two cents: know thyself

so it seems pretty clear to me that we live in a rather self-centered culture. we have i-everything and all types of personalization features at our fingertips and ironically it seems that so many still have no idea who they actually are. these identity based decisions seem to be filler. substitutes for true personal identification. we allow our purchases to speak for who we are, which isn't that bad of thing if you can actually speak for yourself too. if you got robbed tomorrow, would you still know who you are?

so why do i think its filler? well i think we take in so much from external sources and allow that to tell us who we are. we take cues from culture or those who we hold near and dear to tell us what we should be doing or feeling. you must go to college or you are ignorant. you must be married with two kids and dog and picket fence or you have failed as an adult. you must drive this car or listen to this music or behave this way to be a part of the group. you see these people bolstered by their decisions to be either a part or apart from these groups as their identities. you take these things away, and you are left with more questions than answers in front of a mirror. most of us don't like that. being left to one's own devices leaves most people uneasy i think because they haven't spent much time figuring that person out and who likes to be stuck alone with a stranger.

i spend a considerable amount of time alone and i am thankful for it. i know myself better than anyone and thus, i know when i get a real connection. i know when someone is on the level with the real me or the idea of me. there will always be layers of you, that is necessary and knowing what to share with who is self-survival number 1. but you have to know that core. that person that you are when no one is looking. when its just you having a talk with your cosmic companion [got that phrase from mlk]. knowing your deepest wants and desires and needs and not being ashamed. the person who laughs out loud at random things most people miss. the person who sings and dances when no one is around. the person with the internal glitches and quirks that you hide.

that person is you. for better or worse. you can always improve, grow and mature if you are not rainbows and sunshine and who of us is? but that change requires effort. that requires activity and in a culture where all you have to do is color coordinate your accessories to show you have a personality & identity, who would bother with all that work? false activity or pure passivity continues until people get to be middle aged and think "how did i get here?" [cue talking heads once in a lifetime]

why not try to figure you out right now? only you can do this. and mind you, you are stuck with this person for life. imagine being hijacked or followed by a stranger for all those years.

go 'head and marinate on that for a minute. peace and be wild.

adventure: washington d.c.

my exhaustion after the past 24 hours is staggering but i cannot sit still. my fingers have been aching to type out exactly what i just experienced. i felt myself buzzing with energy so much that i could not sleep last night until about 4 am.

i thought about why i wanted so badly to go to the rally to restore sanity and/or fear. i watch the daily show and colbert report like clockwork. i sigh in relief as they mirror back to me my sensibility and make me see things i would have never noticed otherwise. i feel a part of this knowing community that just gets it as they do. but i am in my room, headphones on, laughing aloud with no one. this event was the first time i actually wanted to be part of a group, i actually wanted to be counted. i fit into the category he described and i knew that i would be there if i could. i knew that i would not want to miss whatever was going to happen. but the draw was wanting to be amongst the invisible like-minded masses i knew i was a part of.

with that being said, right from the beginning i was struck by the older crowd that rode the bus with me to dc. i was pleasantly surprised to find myself in this company of middle aged to elderly people that found the same things funny and important that i did. the crowd was a total mixture of people. humor crosses barriers like music.

after a long and uncomfortable ride [despite me having the only empty seat on the bus next to me, three feet of legs cannot be bent any which a way], i found myself alone, but not really in union station. As we approached I could see the droves all headed in one direction. I could feel the pull of humanity converging in one spot. Everyone sipping their coffees and wearing their fleeces in the chilly morning air. It seemed normal and extraordinary at the same time.

i began walking out from union station, eager to find my way, just following the crowd. overhearing the sparse conversations, i zoned out just anticipating the sight of the national mall. i wanted it to hit me what was happening and what i was a part of. i took pictures as i went and got noticed by a group of elderly white women from south carolina who told me i could hang with them. they noticed that i was alone and were absolute sweethearts, decked out in blue, visors, and buttons.

after passing by the capitol, i could see the washington monument and knew that we were there. the media barricade let me know i had arrived but also made me sigh a bit. especially the fox news truck. and i think everyone had that same response to seeing them there. but just as quickly as i may have sighed, i gaped at the huge crowd. i felt disoriented of not knowing where to go, but also by how many people were already there.

i felt myself scurrying to find my space, take pictures, and take it all in. music was playing, tea towels being handed out, costumes to notice, signs to read, and a bathroom to find. i was just kinda giddy and found myself smiling. i kept thinking of my sister who i knew would have been there if she could, and her telling me, i just hope people show. i just hope that its big. well, people showed. there were people for as far as i could see. it felt like being in the middle of living organism and for the first time ever, i was in a crowd and not nervous. not worried about someone swiping my bag or doing something nasty. people may be dressed up, being silly, and ridiculous, but there was not a hint of indecency.

i caught as many of the funny signs that i could and eventually found myself kind of positioned where i was going to be whether i wanted to be there or not. i could see a screen or three so i was happy. the screens played various videos from the build up to the rally, which created a different experience for me. watching clips in a huge crowd and laughing together was heartwarming.

once the show began it was an odd situation. i was excited to see the roots and john legend but i was also not around the most hype crowd. they also seemed to play some rather somber tracks, that along with some other guests, that numbed me a bit. i enjoyed them obviously but they did not elevate me the way the whole train sequence of songs did. i was so pleasantly shocked and surprised with each of those guests. being in the crowd was more of an experience than the content of the show itself. it spoke to what we already knew, and agreed upon with our presence. just as i began to get restless with my legs burning, jon began his closing remarks. he put the bow on it that i wanted and needed. he did what he always does for me by explaining it better than i ever could.

and i believe he it said it perfectly. the feeling of being there was that of civility, decency, and playfulness. there was a good sense of this being the group of people that i belonged to. and as someone who has never felt particularly patriotic her whole life, it was refreshing to see the america i belong to. i have always kind of felt proud to be an american in the sense that i would not want to be anything else, but there was nothing about us that made me uniquely happy.

but in these recent years of change and turmoil, basically the past decade, has shown us at our best and worst. i do believe more and more people are fighting for the better angels of our nature because the ground beneath our feet keeps shifting. its makes you realize even more what you have to value in order to survive. we will never be homogenized because we were not engineered to be so and what makes us amazing is how we function within our differences. how when we do converge great things happen, even if it is quietly. we do not have to scream about it, we just do it.

that is something i can be a part of. the unity of decency. our ability to co-exist and work together and to see how much that is hindered with falsity and corruption is sad. it is different when it is the rest of the world talking bad behind your back, its another thing when its you talking bad into the mirror. it was refreshing to feel that the people are aware and tired of being lied about and to. as difficult as things may be, we have not perished and if anything, we have had our egos checked. the common humanity of wanting to push forward together was felt and i think that is more our focus than what they would have you believe. having to dig through their white noise makes it difficult. it makes you question whether or not that is the point, but that gathering and the satellite rallies around the country and world [apparently up to 84 countries] told me that we are not wrong. that i was and will continue to be a part of community that will not pandered to. as jon said, seeing everyone restored his sanity and empowered my own. sometimes you just need to know that its not just you laughing alone to yourself. that someone else sees what you see.

though it seems to have baffled the talking heads, i know what i felt and experienced. i get to say i was amongst the counted of people who are rarely seen or heard at an event that will be referenced again and again. will there be some massive change? who knows. maybe just maybe we will get our news back, instead of people trying to be entertaining. but i think the simple fact that the rally occurred proves that change that is happening all around us and this was just a chance to be seen. to prove that it is legitimate and real. i'll never forget it. i find myself inspired to continue on this trajectory of just trying to be the best person i can be and push to be a force of good. design is in bed with the very thing we were rallying against. we study these manipulations. i made a conscious decision not to be a part of it and becoming an ethical designer and educator. its the small but important conflict that i choose to face. i think if more people figure out what their role is, because trust me you have one, we will be better off. if everyone stepped up their awareness and realized you do not have to be force fed anything.

funnily enough i cannot wait until the daily show and colbert report comes back on to comment on their own event and the coverage of it. but if there was anything else left to say, thank you to these gentlemen, their staff, and all the people who came out. the experience was truly made by you and will resonate because of you.

how cool was that though...we got to represent ourselves for a change.

and i was there. i will take being tired in exchange for that.

decision: adventures

so when i look back on all these ramblings, there is a sure common thread of wanting. of yearning to do the things that i dream about doing or see others doing. wanting to have the stories i listen to others tell. i put it rather plainly: i want life.

well now i am allowing myself this with what will be my adventures. taking the initiative to do what i want, whether or not anyone else around me wants to. i started to think of all the times that i had not gone to do something because i did not want to be alone. i wanted to experience it with someone else. movies i can always do alone but other events like concerts are meant to be enjoyed by a group or crowd. but now, forget about it. the other liked minded people in the crowd will be my gorup.

my first adventure: washington d.c. for the rally to restore sanity and/or fear this saturday. one blogger called this event our generation's woodstock. thousands will be flocking to the national mall and i knew that i could not miss this. unlike my sister who would be there except for her you know "life" i have no excuses. so i will be taking a bus day trip to the capital to enjoy a couple of hours of good time, community, and comedy.

i am excited. i am proud of myself for doing it and not just thinking about it. i was almost discouraged when no one i knew wanted to go as well but i know what means something to me and what i would regret if i was not there. i have seen it happen too many times to me [paolo nutini live, obama rally in stl, etc] and i could not bear to have it keep happening.

now the only issue is how often can i have these adventures? what can i do within reason?

uncle p is having a series of shows in nyc in december. and the real deal sealer, miss janelle monae will be there. the woman who i facebook messaged once i fell for her voice and actually got a reply. the woman who i told if i was a singer, i would want her voice. who i asked for hair advice [just leave it alone, apparently] the woman who i told that i admire and that i can say stands alone in the category of her contemporaries. i quite simply love her and i am proud of her like i know her personally.

i told myself if this happened i would be there. that was some wishful thinking months ago but it actually happened. the rationality in my mind says of course he will tour the whole country, not just nyc and to wait. the other part says, so what, you could afford it if you act now. you aint never been to nyc and never seen him or her for that matter. what could possibly be holding you back? it would have to work perfectly. nothing could go wrong. i would have to find a way to get tickets though they go on sale while im in dc.

are they both once in a lifetime deals? i don't know. do i wanna risk it? not really....

but to say the very least, i will be having my fun now. no holding back.

and of course now, i am sure others will be announcing tours [iamx??] and robbing me blind. but i would be soooooo happy.

decisions, decisions. decisions.

[i'm not gonna go to nyc but d.c. is tomorrow. i'll let u know!]

rambling: ooh wee sha sha coo coo yea

you know those moments when you stop and realize that change is actively happening right where you stand? not only is it happening but you are part of it. i feel that from time to time now. i can feel my mind expanding, my vocabulary being used and not hitting blank faces. i can feel myself learning and engaging. the blood pushing its way through my veins, not just passing idly by, taking a tour of the facilities. i feel happy, i feel alive. in the moment of consciously understanding where and why i am.

kinda heavy huh? but thats the things that have been on my mind as of late. i have always been of an older more mature nature but i feel as if i am not negating it. i am not trying not to be serious or trying to fit into what a typical 20 something is supposed to be. i am not settling. i am following that elusive inner compass and seeing where it takes me. its what lead me here, landed smack center of one of the most talked about design conferences to happen this year at a college whose reputation grows each day in a state that was just granted money from the government for education which is where my eyes point towards anyways. im under the wing of the woman that inspired me to believe that i could fuse together the two passions of my life.

for lack of better phrasing, i am supposed to be here.

i find myself alone here, broken between my room and studio. much like my undergraduate career. but there i had friends, my aces that grew closer to me as i withdrew from everyone else. they held me up often but distracted me as well. these distractions i welcomed with open arms and eyes as i needed some 'life'. i wanted my own stories and scars and surely i got what i sought. but what i did not see coming was how clearly i would be able to see myself after all of it. seemingly i had to lose me to find me. she was always there but she was happy to let others take the reins.

but now that i have the reins firmly in my hands, and i feel as if i know in general where i am headed, i am alone. are they mutually exclusive? i don't think so, but it depends on what i am willing to give. right now, i value my health and my work. sometimes these don't always sync up but i will say that i realize that for my sanity i have to be alone sometimes. i have to separate studio and home. i have to be allowed mental breaks, whether its as simple as watching the daily show & colbert report everyday, i must have voices in my head that are not my own and not other designers.

i love what i do but it will swallow you whole. i enjoy the company of my studio mates but i think i have gotten ready to find a niche here that is beyond their reach. i have never expected to find any more aces here, i knew i would find colleagues though. and there are some truly interesting figures and minds here. but of course, old habits die hard. i still find myself attached to a screen obsessing over some towering cultural figure in my life [currently, mr. prince rogers nelson, aka uncle p]

but one thing that i am reassured by is that i not only admire these people, i love them and see something of myself in them. it can be something very basic, but there is some connection there that gives me hope. take my dear uncle for example. he gives me faith that i can and will grow and change. that evolution as an artist and person do not have to be mutually exclusive. there is a peace to be had if you are not afraid to take a journey of course. there is something to be said of that man's fearlessness. there is something to be said about his spirit. his journey, as far as i can tell, is not a pretty one, its not wrapped in pretty little purple bow. and that just the tidbits you can discern here and there. its in the music from what i deduce. one of the things i love about him is how he communicates with such emotional honesty in his work, which is not easy.

there seems to always be a discussion of whether or not you respect and/or like that person outside of the work. well for me, he is somewhat omnipresent in my life as i can never imagine him not being there. that being said i realize and respect how utterly human he is. he grabs my heart with his search for peace, happiness, and love. i do not expect perfection. and as much i hope that the people i love are as lovely as they seem, the relationship that means the most to me is that 1 to 1 relationship i have with the sounds coming out of my speakers. its a way for me to have wisdom whispered in my ears and what i seek is a connection with what you are trying to communicate to me. thats the whole reason i fell for them in first place. they connected, they made contact and with him, he is hitting like .750. mind you, i still haven't heard everything. i have listened to twenty five albums in their entirety and still have some way to go. he does not make it easy and i think thats one of the things i enjoy. i like rising to the occasion that he sets out before me as a listener. sometimes i am rewarded, sometimes i shake my head, but either way i am engaged. i am elated he is still recording, performing but i am thankful to say i know what i behold now with him. i never got it before, but i do now. eyes wide open, heart even wider.


my name is mina and i am a purple hippie [ooh wee sha sha coo coo yea]


but i digress, just the ability to admire i think is valuable. to see beyond yourself and be able to praise, when seemingly so much of our nature is the opposite.

i had a thought last night, in one of my many late night thinking/talking sessions, that i could not think of a moment where i had done something so vile that truly haunted me. the things that i have felt shame for, have been forgiven by the people that i wronged in some way. but i do not have that one story that i wish i could fix. i think i am so aware of that now.

i am truly only here to facilitate and help those that i can. i like influencing people, whether it be giving advice or turning them onto some new music. i like leaving an imprint on a person. its just about the only thing i value. that my love for others causes me to want to do good, be good, and inspire good. i know that i inspire. people have been telling me for ages that they look up to me and it makes me aware that what i do has an effect. people look to me for cues that i just naturally send out i think. and to think i could lead someone astray by what i am doing, i think lupe fiasco said it best, i would rather not be remembered at all.

still a bit heavy huh? lol

i know but i figure, if i am in a moment where i can feel myself having an impact, i am not being distracted, i have the time to ponder, what better thing could i be doing? at least i know i can have an effect. i think we all can but that requires activity, not passivity. and that is not a punitive statement as people do have other more pressing matters. but one of the luxuries of academia is i don't.

its so obvious im meant to be an intellectual, its not even funny.

well just a bit. but i can truly say that i am happy. i am not complacent so expect some furor to manifest but seriously, "aint nothin ever came from complaining, 'cept a bitter heart." good ol uncle p.

rambling: dream on

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream

-the commodores "zoom"

its official over here in so many ways. i am now 23, a graduate student, resident of raleigh, a licensed driver and utterly alone from all those i know. my music keeps me company to fill the silences of anonymity. i am now that tall chick to those who happen to see me pass.

i like it.

i said i wanted to press reset and here i am in front of a black screen. an open canvas. that nervous energy is back. that rhythm and bounce is back. my inquisition is leading in the right direction. and i like it. i find myself smiling for no reason only to find that i am brimming with pride at the fact that i did it. i said i wanted something and did it. and not only did it, but did it largely on my own. i mean the support was there but getting all this together was in my hands. no counselors or mentors. just me, saying you can do this. you can find it.

its there, just take it.

and here i am. now clearly there are sacrifices involved. its not like i am not paying for this, literally. but i have granted myself this time and in the best possible place. ncsu is a role model program that is only getting better and more recognized. and i get to play a role in that. the studiomates are nice, so are the roommates. the campus is huge and beautiful. so clearly i was in the best possible place right? all smiles. well not necessarily. of course the buzz killington of my life had to step in the remind me the literal cost of what i "call myself doing." as if i was "signing my life away" for nothing. as if i was randomly risking so much without any idea. funny how the faithless will wait to speak up once its already done. however, it was intended to sound, it went in one ear, smashed through all my excited smiles and pissed me off. but then i stopped, talked my way through it and came out laughing.

i am moving on with my life and if you cannot be excited & supportive, step aside. i am heading onwards and upwards regardless of your two cents. i laughed to think of the conservative this person has aged into. i think of how much im going to defy that way of thinking. i already have and will continue to do so. nothing will stop me dreaming my dream.

scratch that.

nothing will stop me from living it.

rambling: isolation & acceptance

isolation. i enjoy it when it is forced or happenstance. i enjoy being by myself, i feel comfortable that way i suppose. i do miss those that were closest to me but when i think of all that goes into any interaction, i become weary of it before it has begun. the vulnerability and the supposition that i know what is going to happen even before it does. but yet i still long for a companionship worthy of folklore. my romantic mind dreams up an individual that i will probably never encounter. i spend my time talking to this invisible counterpart, holding court, reminding myself of things i already know. needing to speak to them to make it real, because my thoughts can belie themselves. the cunning little fuckers will trick the mind that bore them. i hold it all together because i know myself so well. if i was afraid to face myself, this would never work. i would mutilate myself much more harshly and in a non-metaphysical way if i had not found some way to accept myself. in all my craziness, my flaws, i function with a resolute belief that i am okay. my oddity does not give me any reason to fear, just gives me even more reason to be proud of how well i do function. of how well i can handle myself when my biggest foe is myself. not much else gets to me like i get to myself which would lead to the supposition that i should be able to tell her to shut up and get on with it but with that there is the misfortune of having to be with myself all day. every day. all the time. i love the company but sometimes the trick turns on me and i have to work around her treachery. my work does that. music does that. all my fascinations do that. i try to focus on them so that i won't steered towards the darker things that could kill me. i haven't stumbled towards the liquor cabinet yet. i keep myself on the straight and narrow i think. but i also cannot fall so deeply into a solipsistic hole that i cannot interact with people anymore. i worry that i will be a sayer not a doer and will just continue to be fascinated by others thinking that coulda been me.


but with all that said.

i know i won't.

i'm too aware of it i think to do so. my neurosis won't let me mess this up.

when the time comes, i will pounce. i will not fail. i will not falter. til then, my best & most complicated relationship is with myself and i doubt i have the capacity to truly take her out.


[happy 100th, phd. i hope u like the new digs & the craziness that just sprawled out of me.]

rambling: medical mystery

for the past few days my body has felt like it is fighting me. i have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a whole amalgamation of symptoms that vary from patient to patient and manifest themselves differently. but something we all share is insulin resistance, my body does not process it properly. meaning my blood sugar is something i have to be aware of or i may pass out. its the worse feeling in the world. i feel like i am dying when i am in a hypoglycemic bout and thankfully i bounce back rather quickly. i was diagnosed when i was twelve, so i am used to it, but for the past five days i have felt unable to bounce back. its like being a stupor, a haze. it comes and goes but i know i am not at one hundred percent.

another part of this condition and the core of a lot issues i have/had is a hormonal imbalance. can you imagine my identity crisis as a twelve year old when i have hair growing down the side of my face, my voice is of a lower register, i am already taller than everyone around me, and that a lack of menstruation set off this whole questioning & diagnosing yet i was staring down at a pair of c's? whispered conversations happened around me as i contemplated the freak that i was. part boy part girl. i have a complex about til this day. petrified that i may find myself wanting children with the child bearing hips i have grown into only to find i cannot. worried that the two halves will never reconcile themselves and i will produce the right amounts of both hormones. that i will always be out of whack. that i must smile brightly and wear things obviously feminine not to warrant a response for a sir or mister. that has happened to me three times. i feel myself being the hugest joke ever played. the most naturally maternal person unable to have her own. the six foot four invisible woman. the walking billboard that no seems to see or pay attention to. a walking living breathing contradiction.

i have come a long way from that confused preteen but she is still at my core. i have to rationalize and make things make sense for her. you feel bad right now because you need to eat. you have shave so often because of the imbalance and genetics. you feel depressed because of your isolation and anxiety. you want to drink because it numbs your brain and stops you from thinking to much. you crave this because of your addictive personality. i break myself down into these understandable bits so that she isn't confused anymore. self diagnosis because the worse thing is not knowing what is going on.

i sate her by believing that my two halves, masculine and feminine, help me connect in ways others may not be able to. i can empathize. i am teaching myself to see everything that i possibly can as a strength and benefit to me if it is not killing me. this condition is not but it has shaped and molded me. it identifies a lot of me because we were introduced at such a pivotal time in my life. it is why sexuality and gender fascinate me. it is why my moods shift. i am a hormonal seesaw. being aware helps but does not make it any easier to deal with let alone explain to myself or anyone else. but since i feel my body and me have been at odds lately, i needed to try. she can not give out on me, my mind and heart have too many things to do.

meanwhile,in continuing my compiling of my life the soundtrack, here a seven tracks i love and you may too if you give them a try:

1. first time ever i saw your face- roberta flack
2. somebody to love- queen
3. money don't matter 2 night- prince
4. half life- sneaker pimps
5. you don't know me- ray charles
6. atticus- the noisettes
7. by the time- mika ft imogen heap

cheers, phd. i needed that.

inspiration: sir ken robinson

one of the reasons i'm going back to school to work in education.

my life the soundtrack: cathartic cries

i've been thinking lately of the music that when linked together plays as my life. either a song or whole album correlates to a period in my life. so lets start it off with some of my personal tearjerkers.



this song will forever remind me of my grandmother's funeral. in the car, on the way to the cemetery, we were listening to a rush of blood to the head. this track played and we rode in silence until my uncle said, "that is one coooold play." smirks and side glances but the silence was still unbroken. it holds a secondary level of melancholy for me but i can listen to it now without crying. just a thought of my grandmother who never really knew how lovely she was.

memorable lyrics:
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i set you apart

this song ripped through all of posturing in high school and hit the core of how i felt on my weakest days. the rawness of his voice with an acoustic guitar feels honest and the lyrics sounded like my thoughts. it still gets me til this day. the way it builds like a volcanic eruption of emotion that breaks & ends right where it began. no solution or completion, just expression & a bit of hope.

memorable lyrics:
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay

i would sit on my bed, in the dark, ears plugged with only the lights from the hallway and the ipod to keep me company. rocking back and forth and trying to find strength in his lyrics. trying to find some honor in staying when you know you should leave. in loving someone that seemingly does not want you to. his voice expressed the pain & stubborness i felt at myself. im such a masochist for taking the pain. im such a sadist for inducing it.

memorable lyrics:
when you lower me down
so deep that i can't get out
when you're lost, lost & alone
yes you'd think it was the last place
you'd come back for more

and when it was finally over, these lyrics absolutely murdered me.

memorable lyrics:
i am dreamer
and when i wake
you can't break my spirit
its my dreams you take
and as you move on
remember me
remember us
and all we used to be

i've always fascinated by the phenomena of me being so physically striking yet also invisible. i convinced myself that i was not worthy of any attention or worry. no one bothered to ask therefore there is no care for me. in my weaker moments this makes sense.

when i snap out of it i realize i am left to my own because people believe i am strong enough to handle it. everyone seems to believe that i have it together or if i don't i will soon. to put it colloquially, "she'll be aight."

when im feeling weak i make myself a spectacle just to warrant a reaction. on many a day i conceived various ways to startle & purely mortify those into noticing me. i never went through with it to the point of causing actual harm...usually just drank a bit too much. usually just picked arguments or be deathly silent or continue my kindness waiting for it to reciprocated. i am happy i do not allow myself to do this anymore. i don't think in terms of the other anymore. i have to please me in the end, not living for them.

i scared myself when i thought the phrase "well i cannot do anything to harm myself because __________ will be devastated. don't wanna ruin their day."

i felt like i was living for others convenience, not my will to do so. i just did not care about me and its hard for me to conjure up love when i dont feel it around me. i was broken to say the very least, but now i realize that even though i still wish to be found, its not for self validation. no ulterior motives or expectations. just seeking connection wherever i may find it. i can't expect anyone to find me, if i haven't and back then, i was not even trying.

memorable lyrics:
Souls pass me by
Why can't they see me here
Touch me one time
Just like magic
I will reappear

there are many more songs that cause my eyes to overflow but no one likes a debbie downer. next i will explore some memorable albums. its nice to reflect on where you've been. gets me excited for where i'm going, like i'm checking things off a list.

[angst, check. longing, check. isolation, check. broken heart & recovery, check & check. okay moving on!]

rambling idea: judgments & open minds

these days used to bear significance. funny how things change. thankfully things change. anniversaries become saturdays and the world moves on. i'm past it. i do not even ponder it anymore really. not in that mind numbing side cringing will i ever get answers way like i used to. more in the i wonder what he's doing fleeting feeling i get for most people i have not talked to or seen in awhile.

so clearly i do not intend to write about that since there is nothing left to say...what has been on my mind lately is judgment. i think of conversations that i have been a part of, well witnessed really, since i just sat back and listened. only occasionally chiming in. sometimes i do not feel like opening up someone's mind when we are just shooting the shit. but a lot is said in jest that stings.

it hits my ears wrong and i think man, that would be really offensive if certain people were in the room. i am not the pc police so why bother, but what concerns me is how people that claim to be open minded say things that are just the opposite. open mindedness does not equivocate to tolerance outwardly but internal disgust or reprimand. not that we all have to get along and agree but i do think there has to be mutual respect and at least an attempt to see the other side. then if you still cannot see or agree, you can walk away. but rash generalizations pool out of people with the connotation of it being an absolute truth from their point of view. there is never a bend to see it from the other side, which is at the core of open mindedness.

if you can only express your view with sentences that begin with i, then you're missing the point. there will always be the filter of your own existence, but there must be empathy as well as relation.

the conversations that come to mind involve two divides: sexual & generational. both have been within my family. sexuality is not something that i believe we have an issue with as a family but it is easy to say because we have never had to consider it. no one has had to come out to us before. we have all been deemed heterosexuals. but what seems to fail me is how they cannot understand that everyone has their own kinks and things that arouse them, so what turns you on is not what is going to turn someone else on.

speaking of homosexual men and not understanding how they are attracted to the male form that is overtly masculine. i mean they are gay! of course it turns them on, that is the point. assumptions & stereotypical generalizations run rampant. the inability to look at it rationally and without cultural goggles or from within your own preferences is what gets me. there is no major difference to me. everyone likes what they like and that's cool.

as long as its not children or incest or dead people or animals. everything else is fair game. there is clearly variety and difference but nothing that should cause someone shame.

i try not to pass judgment on people for thinking the way that they do but i do find it interesting that many within the black community cannot seem to wrap their minds around sexuality and open their arms to their so called alternative counterparts. especially since the rhetoric is quite similar to what racists would say about what they considered to be lesser races. they make them seem alien, inhuman, closer to animals, somehow less than...instead of just different.

ignorance is lack of knowledge. some people are not intentionally malicious because they just do not know. and to me, it seems unfair and unfounded to jump down their throats every time they bring it up. how can you expect them to learn if they cannot ask? its when it becomes a joke that it begins to hurt. when it feels as if the inquiries are not genuine that it becomes malicious.

the generational divide within the black community is one that fascinates me. it is so evident to me the shift from my parents generation to ours. i understand it but what bothers me is the continual disassociation and lack of respect for the younger generation from the older. this becomes so unbelievably clear to me when talking about music.

music means a lot to every culture i suppose but i know it does for african americans. our music has been our lifeline in terms of survival. from wading in the water to pop locking on the block, our music has been our way out. the way to express ourselves in a way that was unique to us. no matter how often it is bastardized, it is still us. we created the american musical landscape as we know it. that sounds like such a broad and boastful statement but it is true. spirituals, folk, blues, jazz, rock, funk, pop, hip hop. it all began with us. now it has sprawled the world over and been built upon and broken into various genres. some derivative & celebratory before yielding their own innovations while others stole without a second thought.

the music has identified who we are and bordered in what was acceptable with monikers existing like black or white music. if you step outside said boundary you are somehow leaving behind part of your identity or culture. it became so controlled which to me is completely against the nature of music itself. its meant to spread and translate.

in all of this division, a generational split happened within the community that was made appallingly clear in music. on numerous occasions i think we all have had to defend hip hop. we've had to explain its artistry. now clearly as chris rock so masterfully broke down, some things make it difficult to really stand up for hip hop. but there are always shining examples, depending on what hip hop means to you.

but what confounds me is the inability to see how hip hop developed in an organic way from the musical traditions that our parents generation gave us. it speaks to us and our lives right now. i know that what spoke to them back in day wasn't easily accepted either. the classics were not always so. legends were not born. but what i find interesting is that it is not another race that does not seem to understand. it is your parents. the people that created you and they do not even seem to get it. the divide is within what used to be such a tight knit club.

there was a shift. hip hop birthed a new musical tradition like rock n roll and its going through all the same phases. the shift in circumstance from generation to generation has changed the way we express ourselves and thus how we understand each other. the circumstances which we now live under did not exist when our parents were the same age as we are now. the opportunities are nowhere near equal. not just in terms of race, but gender, sexual orientation, economic status, educationally, technologically. the list goes on forever. thus, in many ways our music speaks in a language that many of them cannot even understand. but i relish when the lines are blurred and they like some of the music we like proving the lineage is still there.

we are their children. i was raised on everything from sergio mendes to the police, bob marley to talking heads, steely dan to prince, jimi hendrix to david bowie. they brought the world into our home with every song. and thus some of their tastes have clearly rubbed off. i owe my open mind to it. and i am thankful for it. that i know more and can be empathetic to others in a way that a lot of other cannot seem to grasp.

there is no finger pointing or ranking, just an open mind that hopes other people will open theirs as well. we are all human and anything that elevates us above being animals is fascinating. everything speaks to someone. everyone has something that turns them on. it may not make sense to you but then why should it? some things will be outside of your realm of understanding.

either learn the language or tip your hat and keep it moving.

meet: b.o.b.

i think it is obvious why i like this kid...i'm interested to see where he goes. but so far, he is making me proud of my hometown again.

so fast forward: his album drops and is currently my favorite thing! he is genuine talent and added to the love list. decatur where its greater still can generate artists! *humming airplanes* btw, if eminem is featured on your track, you are certified without question...seriously. he backs it up and then some for me.

photo: never lose your imagination

photo courtesy of tim macpherson

point of genesis: prince rogers nelson

the look in his eyes. the smirk. the melodies. the rhythms. the lyrics.

there is always something or someone that sticks out in childhood memories. this gentleman, his royal badness, is mine. he's the first one to capture my heart & mind. there is an imprint from him on all of my loves. his music, art, appearance, performance, sexuality, humor, ideals & existence began the threads that flow through those who inspire me now.

one of my earliest memories is my dad dancing to controversy. i had no idea what he was singing about but the melody is like a heartbeat, forever present. just like the guitar riffs and imagery of his performance of lets go crazy & purple rain. he is one of those people that i cannot imagine not being there, even though i grew up during the 1990s when he had fallen from media grace.

i am having fun rediscovering him. its like getting to know an uncle you haven't seen in a long time. a really productive creative uncle who has work ranging from the perfectly groovy make you wish you were in the clubs in the 1980s just so you could dance to it track irresistible bitch to the melancholic tear inducing longing of sometimes it snows in april.

his fierce sometimes off putting quintessentially punk obsession with freedom & inability to do what people expect or want or demand is inspiring. before i became an artist, i never understood that whole slave thing. its all about perspective. like all of my loves he is perfectly imperfect. wholly human, wholly eccentric, wholly committed to excellence & being more than what is expected.

in a word, fearless. there is no better starting off point for an artist.

thank you, your majesty.

it's official: i'm part of the wolfpack!

i will be at nc state university this fall! this program has had my heart since the beginning with its unparalleled focus on education. it is amazing to think i will be mingling with the right people, quite soon. its always gratifying to know that i went for the best and they wanted me! it gives me hope that i am not crazy for choosing this path and that others feel the same way i do about design. and it makes me feel that ever so missed feeling of anxiety, curiosity, anticipation, fear, and excitement.

imma a wolf now, kid!

rambling idea: entitlement & identity

everyone has something to say. the majority of us have been raised to believe that not only do we have voices, but we have and are often expected to scream. to believe we will have an audience. to keep going until we get what we want.

the temper tantrum.

we want what we want and we want it now. our drive thru culture of entitlement becomes part of life. its how things are supposed to be. it feels right when you feel like you are fighting for something that is righteous but isn't that subjective?

it feels oh so "american" to me as well. not only a superiority complex but the idea of fighting to get what you want to the point of death or completion. we don't like to hear no. we don't like to hear can't. a country of rebels steadfast on fighting, even ourselves.

we get frustrated when we don't do what we want ourselves to do. we set expectation of ourselves that is sometimes unreasonable. now is this completely wrong, no because this leads to excellence for those that can manage. so is there a line or a select few of people that can achieve excellence while others fail? we call it natural selection. but what happens when everyone feels entitled but can not make it?

where does that sense of entitlement go?

it becomes self doubt or self hate. it becomes hatred and jealousy of those who do make it. it becomes active pursuit of their fall. it becomes feeble attempts to own things. it becomes attempts to place your stamp on something to call your own because you have nothing to show for your existence otherwise. you need something to claim. and if there is nothing left to claim you can always claim your opinions. you can always have something to say and then you must share it with the world. it may seem frivolous or futile but it serves a purpose to someone.

speaking from the perspective of a young black woman, i think of people i grew up with that were so quick to claim a zip code, a street, a color. i never understood it. but i think of it now as a claim of identity, a claim of pride because they do not have much else or feel as if they don't. we as a people don't seem to own much. we can't even trace back our lineage more than a couple of generations if we are lucky. we attach ourselves to our creativity and ability to create new things to call "ours". no matter how many times it gets hijacked [remember when bling wasn't in the dictionary & on the lips of ostentatious brides on television?]

as much as i understand it, and definitely feel a part of the culture [i have a blog & i tweet], i find myself seeking an identity that is set in something solid. i am lucky. i have my family. i have my talents. i have great jumping off points and i am realizing more and more what defines me. what speaks to me and what feels true to me and why. i feel like i owe it to myself to figure myself out instead of letting extracurricular things define me. they can allude to me, they can feel like me, they can look like me, they can decorate me, but they cannot be me. i feel entitled to be honest with myself so that when i do speak or even scream, i know where and why that voice is coming out. im too tied up in me to be hating on someone else. i am too tied up in my own striving for excellence that tearing someone else down seems juvenile and futile.

all my rambling lead to this idea: no one is more worthy than anyone else but in our current culture, that seems to be believed and accepted. and this leaves the have-nots struggling to define themselves and claim something for their own. to me, being honest with yourself is the best place to start. being self obsessed and truly figuring out who you are better positions you to having an identity that is not given to you but made by you. which to me makes achieving excellence that much greater or not achieving it that much easier to bear. you will know what you are here to do and not be caught up in things that you are not. you will be entitled to you and not worry so much about screaming things out into the world because the audience does not dictate. your worth will come from within, not from them.

image: stop & think about it

rambling: me or them

there is much to speak upon and not necessarily the will to really write. i haven't been quiet for lack of things to speak about [entitlement, defenses, excellence, dreams have all come to mind] but just not really been in a writing mood. but then of course i remembered why i write in the first place.

no wonder i feel out of whack. i have been thinking and contemplating things without getting them out. i've been letting emotions and thoughts circle and crash around my head to be replaced with more after the smoke has cleared. partly because i got busy. partly because when i wasn't working i was sleeping. partly because i did not feel like being analytical for a change. partly because i think i had grown weary of always having an opinion. sometimes i feel blank because there is nothing going on, and other times i do it on purpose.

i put myself on vacation from myself. i let the real world into my universe and quit thinking so much.

only issue with that...i can't trust them now can i?

something that has come up for me, time and time again is that i hold myself to a standard that is not standard. the way i do things and believe things should be done is not always what others believe. i am not against compromise however, i will not go along with something that does not feel right to me. trusting my feelings has been my nearest and dearest for as long as i can remember. my instincts have lead me to be in a prime position: i have been accepted into two graduate school programs, one of which is my top choice. been offered scholarship and fellowship from one and waiting to hear back from the other. working with a start ups that is teaching me how i want to be in the business.

there is a balance that is starting to unfold. for awhile all i was seeing was what i did not want because i did not know what i wanted. i know what i want now but still have to rely on other people's decisions to get it. if for whatever reason i fall out of favor, i know that i can say that i did my best and a lot was left in the hands of others. i think that is part of the reason i want to do so much on my own, and why i spend so much time alone. i know the alternatives are dealing with people who do not care or do not know any better. i know i will not receive what i give and i just have to believe that one day i will. that all this hard work and good will can not lead in the wrong direction. it feels right. the hardest part is keeping the faith when all else says otherwise. thankfully i have people that believe in my talent and i believe in it too.

i worry about it though. i worry that a side effect of this is being detached to the point of it being a flaw. i know i do it to protect myself and i worry of what i am missing if anything and if what i gain is worth it. i worry about regretting it. i rarely do, but even that is a learned behavior. i assure myself that i am doin what i need to be. that it will fall into place and i will be in the light at the end of it all. i look at the people i see myself in, the people i admire and view as inspiration. they do it too. its like it comes with the territory. i am built this way. some people hate me for it, some people understand why i am this way and just call to make sure i am still here. and even if they do not understand they just let it be because they love me. i have love in my life in ways that i always have through all my darkest days but took me forever to truly appreciate.

i go back and forth between utter love & true isolation i feel like a crazy person and i used to wonder if it would ever stop. i know it won't. i am not even looking for it too anymore.if i know the black and white extremes, i should be able to recognize all the gray. i wish for balance and the realization of all the things i want. too much? too unrealistic?

tough. i want it.

being true to me is the only way i know how. i will find my audience. rather risk not finding them than losing me.but the wildest things is knowing that as i type someone is deciding my fate. i have a fierce fighter mentality that won't let me rest until i get what i want or die knowing i did all i could to make it so.

and im just at the beginning.

inspiration: lost generation

2010: so let me begin...

[i have neglected you, phd, and i apologize deeply, and offer a pretty starry picture.]

so it is a new year. a whole brand new spanking & kicking year and decade. besides it seems only fitting that i return at the beginning of something. my old posts seemed to be tied to an end. the depressing end of something and of course, the in-between period. and i am nothing if i am not reflective. so here's a good chance to catch up.

1. still no job... and as much as that sucks i am enjoying the mental freedom. i am surrounded by those whose existence is dominated by their jobs. either the ridiculous amount stress or the unbelievable dislike of traffic, or even the emptiness of no longer having a bell to answer. i am lucky.

2. applied to graduate school... the biggest benefit of not being employed was being able to figure out exactly what i would like to do. and as it so happens, graduate school is required. if, no, when i have my way i will have a masters in fine arts in either design or visual communications. the ultimate goal being to use design in education reform. being a professor would be amazing for me but namely i would like to use my design skills and thinking to aid & bring awareness to our education system.

3. i know what i want creatively... in working through all of these many hoops to land on my career, i realized that i do not want a stereotypical designer career. working in a firm, under the helm of some snooty veteran designer. consistently tied to technical bits of information that change at the drop of a thumb to click a mouse pad. i am really more artistic though i have a designer's mind. i cannot completely fly on the wings of snooty fancy in the art world or the technical coldness of design.

i am bits of both but above of all else, i am an independent. i enjoy being commissioned for what i do, not being told what to do. parameters, criticism, & collaboration are my dear friends but in the end, i like to do things my way. the stereotypical solo artist. but i know this will be the part of my life i keep separate from my career. my creativity needs not to be diluted by being the source of money, because it is a source of happiness for me. i need it to be pure. as pure as i can manage. which means i need to control it. too many times in freelance situations, i have felt like a whore at the whims of my clients searching for my monetary and creative fixes. that will not do for me. each design will be tainted if i let it go that way and i do not want to grow to hate or resent my creative need.

4. i got closure... this one is quite recent. very. meaning yesterday. i haven't spoke about my ex in a long while because i was doing all that i could to push him out of my system like detox. i didn't mean for it to be a malicious thing but it was necessary for me. and i needed to look after me for a change. and yesterday i got the chance to converse with him. and i am happy to say that i was right. i was right! not only that our relationship ran in reverse [basically marriage to friends] but also that we will always be connected.

it was also nice to pick up the old bantering rhythm. but i think that i was happiest to thank him for letting me go. he stated how he loved me too much and too truly to constantly take me through all that. i have realized that he was right to do so because i do not need to be a part of that life anymore. he always kept me at the brink of his madness but if we were still together, i would have just carried on with it all and eventually fallen right off the edge. mind you we talked through all of this months before actually breaking up, but for me, it had to be real and felt. i needed to hurt and go through the pain and come through on the other side and find that self worth for it to all make sense.

he knew this, the too smart for his own good sucker, so i am thankful. i get to let it go now. completely. no more questions unanswered or things unsaid. now its just a friend, if i ever need him.

the bottoms i reached in college seem to be the furthest away from me now and i find myself ready to be that person everyone seems to think i am capable of being. all of these people seem to see it. i don't want to prove them wrong. that is not my style. i am keeping my attitude high as much as i can. sulking cannot be a permanent state.

i feel responsible for my happiness. for the first time in a long time i feel like i am at the beginning of something.


[lastly, i will do better this year, phd. admittedly i missed u.]