care for trust at all. i believe too much in the concept "to err is human" to ever expect anything. i still care, but i am never surprised.

7. i'm too rational to ever be a true addict, despite my nature and inclinations. no, this is what it really is. addict is too finite. its a label and i don't like labels. i may fall but i won't make it a habit.

8. james franco is a painter as well.
[i knew i forgot someone for my list. him and jonathan rhys meyers]

9. i fear being a speaker and not a doer.

10. i like the noisettes new album, and them in general really. her voice is unique but reminiscent at times of the following: janelle monae, amy winehouse, solange, & chrisette michelle. i know, a very nice discovery...obviously from london! press play.

rambling: fascination & forgotten doors

i reread my favorite book as a child this past weekend. the forgotten door by alexander key. it felt like holding an heirloom as i saw the childhood scratchings of my mother on the last page of the book. it was her favorite too. i once scribbled my name in there but quickly scratched it out, my handwriting seemingly out of place i guess. a pale blue stained hardback copy with no illustrations, the forgotten door tells the story of a little boy who literally falls to earth.

little jon has no concept of many things we find common and cannot understand how we complicate things that are so simple where he is from. and what really struck me was the ethical and moral tones in the text. maybe the seeds of current thoughts were sown here.

but i know why i must have loved it, simply from the dedication:
"to all those who like the starlight and wonder about other places and other people."

i become fascinated by things that are beyond me. the alien, the outsider, the outcast, the other. i relate to that feeling of otherness but i also love things that i cannot fully wrap my head around. when i reduce something into my understanding, i tend to destroy it.

i analyze and question to the point of circuity, til you are questioning the question. it all becomes pointless and you start over. so things not within this cycle hold value to me. i love music because i cannot do it. i respect those who can, same with architecture, athletes, comedians, chefs, actors, the list goes on and on.

and that is not to say that i do not look up to or respect those in my fields but i do not obsess over them. i do not turn to them for inspiration really. i am way more interested in the interelativity of these other things and what i do. seeing the connections.

is their process similar to mine?
do their minds flicker and ignite similar to mine?
are their inspirations similar to mine?

i am too immersed and self obsessed. and removed from that world to be frank. i do not design or make art to be part of that larger conversation, i do it to please myself. to sate myself. and studying it too closely ruins it for me. i begin to study their processes not my own and of course mimicry comes next. and we can't have that.

but studying another type of artist, a musician, actor, architect, scientist, whatever positively influences me and opens my mind into new possibilities. this is probably why i love mixed media. i do not see why things can't relate even if they are different. that is on the surface, beneath it, a lot of the same feelings and emotions and processes bring these things into existence.

i am fascinated by those people. by the person, not just the work. underneath that work lies a beating heart that a lot of times i can feel the pulse of because it relates to mine somehow.

there is empathy. i just understand what they mean and can relate it to my own afflictions, circumstances, experiences, and beliefs.

we are not so different and seemingly the outsiders are the ones who can see that. i am fascinated by the viewpoint of others who walk that line with me. we are all in the same circle but at different angles. looking over at someone else's paper for awhile makes the whole thing make sense sometimes.

we are always part of something even if we feel alone. it is truly amazing how untrue that can feel but i have been proven wrong every time. even individuality has a cult, a tribe, a collective.

just gotta find yours and connect however you know how.

being fascinated is the best feeling i know. its love, respect, empathy, inspiration, and conversation that can be conjured without the other even knowing about it. and that unawareness is sometimes necessary...you know the saying "never meet your heroes." but even without their personal participation, there is still a discourse because they exist and they are producing. they are inviting you in.

its a relationship that serves you selfishly as a blinking blinding reminder that you are not alone. you are not the only one who feels this or thinks that. you may be an outsider but we are out here with you. i am sure it is nice for them to know that. maybe it is symbiotic. they need us, we need them. thats a nice sentiment really.

little jon fell through a forgotten door into another world, thats how my brain feels. tons of little forgotten doors and each fascination taps into them and builds a image of what is really going on in there, which paints an image of me, the sum of many parts, which in the end is quite simple: just an outsider looking in and asking questions.

idea: escape & discovery

last night was good. i created something new. a new commission for a friend of mine and it felt nice to feel how i used to. bouncing around in my seat, composing to a beat. performing for no one.

i have learned something about myself. i am an escapist.

in the sense that everything i truly love doing is an escape from my own mind. i feel trapped in there sometimes, so when i am focused like a white line of blinding light, i am at ease. my obsessiveness barreling through every piece of freedom i can find.

this does not sadden me.

i am thankful i know this. and also that i am interested in so many odd and cultural things that my curiosity assures that i will never become boring. i am actively making myself a better version of myself by following my instincts, interests, whimsies as they run wild.

leaving my mind wide open.

i am also thankful that there is so much information in the world that i can never run out of music, movies, interviews, blogs, articles, photos, art, architecture, history, characters....there is just too much. if i do grow weary, its my own laziness or depressive side taking over momentarily.

i think i may start a new part of phd based on this idea. what i learned or discovered today? because i do learn something new everyday and have a horrible memory because there is constantly new information pushing the old stuff out.

escaping is just discovery.

every time, i set across a new terrain with my mental adventures. until i can have my physical ones, my to do list grows long.

i wish i could see my brain activity. it must be off the charts.

quote: couldn't have said it better myself

performance: "bittersweet symphony"

youtube disabled embedding on the original video because its gotten over 14 million views, but this performance is great with coldplay to back richard ashcroft at live 8.

i want to go to a festival.

design: canvas by kyle cherry

it is a stunning laptop concept design for creatives specifically. with touchscreen, joystick, and stylish exterior to say the least. all i could think was: i would break that in two seconds.

for more pics: kylecherry.com

rambling: sleep & subdivision

its three a.m. i cannot sleep. its typical in how i describe myself nowadays. its just part of me. i try to make the best of it but its taking its toll.

i've been in a heightened state of irritability the past couple of days. i noticed that i feel pretty low after interviews...even if i feel it has gone well i lament the impending rejection or the stripping away of freedom. tends to feel like a lose/lose. i'm on the downside of a wave trying to flick myself back upwards. the kickback of having such energy and vibrancy for extended periods is that it wanes.

it dies down with a sigh.

i lose sight of what is in front me and regretfully, stand still. completely contradicting what gives me motivation: movement.

some of it is circumstance, some of it is my own mind [the part that doesn't like me very much]. my subdivisions pop out like blocks in a tower. mobile but not in a good way. the various sides of myself make me feel like i'm made of legos.

i have given into this concept of these parts making my whole because i believe i still know how to function. i know that even though the cynic is winning right now, the optimist is working on a plan to take her out.

both sides fight for dominance.
making it really hard to sleep.

i find distractions wherever possible, wide eyed and hopeful for a salvation that will not come which leads me to believe the truth is in the journey. there is no real goal at the end, the mucking through is the goal. this is what you do, this what you have to do.

the consistent back and forth is just to make it more interesting for you. for me. i never wanted a normal life. i never wanted typical. i have grown into all of my oddities and wear them like badges.

i do worry that i spend too much time in my head. but thankfully, this is an outlet i can maintain wherever i am. even if no one is paying attention, which often is the case with me, i can let it out.

i do feel inspired and busting with ideas but i fear they must wait. i have to be an adult in the worst sense of the word and conform.

maybe insomnia is the last frontier for me. i like the quiet. i like the darkness. i like the space. and yet i cannot give this time to creativity just yet.

the pieces are probably dangling in my face right now but i can't see them. height does not equal a better vantage point all the time.

my perspective and awareness tells me this is all self discovery. that i am in the heat of it. i told my mother recently that i know myself quite well. she believed me and i do as well now that i think about it. i can see outside of myself and see the bigger picture even while the rest of me is working away in the midst of it all.

its weird because you feel like you're narrating or scripting your life. you are not in it. i think that is why i love creating because i feel truly in sync with that moment. not thinking about it. i let go.
[music does this as well; probably why i will be deaf by thirty.]

like now. i ramble and let the words flow and all of sudden i have said something that has been meaning to come out for forever but gets trampled by all my other thoughts. my fingers can't even keep up with my brain.

but i think this tells me about my mood lately. i was in my head too much, and not creating. i should have stuck to my friday work rule. yep, interviews completely throw me off.

but its a new week, and the optimist has plans for me.
if only i could sleep.

photo: composing with paint

paint should be a three dimensional force. the technique is flawless.

image by ian crawford see more here.

rambling: music & meanders

when i am being self indulgent, i tend to pity myself. its easier i think. i vent in written word because i don't want to speak it into existence. but my goal is to bring light and life into the world yet my words come through harshly blunt and somewhat pitiful. but my saving grace is that i feel like there is something to be gleaned from it. even if i can't see it, someone else will.

i've been quiet again lately, namely i believe because i have been living in my other worlds of art and music. writing operates in a space for me that brings out my honesty, my confusion, my idealism, my need to find an awareness & connection. awareness of who i am and what is true to me and connecting the dots. taking all the nonsensical of my brain and laying it out for me to see it all. i have always been able to compose, to see the connections others cannot.

i have a mind that won't let me sleep and i feel like i am running in literal and mental circles. i am not complaining because i do this to myself. the low humming of creativity and curiosity keeps me a flutter. i believe i have outlets that i know work for me.

music. it saves me and it fascinates me as i have no musical talent of my own. i am always more interested in things i cannot do. it holds mystery and magic still. unlike art which now is a series of illusions and tricks and politics to me. well not entirely but its difficult when you can name the technique or can see a flaw.

i am obsessive, and i need space to let that roam and music is endless in that regard. tons for me to discover and let ooze into my skull. it invokes visuals and movement and language all at once. my artwork ebbs and flows this way. my hands move to the rhythm of the track playing and i compose to a beat. so being engulfed in this music that is pulling heart strings, waking me up, taking me to sleep, inspiring my work, humming my life. thus i have not written. the lyrics are doing that job. i am creating not typing.

if ramble i with words, i meander with images.
and just suck the life out of music.

i am addicted to it. i am in love with it. it is keeping me sane in times where i feel like i am not. it is driving me to find my universe that works for me. i can construct it. the real world beckons occasionally but i never like what it has to say.

i have been putting my head down and holding my breath. its difficult to hold on without result. without the blue ribbon. without the ridiculously large check. but the low humming tells me different. it purrs: there is light within me. i am one of those people. i will get the life i want. i must remind myself sometimes. my bad memory and rambling mind can get the best of me.

video: the kills 'last day of magic'

i have a thing for this, i can't put my finger on it. press play.

idea: re-up

so i love my lil baby here, phd, so i am thinking of some changes. a re-up to give her the due she is credited. but also making it a bit more interesting.

i don't like to repeat myself. i like to say it right and once.

though it does seem that a lot of my posts seem to land upon similar thoughts, but varying angles. this is all just the inner workings of my brain trying to make everything make some sort of sense. i can see the connections once its all laid out in front of me. which means, this thing is going to be made up of more smaller parts. similar to what is like now with the variety of post categories but more fun to play with.

i am unbelievably random and curious and excitable and obsessive and completely out of my mind but i think a touch of my craziness would be beneficial to you. if nothing else, it will make me feel better to get all of this out of my head. i have a constant streams of music, melodies, quotes, references, facts, comedy, inflections, dialogues, memories, analysis, images bouncing around, melding together, trying to connect the dots of why they have left an imprint on me.

maybe this is why i forget things. but i digress...

to put it succinctly, expect to see some changes round here.
that is if you are watching.