so in my long list of loves there always comes a point where there is one that is an amalgamation. a person who is reminiscent but fresh all at the same time. mind blowing in the their own right but still indicative of those that were found before them.
and tim minchin is one such person.
and since i am keeping track, i found him technically through noel while watching buzzcocks and wandered into his videos and have been up all night with him. he is australian, a pianist, a songwriter/poet, a satirist, a comedian, a singer, an actor, and has amazing eyes. he is clever as hell, adorable and theatrical, and is also a really really good singer and pianist.
he is clearly up my alley in every way but this following video sealed an already closed deal when it made me cry laughing, twice.
11/15/09
10/31/09
lessons: opinions, culture, & anglophilia
1. i do my hair better than anyone else ever has and it is cheap. [sidenote: i am all for supporting chris rock's good hair documentary but i already know that tale. but highly recommend others go see it. it will lessen the number awkward hair convos that you have with your friends.]
2. drag king shows aren't as interesting when they do a bunch of modern rock or hip hop songs. lackluster performances but they were amateurs so cheers for having the ummm guts to do it!
3. i love multitalented people.
4. even the shortest of ballerinas can command a stage. mozart's the magic flute was amazing. yay atlanta ballet!
5. another one of my siblings is moving back to atlanta...it's becoming a trend!
6. being out with my two good friends from high school reminded me that somethings will always feel natural.
7. my blood pressure is normal....thank the lord! my genetics have it in for me in that regard so i am elated bout that.
8. people do keep their word. as promised, the lovely people of iamx sent my surprise for designing the tote. i got three of my totes one of which has an autographed note from chris corner himself, two buttons, and an autographed copy of the latest single, my secret friend with imogen heap. i had squealy teenagery moment when i saw it, i can't even lie.
9. i do feel lonely, like an island, but i am understanding that its still better. before i felt like a deserted island, now i feel like fledgling paradise no one has discovered yet.
10. my anglophilia spans even into history. i have been watching vh1 classic all week, schooling myself on rock n roll legends: the who, the rolling stones, & queen. its funny when you see people in their prime, in the right context. you can see for yourself why they are unquestionable.
right now i am crushing on roger daltrey of the who. he was so so so nice in the tommy years and he has a voice i didn't expect. i loved the tommy movie as well. the performances from all three just made me jealous. we don't get performances and front men like that very often anymore. i mean queen at live aid, literally, had me gaping. that is the definition of crowd control. the who were great with their more or less balanced chaos while the stones slinked and grooved.
ahhh gotta love the brits. especially their open admittance of their music deriving from black music. the stones and the who were cover bands first and then produced their own work. i love that because they didn't just flat out steal without recognition like some other people we know. its cool to see the universal span black music had and has. it all comes back to us in the end don't it.
but really its the soul of it. its transcendental. its like how you know someone is lying. you can just feel it in there.
2. drag king shows aren't as interesting when they do a bunch of modern rock or hip hop songs. lackluster performances but they were amateurs so cheers for having the ummm guts to do it!
3. i love multitalented people.
4. even the shortest of ballerinas can command a stage. mozart's the magic flute was amazing. yay atlanta ballet!
5. another one of my siblings is moving back to atlanta...it's becoming a trend!
6. being out with my two good friends from high school reminded me that somethings will always feel natural.
7. my blood pressure is normal....thank the lord! my genetics have it in for me in that regard so i am elated bout that.
8. people do keep their word. as promised, the lovely people of iamx sent my surprise for designing the tote. i got three of my totes one of which has an autographed note from chris corner himself, two buttons, and an autographed copy of the latest single, my secret friend with imogen heap. i had squealy teenagery moment when i saw it, i can't even lie.
9. i do feel lonely, like an island, but i am understanding that its still better. before i felt like a deserted island, now i feel like fledgling paradise no one has discovered yet.
10. my anglophilia spans even into history. i have been watching vh1 classic all week, schooling myself on rock n roll legends: the who, the rolling stones, & queen. its funny when you see people in their prime, in the right context. you can see for yourself why they are unquestionable.
right now i am crushing on roger daltrey of the who. he was so so so nice in the tommy years and he has a voice i didn't expect. i loved the tommy movie as well. the performances from all three just made me jealous. we don't get performances and front men like that very often anymore. i mean queen at live aid, literally, had me gaping. that is the definition of crowd control. the who were great with their more or less balanced chaos while the stones slinked and grooved.
ahhh gotta love the brits. especially their open admittance of their music deriving from black music. the stones and the who were cover bands first and then produced their own work. i love that because they didn't just flat out steal without recognition like some other people we know. its cool to see the universal span black music had and has. it all comes back to us in the end don't it.
but really its the soul of it. its transcendental. its like how you know someone is lying. you can just feel it in there.
rambling: excuses & explanations
its funny to think that i feel the need to explain my absence to myself. i guess i am the one that i feel most accountable to right now. probably because i have a tendency to fail her...me. i hadn't felt like analyzing myself. someone had pressed pause again and i felt stuck like i was on fly paper. not to mention the creeping in loneliness and chill of autumn breezes making me miss parts of my old life. it seems more than a few months ago. a whole other era. leaps and bounds. i can't judge whether this is right or wrong, and give it a stamp but i can say that i feel better.
my sight is clearer. but i am not liking some of what i can now see.
times seem so bleak. but really its just a matter of patience. my focus has shifted towards something i thought i would never want: more school! i am applying to graduate school and thus pulled a brake on the job front for the moment. but the beauty of it is that i am not running into grad school as a haven from recession hell, but more so to do what i really want to do.
i figured it out! a career path. now granted i feel that my career and personal creative endeavors will remain separate but that is the beauty of it. i don't want the wrong passion to become my career because i will end up hating it. case in point: i haven't been able to enjoy listening to outkast again since finishing my seminar book.
so there it is my explanation. i have been knee deep in a melodramatic stand still depression while researching and applying to graduate school. i give myself excuses more than explanations sometimes i think. fluffy sounding reasons for not making the moves i need to. but writing forces me to explain. to be honest. to cut through some of the crap i tell myself to find some semblance of truth. its funny how you never have to dig too deep to find it.
my sight is clearer. but i am not liking some of what i can now see.
times seem so bleak. but really its just a matter of patience. my focus has shifted towards something i thought i would never want: more school! i am applying to graduate school and thus pulled a brake on the job front for the moment. but the beauty of it is that i am not running into grad school as a haven from recession hell, but more so to do what i really want to do.
i figured it out! a career path. now granted i feel that my career and personal creative endeavors will remain separate but that is the beauty of it. i don't want the wrong passion to become my career because i will end up hating it. case in point: i haven't been able to enjoy listening to outkast again since finishing my seminar book.
so there it is my explanation. i have been knee deep in a melodramatic stand still depression while researching and applying to graduate school. i give myself excuses more than explanations sometimes i think. fluffy sounding reasons for not making the moves i need to. but writing forces me to explain. to be honest. to cut through some of the crap i tell myself to find some semblance of truth. its funny how you never have to dig too deep to find it.
10/15/09
love: rufus wainwright
there is a new love in our midst. and though i am late, he is right on time for me. if you haven't already, get familiar with mr. rufus wainwright. brilliant songwriter, musician, performer and an adorable character to say the least. check him out here in a great interview and performing the song that made stop dead in my tracks. press play.
do you know how hard it was to not laugh at jonathan ross trying to say his name?! god bless him and his speech impediment.
do you know how hard it was to not laugh at jonathan ross trying to say his name?! god bless him and his speech impediment.
9/26/09
lesson: facts, fears & of course, music
so what have i learned in the past seven days:
1. alexander key wrote "escape to witch mountain."
2. bobby cox is retiring as atlanta braves manager next year.
3. teaching english overseas is couple of hundred dollars away.
4. ted.com helps me relive college with great lectures and talks.
5. i use musical interests to read people.
6. i trust people i don't know more than people i know because i hold them to a higher standard but inevitably i don't really care for trust at all. i believe too much in the concept "to err is human" to ever expect anything. i still care, but i am never surprised.
7. i'm too rational to ever be a true addict, despite my nature and inclinations. no, this is what it really is. addict is too finite. its a label and i don't like labels. i may fall but i won't make it a habit.
8. james franco is a painter as well.
[i knew i forgot someone for my list. him and jonathan rhys meyers]
9. i fear being a speaker and not a doer.
10. i like the noisettes new album, and them in general really. her voice is unique but reminiscent at times of the following: janelle monae, amy winehouse, solange, & chrisette michelle. i know, a very nice discovery...obviously from london! press play.
1. alexander key wrote "escape to witch mountain."
2. bobby cox is retiring as atlanta braves manager next year.
3. teaching english overseas is couple of hundred dollars away.
4. ted.com helps me relive college with great lectures and talks.
5. i use musical interests to read people.
6. i trust people i don't know more than people i know because i hold them to a higher standard but inevitably i don't really care for trust at all. i believe too much in the concept "to err is human" to ever expect anything. i still care, but i am never surprised.
7. i'm too rational to ever be a true addict, despite my nature and inclinations. no, this is what it really is. addict is too finite. its a label and i don't like labels. i may fall but i won't make it a habit.
8. james franco is a painter as well.
[i knew i forgot someone for my list. him and jonathan rhys meyers]
9. i fear being a speaker and not a doer.
10. i like the noisettes new album, and them in general really. her voice is unique but reminiscent at times of the following: janelle monae, amy winehouse, solange, & chrisette michelle. i know, a very nice discovery...obviously from london! press play.
9/23/09
rambling: fascination & forgotten doors
i reread my favorite book as a child this past weekend. the forgotten door by alexander key. it felt like holding an heirloom as i saw the childhood scratchings of my mother on the last page of the book. it was her favorite too. i once scribbled my name in there but quickly scratched it out, my handwriting seemingly out of place i guess. a pale blue stained hardback copy with no illustrations, the forgotten door tells the story of a little boy who literally falls to earth.
little jon has no concept of many things we find common and cannot understand how we complicate things that are so simple where he is from. and what really struck me was the ethical and moral tones in the text. maybe the seeds of current thoughts were sown here.
but i know why i must have loved it, simply from the dedication:
"to all those who like the starlight and wonder about other places and other people."
i become fascinated by things that are beyond me. the alien, the outsider, the outcast, the other. i relate to that feeling of otherness but i also love things that i cannot fully wrap my head around. when i reduce something into my understanding, i tend to destroy it.
i analyze and question to the point of circuity, til you are questioning the question. it all becomes pointless and you start over. so things not within this cycle hold value to me. i love music because i cannot do it. i respect those who can, same with architecture, athletes, comedians, chefs, actors, the list goes on and on.
and that is not to say that i do not look up to or respect those in my fields but i do not obsess over them. i do not turn to them for inspiration really. i am way more interested in the interelativity of these other things and what i do. seeing the connections.
is their process similar to mine?
do their minds flicker and ignite similar to mine?
are their inspirations similar to mine?
i am too immersed and self obsessed. and removed from that world to be frank. i do not design or make art to be part of that larger conversation, i do it to please myself. to sate myself. and studying it too closely ruins it for me. i begin to study their processes not my own and of course mimicry comes next. and we can't have that.
but studying another type of artist, a musician, actor, architect, scientist, whatever positively influences me and opens my mind into new possibilities. this is probably why i love mixed media. i do not see why things can't relate even if they are different. that is on the surface, beneath it, a lot of the same feelings and emotions and processes bring these things into existence.
i am fascinated by those people. by the person, not just the work. underneath that work lies a beating heart that a lot of times i can feel the pulse of because it relates to mine somehow.
there is empathy. i just understand what they mean and can relate it to my own afflictions, circumstances, experiences, and beliefs.
we are not so different and seemingly the outsiders are the ones who can see that. i am fascinated by the viewpoint of others who walk that line with me. we are all in the same circle but at different angles. looking over at someone else's paper for awhile makes the whole thing make sense sometimes.
we are always part of something even if we feel alone. it is truly amazing how untrue that can feel but i have been proven wrong every time. even individuality has a cult, a tribe, a collective.
just gotta find yours and connect however you know how.
being fascinated is the best feeling i know. its love, respect, empathy, inspiration, and conversation that can be conjured without the other even knowing about it. and that unawareness is sometimes necessary...you know the saying "never meet your heroes." but even without their personal participation, there is still a discourse because they exist and they are producing. they are inviting you in.
its a relationship that serves you selfishly as a blinking blinding reminder that you are not alone. you are not the only one who feels this or thinks that. you may be an outsider but we are out here with you. i am sure it is nice for them to know that. maybe it is symbiotic. they need us, we need them. thats a nice sentiment really.
little jon fell through a forgotten door into another world, thats how my brain feels. tons of little forgotten doors and each fascination taps into them and builds a image of what is really going on in there, which paints an image of me, the sum of many parts, which in the end is quite simple: just an outsider looking in and asking questions.
9/19/09
idea: escape & discovery
last night was good. i created something new. a new commission for a friend of mine and it felt nice to feel how i used to. bouncing around in my seat, composing to a beat. performing for no one.
i have learned something about myself. i am an escapist.
in the sense that everything i truly love doing is an escape from my own mind. i feel trapped in there sometimes, so when i am focused like a white line of blinding light, i am at ease. my obsessiveness barreling through every piece of freedom i can find.
this does not sadden me.
i am thankful i know this. and also that i am interested in so many odd and cultural things that my curiosity assures that i will never become boring. i am actively making myself a better version of myself by following my instincts, interests, whimsies as they run wild.
leaving my mind wide open.
i am also thankful that there is so much information in the world that i can never run out of music, movies, interviews, blogs, articles, photos, art, architecture, history, characters....there is just too much. if i do grow weary, its my own laziness or depressive side taking over momentarily.
i think i may start a new part of phd based on this idea. what i learned or discovered today? because i do learn something new everyday and have a horrible memory because there is constantly new information pushing the old stuff out.
escaping is just discovery.
every time, i set across a new terrain with my mental adventures. until i can have my physical ones, my to do list grows long.
i wish i could see my brain activity. it must be off the charts.
9/18/09
performance: "bittersweet symphony"
youtube disabled embedding on the original video because its gotten over 14 million views, but this performance is great with coldplay to back richard ashcroft at live 8.
i want to go to a festival.
9/17/09
design: canvas by kyle cherry
it is a stunning laptop concept design for creatives specifically. with touchscreen, joystick, and stylish exterior to say the least. all i could think was: i would break that in two seconds.
for more pics: kylecherry.com
9/14/09
rambling: sleep & subdivision
its three a.m. i cannot sleep. its typical in how i describe myself nowadays. its just part of me. i try to make the best of it but its taking its toll.
i've been in a heightened state of irritability the past couple of days. i noticed that i feel pretty low after interviews...even if i feel it has gone well i lament the impending rejection or the stripping away of freedom. tends to feel like a lose/lose. i'm on the downside of a wave trying to flick myself back upwards. the kickback of having such energy and vibrancy for extended periods is that it wanes.
it dies down with a sigh.
i lose sight of what is in front me and regretfully, stand still. completely contradicting what gives me motivation: movement.
some of it is circumstance, some of it is my own mind [the part that doesn't like me very much]. my subdivisions pop out like blocks in a tower. mobile but not in a good way. the various sides of myself make me feel like i'm made of legos.
i have given into this concept of these parts making my whole because i believe i still know how to function. i know that even though the cynic is winning right now, the optimist is working on a plan to take her out.
both sides fight for dominance.
making it really hard to sleep.
i find distractions wherever possible, wide eyed and hopeful for a salvation that will not come which leads me to believe the truth is in the journey. there is no real goal at the end, the mucking through is the goal. this is what you do, this what you have to do.
the consistent back and forth is just to make it more interesting for you. for me. i never wanted a normal life. i never wanted typical. i have grown into all of my oddities and wear them like badges.
i do worry that i spend too much time in my head. but thankfully, this is an outlet i can maintain wherever i am. even if no one is paying attention, which often is the case with me, i can let it out.
i do feel inspired and busting with ideas but i fear they must wait. i have to be an adult in the worst sense of the word and conform.
maybe insomnia is the last frontier for me. i like the quiet. i like the darkness. i like the space. and yet i cannot give this time to creativity just yet.
the pieces are probably dangling in my face right now but i can't see them. height does not equal a better vantage point all the time.
my perspective and awareness tells me this is all self discovery. that i am in the heat of it. i told my mother recently that i know myself quite well. she believed me and i do as well now that i think about it. i can see outside of myself and see the bigger picture even while the rest of me is working away in the midst of it all.
its weird because you feel like you're narrating or scripting your life. you are not in it. i think that is why i love creating because i feel truly in sync with that moment. not thinking about it. i let go.
[music does this as well; probably why i will be deaf by thirty.]
like now. i ramble and let the words flow and all of sudden i have said something that has been meaning to come out for forever but gets trampled by all my other thoughts. my fingers can't even keep up with my brain.
but i think this tells me about my mood lately. i was in my head too much, and not creating. i should have stuck to my friday work rule. yep, interviews completely throw me off.
but its a new week, and the optimist has plans for me.
if only i could sleep.
9/12/09
photo: composing with paint
paint should be a three dimensional force. the technique is flawless.
image by ian crawford see more here.
9/11/09
rambling: music & meanders
when i am being self indulgent, i tend to pity myself. its easier i think. i vent in written word because i don't want to speak it into existence. but my goal is to bring light and life into the world yet my words come through harshly blunt and somewhat pitiful. but my saving grace is that i feel like there is something to be gleaned from it. even if i can't see it, someone else will.
i've been quiet again lately, namely i believe because i have been living in my other worlds of art and music. writing operates in a space for me that brings out my honesty, my confusion, my idealism, my need to find an awareness & connection. awareness of who i am and what is true to me and connecting the dots. taking all the nonsensical of my brain and laying it out for me to see it all. i have always been able to compose, to see the connections others cannot.
i have a mind that won't let me sleep and i feel like i am running in literal and mental circles. i am not complaining because i do this to myself. the low humming of creativity and curiosity keeps me a flutter. i believe i have outlets that i know work for me.
music. it saves me and it fascinates me as i have no musical talent of my own. i am always more interested in things i cannot do. it holds mystery and magic still. unlike art which now is a series of illusions and tricks and politics to me. well not entirely but its difficult when you can name the technique or can see a flaw.
i am obsessive, and i need space to let that roam and music is endless in that regard. tons for me to discover and let ooze into my skull. it invokes visuals and movement and language all at once. my artwork ebbs and flows this way. my hands move to the rhythm of the track playing and i compose to a beat. so being engulfed in this music that is pulling heart strings, waking me up, taking me to sleep, inspiring my work, humming my life. thus i have not written. the lyrics are doing that job. i am creating not typing.
if ramble i with words, i meander with images.
and just suck the life out of music.
i am addicted to it. i am in love with it. it is keeping me sane in times where i feel like i am not. it is driving me to find my universe that works for me. i can construct it. the real world beckons occasionally but i never like what it has to say.
i have been putting my head down and holding my breath. its difficult to hold on without result. without the blue ribbon. without the ridiculously large check. but the low humming tells me different. it purrs: there is light within me. i am one of those people. i will get the life i want. i must remind myself sometimes. my bad memory and rambling mind can get the best of me.
i've been quiet again lately, namely i believe because i have been living in my other worlds of art and music. writing operates in a space for me that brings out my honesty, my confusion, my idealism, my need to find an awareness & connection. awareness of who i am and what is true to me and connecting the dots. taking all the nonsensical of my brain and laying it out for me to see it all. i have always been able to compose, to see the connections others cannot.
i have a mind that won't let me sleep and i feel like i am running in literal and mental circles. i am not complaining because i do this to myself. the low humming of creativity and curiosity keeps me a flutter. i believe i have outlets that i know work for me.
music. it saves me and it fascinates me as i have no musical talent of my own. i am always more interested in things i cannot do. it holds mystery and magic still. unlike art which now is a series of illusions and tricks and politics to me. well not entirely but its difficult when you can name the technique or can see a flaw.
i am obsessive, and i need space to let that roam and music is endless in that regard. tons for me to discover and let ooze into my skull. it invokes visuals and movement and language all at once. my artwork ebbs and flows this way. my hands move to the rhythm of the track playing and i compose to a beat. so being engulfed in this music that is pulling heart strings, waking me up, taking me to sleep, inspiring my work, humming my life. thus i have not written. the lyrics are doing that job. i am creating not typing.
if ramble i with words, i meander with images.
and just suck the life out of music.
i am addicted to it. i am in love with it. it is keeping me sane in times where i feel like i am not. it is driving me to find my universe that works for me. i can construct it. the real world beckons occasionally but i never like what it has to say.
i have been putting my head down and holding my breath. its difficult to hold on without result. without the blue ribbon. without the ridiculously large check. but the low humming tells me different. it purrs: there is light within me. i am one of those people. i will get the life i want. i must remind myself sometimes. my bad memory and rambling mind can get the best of me.
9/2/09
video: the kills 'last day of magic'
i have a thing for this, i can't put my finger on it. press play.
9/1/09
idea: re-up
so i love my lil baby here, phd, so i am thinking of some changes. a re-up to give her the due she is credited. but also making it a bit more interesting.
i don't like to repeat myself. i like to say it right and once.
though it does seem that a lot of my posts seem to land upon similar thoughts, but varying angles. this is all just the inner workings of my brain trying to make everything make some sort of sense. i can see the connections once its all laid out in front of me. which means, this thing is going to be made up of more smaller parts. similar to what is like now with the variety of post categories but more fun to play with.
i am unbelievably random and curious and excitable and obsessive and completely out of my mind but i think a touch of my craziness would be beneficial to you. if nothing else, it will make me feel better to get all of this out of my head. i have a constant streams of music, melodies, quotes, references, facts, comedy, inflections, dialogues, memories, analysis, images bouncing around, melding together, trying to connect the dots of why they have left an imprint on me.
maybe this is why i forget things. but i digress...
to put it succinctly, expect to see some changes round here.
that is if you are watching.
i don't like to repeat myself. i like to say it right and once.
though it does seem that a lot of my posts seem to land upon similar thoughts, but varying angles. this is all just the inner workings of my brain trying to make everything make some sort of sense. i can see the connections once its all laid out in front of me. which means, this thing is going to be made up of more smaller parts. similar to what is like now with the variety of post categories but more fun to play with.
i am unbelievably random and curious and excitable and obsessive and completely out of my mind but i think a touch of my craziness would be beneficial to you. if nothing else, it will make me feel better to get all of this out of my head. i have a constant streams of music, melodies, quotes, references, facts, comedy, inflections, dialogues, memories, analysis, images bouncing around, melding together, trying to connect the dots of why they have left an imprint on me.
maybe this is why i forget things. but i digress...
to put it succinctly, expect to see some changes round here.
that is if you are watching.
8/30/09
rambling: rainy days
i love it when it rains. everything about it. the sound, the smell, the bluish gray of the sky. and especially when i have rainy day music to accompany it. acoustic guitars, pianos, and strings are made for days like today.
its a slow one today, one because the rain but mainly because of last night. remember what i said about limits, well the same applies to drinking. and being with people that have been drinking a decade longer than me, well you get the idea. but i did have fun.
nice to come out of seclusion for awhile.
i do think i have worked out what my next venture is going to be. oh, thats right i never told you. i have launched my work site. [www.minamade.wordpress.com]
its my portfolio but also where i will be posting all the new work i produce. i am going to try for a post a week. so if you are interested, feel free to venture over.
but i am feeling pretty good as of late, which is a weird state for me. i am not used to feeling happy. especially not consistently. this state of calm is making my skin crawl and itch. i try not to think about it though, but i know its coming.
what 'it' is, i'm not sure but its coming for sure. thankfully though, i have truly learned how to roll with the punches, but that don't mean that initial hit doesn't sting. i have just given up on trying to be prepared for it.
eff it.
i don't like doing pointless things and that is truly pointless. i'm on a mission to enjoy my life, in all its ridiculousness.
makes me think of a line from the boosh: [vince and howard sit on a deserted island] h: 'oh see, you've fallen into the trap.' v:'what, the trap of enjoying my life?'
i will adjust i think, even to happiness, because i want to be able to recognize this feeling when i am lucky enough to be in it.
like now. sitting here, eating grits, listening to music, on a rainy day.
its a slow one today, one because the rain but mainly because of last night. remember what i said about limits, well the same applies to drinking. and being with people that have been drinking a decade longer than me, well you get the idea. but i did have fun.
nice to come out of seclusion for awhile.
i do think i have worked out what my next venture is going to be. oh, thats right i never told you. i have launched my work site. [www.minamade.wordpress.com]
its my portfolio but also where i will be posting all the new work i produce. i am going to try for a post a week. so if you are interested, feel free to venture over.
but i am feeling pretty good as of late, which is a weird state for me. i am not used to feeling happy. especially not consistently. this state of calm is making my skin crawl and itch. i try not to think about it though, but i know its coming.
what 'it' is, i'm not sure but its coming for sure. thankfully though, i have truly learned how to roll with the punches, but that don't mean that initial hit doesn't sting. i have just given up on trying to be prepared for it.
eff it.
i don't like doing pointless things and that is truly pointless. i'm on a mission to enjoy my life, in all its ridiculousness.
makes me think of a line from the boosh: [vince and howard sit on a deserted island] h: 'oh see, you've fallen into the trap.' v:'what, the trap of enjoying my life?'
i will adjust i think, even to happiness, because i want to be able to recognize this feeling when i am lucky enough to be in it.
like now. sitting here, eating grits, listening to music, on a rainy day.
8/28/09
performances: mika
i love him. so adorable. i didn't realize how many of his songs i already knew. the power of commercials. his voice is epic [he's a trained opera singer] and reminiscent of some people. listen to the lyrics, he gives one of them away. also some elton, prince, george michael. but seriously, he sounds like himself.
think of a ringmaster. thats as dynamic internally as he is externally. a half american, half lebanese refugee paris/london raised french fluent dyslexic, singer, songwriter, artist, pianist, middle child of five who seems so willing to laugh at himself and put on a glitter doused show worthy of candyland. quite simply its fun but yet there are cogs turning underneath. i like it, a living breathing walking contradiction. a beautiful ambitious artistic mess.
rambling: limits
i've been quiet lately. due to current circumstance my days are filled with the constant rotation of priorities. these tend to override everything because i zone out. i am tethered to my computer at all times. even as i sleep, she sits nearby playing me into my nightly passing out. i have music as my silence and my digital realm replaces the real world. i am in my own universe where i control the music, audio, video, news, everything. the puppeteer.
in this existence, i find that food and sleep become bothersome reminders of my humanity and nothing more. i don't want to step away, i might miss something! i already feel as if i am missing so much by being stuck here in the first place, so why would i sleep? i could be designing, writing, applying to jobs, reading up and adding to my lists of adventures. there is a level of comfort here as i am allowed these indulgences. my sister warned me of becoming too comfortable, to which i replied i am never satisfied.
and even as 'when doves cry' began to play in my head, i knew that it is true. i want everything all the time, even from myself. i push it. i push myself. and i began to wonder where and why. where does this come from? and why do i do this to myself?
the where may be from my competitive nature. of wanting to know more, and be more. hubristic indeed but it keeps me on my toes because i know i will never achieve such a ridiculous goal. knowing that failure is inevitable frees me from expectation. i can seek out whatever i fancy because it is purely innocent, with the only ambition being knowledge. not to usurp someone.
secondly it comes from this idea that i think i have it within me to push out of this energy and light into the world. that is for my own sake and hopefully the betterment of others that i do so, and thereby, i will receive some back. i will be replenished by all that is being taken from me. so obviously, i take this to its natural conclusions or limits. i push harder. i give more. selfishly seeking approval and reward for my efforts. though inevitably always feeling satisfied with my efforts in the end even without outside compliment. i have learned how to give some of it back to me by working so hard that i begin not to care what others think.
the biggest critic is me. so i push myself to please her. not them. she is unrelenting and knows how to call me on my flaws & bullshit. i cannot lie or hide. thus, when i work to my physical limits i am proving somehow to her, to me that i am doing what is necessary. that i am creating something worthy of my own compliment. which tends to mean that it takes longer cuz i am nothing if i am not indecisive.
i am never done. which someone recently told me is the sign of a true artist. i understand why they are so typically frustrated. perpetually taunted and haunted by their work. flaws in the work are like hangnails that are too short to clip but just long enough to cause a bother.
i could feel my body fighting back today. she made me lay low but couldn't break my hold on the computer. i have too much to do and accomplish to not be but at least i did eat and sleep more.
i am trying to find a balance between this nervous creative energy that is created by bouncing against my boundaries and actually falling off the deep end. listening to iamx non stop is helping. he is the master of schizo artistic living. his journey typifies certain aspects of my personality as well. kindred spirits in some ways cuz i just understand what he means.
its funny when you realize you are an artist and you are not standing in overalls, covered in paint with your hair in bun, chewing the end of a fan brush, fussing over the trees in the corner of your landscape.
artist means more than that. its a state of mind. but i am itching to create again. im getting my workspace together, making sure my eyes don't fall out of my skull first, that i can become gainfully employed so i can get supplies, and obviously need a concept. a loose one at best just to get me going.
but my limits are something i like to play with because i do live in a 'why not' kind of way. right now its physical, mental, emotional, artistic all at once. being shook up everyday with the ebb and flow of emails, phone calls, networking, applications, conversations, rejections, compliments, and in the end, i am back where i started.
me and my computer. seeking out new sounds of salvation and connection. my ears burn from all the music i am pumping into my skull. its my sanity. my constant kick in the head to stay the course, to keep pushing. my soundtrack to this time is evident.
i owe chris corner a thank you note.
it will all make sense eventually. til then, he said it best: "there's an open window/ and i can go through/ to the life of others/ there's nothing i can't do...you can be happy."
night.
in this existence, i find that food and sleep become bothersome reminders of my humanity and nothing more. i don't want to step away, i might miss something! i already feel as if i am missing so much by being stuck here in the first place, so why would i sleep? i could be designing, writing, applying to jobs, reading up and adding to my lists of adventures. there is a level of comfort here as i am allowed these indulgences. my sister warned me of becoming too comfortable, to which i replied i am never satisfied.
and even as 'when doves cry' began to play in my head, i knew that it is true. i want everything all the time, even from myself. i push it. i push myself. and i began to wonder where and why. where does this come from? and why do i do this to myself?
the where may be from my competitive nature. of wanting to know more, and be more. hubristic indeed but it keeps me on my toes because i know i will never achieve such a ridiculous goal. knowing that failure is inevitable frees me from expectation. i can seek out whatever i fancy because it is purely innocent, with the only ambition being knowledge. not to usurp someone.
secondly it comes from this idea that i think i have it within me to push out of this energy and light into the world. that is for my own sake and hopefully the betterment of others that i do so, and thereby, i will receive some back. i will be replenished by all that is being taken from me. so obviously, i take this to its natural conclusions or limits. i push harder. i give more. selfishly seeking approval and reward for my efforts. though inevitably always feeling satisfied with my efforts in the end even without outside compliment. i have learned how to give some of it back to me by working so hard that i begin not to care what others think.
the biggest critic is me. so i push myself to please her. not them. she is unrelenting and knows how to call me on my flaws & bullshit. i cannot lie or hide. thus, when i work to my physical limits i am proving somehow to her, to me that i am doing what is necessary. that i am creating something worthy of my own compliment. which tends to mean that it takes longer cuz i am nothing if i am not indecisive.
i am never done. which someone recently told me is the sign of a true artist. i understand why they are so typically frustrated. perpetually taunted and haunted by their work. flaws in the work are like hangnails that are too short to clip but just long enough to cause a bother.
i could feel my body fighting back today. she made me lay low but couldn't break my hold on the computer. i have too much to do and accomplish to not be but at least i did eat and sleep more.
i am trying to find a balance between this nervous creative energy that is created by bouncing against my boundaries and actually falling off the deep end. listening to iamx non stop is helping. he is the master of schizo artistic living. his journey typifies certain aspects of my personality as well. kindred spirits in some ways cuz i just understand what he means.
its funny when you realize you are an artist and you are not standing in overalls, covered in paint with your hair in bun, chewing the end of a fan brush, fussing over the trees in the corner of your landscape.
artist means more than that. its a state of mind. but i am itching to create again. im getting my workspace together, making sure my eyes don't fall out of my skull first, that i can become gainfully employed so i can get supplies, and obviously need a concept. a loose one at best just to get me going.
but my limits are something i like to play with because i do live in a 'why not' kind of way. right now its physical, mental, emotional, artistic all at once. being shook up everyday with the ebb and flow of emails, phone calls, networking, applications, conversations, rejections, compliments, and in the end, i am back where i started.
me and my computer. seeking out new sounds of salvation and connection. my ears burn from all the music i am pumping into my skull. its my sanity. my constant kick in the head to stay the course, to keep pushing. my soundtrack to this time is evident.
i owe chris corner a thank you note.
it will all make sense eventually. til then, he said it best: "there's an open window/ and i can go through/ to the life of others/ there's nothing i can't do...you can be happy."
night.
8/23/09
throwback: white stripes "seven nation army"
so much my aesthetic and still one of those videos i remember the first time i saw it. and the songs a fav too so that's a plus!
8/19/09
quickie: faith
so i am sitting downtown, laptop in my lap obviously, and i have been working hard all day for nothing. nothing in the sense of no monetary compensation. my volunteer work this summer has keep my design sensibilities firing but also introduced me to some really cool people. i like them, they are sweet, and they like me & my sensibility & skill. i have people coming to me for my skill instead me coming to them for their money. how cool is that! also there may be a cool development in the works that i will share more about later but if it works out...honey. lemme tell ya, i will dance a jig. i swear.
so i am thinking bout faith. we ride on it like a horse. we count on it like numbers. we live by it like law. but it is so enigmatic and untouchable but yet one of the most powerful forces driving so many lives. so many decisions. is it stupid? no.
its just the cushion we give ourselves to do what we want and/or need to do without fear. because of this invisible force field of faith we are invincible. risky behavior but shoot even breathing these days can get you killed.
faith is something that i think can be abused much like anything in the world but when used with respect & purity of heart, mind, and conscience then believe me you won't regret it, come what may.
so i am thinking bout faith. we ride on it like a horse. we count on it like numbers. we live by it like law. but it is so enigmatic and untouchable but yet one of the most powerful forces driving so many lives. so many decisions. is it stupid? no.
its just the cushion we give ourselves to do what we want and/or need to do without fear. because of this invisible force field of faith we are invincible. risky behavior but shoot even breathing these days can get you killed.
faith is something that i think can be abused much like anything in the world but when used with respect & purity of heart, mind, and conscience then believe me you won't regret it, come what may.
8/12/09
8/8/09
rambling: honest thoughts at 4 a.m.
sometimes i worry myself with how broken i can feel. i teeter on this boundary and i never really noticed how much i sway until now. i am extremist, wholly confused but seemingly refusing to be broken. i'm all contradictions, ironies, paradoxes, juxtapositions. a maze within a puzzle with an upside down question mark.
all tangled up and not knowing which is truly the right perspective even from the inside looking out.
i can't even trust my own mind to show things properly. i see what i want to see, and i assume we all do but mine seems to work against me. so bloody optimistic at times that i am broken by the most obvious fall. but yet still unwilling to become jaded.
i don't want to be like them.
the one thing that never seems to cease is that rebellion. i feel like i have been fighting against a 'them' all my life. an abstract floating feeling of opposition that takes substantial form from time to time. call it a gun, a clock, a pulse, whatever it is it keeps me alert to not becoming ordinary. to not box myself. to not be what people assume. never that. but yet i still wish to be understood and accepted.
to be connected to a group of people that know what i mean.
in these uncertain times in my life and the world at large, i am learning a lot. i am in a 'ain't got nothing to loose' phase. i have yet to get truly personal on here for my own timidity and not wanting to expose so much to the slight audience that i have but i feel as if i am warranted my honesty. i am allowed to bear my soul if i feel like it because to me that's where it all starts for someone like me.
all the people i admire, they are honest with themselves. that does not mean that there is no guilt or shame but there is the freedom of saying this is true, this is me, these are my actions and so be it.
i have come to terms with a lot of things about myself internally but have yet to write them because i know that i cannot lie when i write. what comes out of me is straight from dome to language and is something i cannot easily take back or forget.
so what do i want to explore? i was talking about my rebellion streak. i think i have been going through my life trying to buck the system i was born into. meaning my family of course. being the last in line of seven is rough. the expectations mount to the point of crushing. not to mention the endless lines of advice that pile up in your ears.
i ran from it by living in my own head and thoughts. i ran into music. i ran into writing, to drawing. but i needed a place where even they couldn't follow me. my sexuality was all mine. and if you know me well, you that i am unashamedly still pure and intact at now, 22 years old. but here's the contradiction, i've been sexually aware since i was at least 11. i cannot remember the exact age but it will suffice to say i cannot remember not having this be part of my consciousness.
it made me feel guilty at first but now it has grown into a major part of me that i tend to keep inside because it is unsettling for some to think of me in any way other than their little precious pure sister or friend. they know what sex can do to people and they want the best for me and are convinced it has yet to find me.
and i agree now after having thought i had found my match and realizing it wasn't the case. i wanted it to be and that was the problem. i let someone suck away two years of my life because i couldn't see past the smile, the big brown eyes, the voice and the way we just seemed to click unlike anything i had ever felt. i let all the bullshit go because of those feelings and though i got hurt worse than I even like to admit, i still don't regret it.
maybe this is just me protecting myself, or its me rebelling again, but i don't want to be another woman that was ruined by a man. that cannot let go and move on because of the actions of one. i refuse to let him control me anymore because he lost that right. he lost the right to have someone like me at his will and from what i can tell, its his lost, not mine. i can say that i finally gotten him out of my system as much as i think i can in this short amount of time. its been about three months now and i cannot remember what his voice sounded like. the images still flow through me like water but that is something time will surely take care of.
and what i know is that i miss feeling connected to someone more than anything. because even through his jerk tendencies, that sucker did get me. ironically, i almost hated him for it. to lose your mystery to someone you don't feel like you can fully trust is frustrating.
being with him was a consistent tug of war between us but also within myself. i think that is why i feel like he took so much from me. the material things, though it stings a bit, doesn't sting as much as all the emotional upheaval. i think our relationship was like gettin' injured as a kid. the first cut is exciting, the unfamiliarity, a bit of pain, and lots of attention to this new found wound. its catered to healed, allowed to breathe and then bandaged up all pretty for everyone to see and ogle at. then the bandage gets worn, messy and pulling it off long and slow hurts like a bitch. pulling out hairs one by one. you just gotta hold your breath til its over. well i'm breathing easy again and done picking at scabs. its all new skin.
this past year was probably the most stressful of my life thus far. being in and getting out of a relationship like that, trying to graduate from college, being broke and starving, learning of my penchant for drinking and actually being able to whenever i wanted, playing as hard as i worked, not talking to family nearly as much as i should've, being uprooted from the life i knew and brought back into the one i had run from in the first place, job searching in a horrible economy, all of a sudden friendless, family dependent, without an escape.
my rebellious streak is glowing red. i want to run. i want to uproot myself to the other side of the world and start over. to let go of the heartache from all this change and reboot.
it doesn't help that those i admire have been able to do as such, egging me on. saying yes this is possible, fight for it. you can live that life. stop living vicariously and just live.
vicarious living is an art of mine because it keeps me sane. i cannot have everything i want so i play it out in my mind. without this i would have given up long ago i think. it is the only way i don't feel caged. and its the fuel to my fire to make these things real.
i cannot be sated this way. but until then its pulling me a little to the extreme. making me a little insane with questioning of everything that i want to do, choices that are now choices. like do i want children? part of me screams no for the first time ever. i had never questioned this before. could i leave my home? definitely, but i couldn't not come back though. that would be like betrayal to me.
i want to run. i want to be unusual and unlike anything that they are used to. and if this forces me to be alone then so be it. if this forces me into awkwardness, to me, its adventure.
i am being honest with myself. and as much as i can want these things, i know you do not always get what you want. but thankfully or regretfully, i am a fighter. even if it hurts, i will fight for what i want.
[and right now, in no particular order whatsoever, i want:
berlin
london
tokyo
prague
new york
san fransisco
color
light
adventure
style
freedom
love
sensuality
decadence
history
value
language
architecture
film
food
sweetness
wine
liquor
pain
control
energy
music
electricity
thunderstorms
smoke
laughter
acknowledgment
understanding
excitement
movement]
for lack of a better word or phrasing, i want life.
8/6/09
admiration: hatch in san fransisco
their work is amazing and its in one of my dream cities. check them out at hatchsf.com and this to me is absolute brilliance...
their 'hatchling' jaqk cellars.
it is so well designed and clever i can't take it!
8/5/09
rambling: manifesto talk
there is too much stuff in the world.
so where does that position a person, like me, whose want is to be an artist who by definition must create. thereby adding to all that stuff. these times as they stand right now call for ingenuity and creative thought. we need our artists. we need our creative minds. but as one of those oh so needed people, i find myself in an awkward position.
i don't want to add to the bullshit, the chaos, the darkness, the trends. i want timelessness. but can that be achieved in a world of entitlement and instant upgrades?
we want everything and we want it now. i prefer the simpler times when artists could take their time. but working and living now is changing my views on why i create. i want to take something that already exists and make it better, make it new, make it art.
energy is never destroyed, only transferred.
i seek to open people's mind to possibilities. i believe in the why not and in the surprise of holding something so dear that came from the most unlikely of sources. i want value in a transient world but also want that transience to allow my work to spread.
pieces of light, goodness, altruism, of escape. i want that for my work, in whatever form it make take.
there is too much stuff in the world. so if i'm going to add to it, i need to be able to back up my reasons.
so where does that position a person, like me, whose want is to be an artist who by definition must create. thereby adding to all that stuff. these times as they stand right now call for ingenuity and creative thought. we need our artists. we need our creative minds. but as one of those oh so needed people, i find myself in an awkward position.
i don't want to add to the bullshit, the chaos, the darkness, the trends. i want timelessness. but can that be achieved in a world of entitlement and instant upgrades?
we want everything and we want it now. i prefer the simpler times when artists could take their time. but working and living now is changing my views on why i create. i want to take something that already exists and make it better, make it new, make it art.
energy is never destroyed, only transferred.
i seek to open people's mind to possibilities. i believe in the why not and in the surprise of holding something so dear that came from the most unlikely of sources. i want value in a transient world but also want that transience to allow my work to spread.
pieces of light, goodness, altruism, of escape. i want that for my work, in whatever form it make take.
there is too much stuff in the world. so if i'm going to add to it, i need to be able to back up my reasons.
8/4/09
8/2/09
admittance: i miss st. louis
i always remembered the statement my brother made to me about this city, it made him a man, he grew up there. i figured i would have a similar experience because that is what college is all about. yeah, get the degree and all that but you really might wanna know who you are by the time you finish...so yeah good luck!
i didn't know how it was gonna happen. if it was going to be one big event or smaller ones strewn together but i could feel it as every time i came home i felt more like myself, with myself. standing on my own feet not on the backs of my siblings. i was living for me, being wholly selfish. well not wholly but pretty much and it was nice.
so now that i am looking back on college with the rose colored foggy haze of retrospective this is what i see: some friends gained for life, a stitched up heart, countless stories, lines of empty liquor bottles, wasteful decadence, fearless almost stubborn independence being fought for in all the most hilarious sometimes dangerous ways.
and st. louis was the backdrop to all of this change.
it will always be the place where i met some of the best people i have ever met, where i fell head over heels in love for the first time, where i had my heart broken and bruised, where i became an insomniac car-less careless impatient pedestrian who would walk miles rather than wait, where i would cry to relieve the stress, where i drank til i couldn't feel it anymore, where i could get lost in my music and my thoughts, where salvation was one door knock away.
i became the best and worst versions of myself there and i do not regret my journey to either side. my addictive personality and rampant curiosity would take me there naturally but st. louis gave me the environment i needed to finally flourish. to give in to all, well the majority, of my impulses and not feel ashamed. i finally had people that wouldn't look at me oddly for it...even if they didn't understand, they got it. my surrogate family, who shifted and changed over the four years, nestled me without touch with the belief that they would never expect me to be more or less than what i already was. i was already their sister, point blank.
do you know how freeing that is? that is the keys to the castle, that's giving curious george the keys to the city. i already had a family that would love me regardless but they already had the presumption of knowing who i was and what i was going to do, you know since they knew me from birth. but this family knew me from my eighteen year old realization of who i was. there was some discrepancy for sure but the essence was pure.
i was free to explore, to do damage, to push myself to highest and i do mean highest places as well as the lowest. it was scary in there some times. prime example, i remember vividly bursting into tears while trying to write an email, after receiving some good news, and had my then beau look completely astonished and worried at me. through all his questions, i still didn't really have an answer from where all this was coming from. it was like my body and my mind had subdivided so they could operate separately. odd situations like this would happen, frequently the more stressed i got. with all this subdivision popping up, the people who knew me best worried and i just tried to focus. i did have a degree to get after all.
so now, i feel like it was all worth it. i want to know everything about myself because it is the only thing in this world i can ever know completely. so i set my curiosity on myself, consistently pushing what i think i can and will do. what i'm capable of, what my real boundaries are and what ones had i adopted.
but this is difficult to maintain in the present. adulthood beckons in the most traditional sense and i have things i must do. and there must be a balance. there has to be a middle ground between wanting to be a housewife and a gypsy. because both are true to me. i am thinking i will live both lives before i die or at least that is the goal because i do get bored easily and what i figure is this: i always want to have that retrospect, no matter how hazy or foggy. i want to remember being fearless, i want to remember living and loving without regret no matter how much it hurt, i want to remember living for my instincts and impulses.
i want to remember that i lived not existed.
and right now, i can. all because of st. louis...but that was a chapter.
photo: all my favorites
my favorite colors, use of texture, beautifully composed and well lit. ah, i wanna art direct.
small things: sunlight
[i could work here forever, some stylistic changes obviously]
i don't know if its because im a child of the bright sunny summers of the south or if it because i'm a leo but sunlight effects more than just what shade of brown my skin is on a particular day. i realized this up at school in the schizo weather of st. louis. the dark dank days there made me crave southern light, made me fantasize of the mythic light of florence and greece. i had to suffice with light colored sweaters, scarfs, and accessories to bring the color back into my world.
they really do effect your mood, you know? colors that is.
there is actual proof!
but i digress. sunlight. the beginning of all this color, and everything is making me happy these days. if the sun comes out, oh that makes the day. without fail. people truly underestimate that i think. try it out, just sit outside or even in a light filled room, breathe deep and smile. its like being saved, if i knew what that felt like i would suppose it is similar. its something about the mix of the abstract and tactile. you feel the light but can't touch it. it just surrounds you effortlessly. like a maternal hug.
can i read too much in to something? yes, but what fun is writing down all these musings if you aren't truly decadent, indulgent, and completely full of it! i like this version of myself, she doesn't hold back.
7/28/09
if i had disposable income: wishlist
a well designed album, purse, book, and sneaker....
what more could a girl wish for?
7/27/09
decision: berlin, germany
i want to go to this place and the reasoning is partly captured in this image. the old and new all mashed together. its so unexpected and strange. but just the idea of berlin, germany being a cultural, artist, youth mecca is unexpected. it is also cheap, environmentally aware, and perpetually stuck in a cycle of not being a powerhouse city like paris and london. its an alternative that i want to experience before i am thirty. and if you know me, you know that if i have made a decision, its happening.
7/23/09
cult classic: hedwig and the angry inch 2001
the music gets stuck every time i watch it. its reached rocky horror status and the story gripping enough as it is...hedwig, a east german transgendered rock singer trying to find retribution in more ways than one. this one is my favorite for sure. [oh and the man who plays hedwig, wrote the musical, then the film as his debut.]
meet: chris corner / iamx
my new favorite person. iamx [pronounced i-am-x] is a beautiful beast that i found through my burgeoning anglophilia. its getting ridiculous really. i can trace how i ended up here but i still cannot remember what sparked it. it was reawakened [ it began in high school with coldplay] by russell to the boosh to chris corner / iamx.
its the related videos effect. and i love it.
but the man above here is difficult to explain in all the right ways but what clicked in my head when trying to put my visual references together was prince meets trent reznor. but he is his own force of music and art that i am having a ball discovering.
so besides me liking the music and his mesmerizing quality, what is it that makes me like him?
his seeming schizophrenic bounce between his two personas though both are equally intriguing to me. he oozes creativity, movement, theatricality, a stellar voice, emotional lyrics, beautifully aggressive music but above all that its the attitude.
the decadence of honesty and not giving a fuck. press play.
[be aware that his music tends to involve sensuality, sexuality, bisexuality, drugs, addiction, emotional/psychological turmoil, rebellion, if u can't really dig that then disregard.]
missile of off debut "kiss & swallow" in 2004
[told u he was kinky, and that was his girlfriend at the time btw]
spit it out off second release "the alternative" in 2006
[yep, that's her again, sue denim. check her out below in my fav two tracks by her group robots in disguise.]
turn it up from their second album "get rid!"
[chris produced all of their albums and yes, that is the noel fielding at the beginning, and in the hitcher outfit with julian barratt]
the tears from "we're in the music biz" from 2008
[oh yeah, noel is dating the other girl, dee plume. they tend to play 'the girls' in the boosh. i told u its all connected!]
okay i feel better now. i feel like a concept is formulating.
7/22/09
throwback: incubus "megalomaniac" 2003
because someone i know told me they had yet to see it. for u.
and well its a great video...ballerina hitler. nuff said.
rambling: returning
i clearly have not been writing for a while. i think i got busy but i also just couldn't bring myself to type out some of my thoughts because they were kind of depressing and didn't have anything to push them back towards the light. i think it was that i wasn't feeling any push in any direction.
just stagnant.
and when things are stagnant, it basically feels like i'm falling.
so now i am feeling quite better but i am starting to feel like i got to take care of child i created here with philiadose. it wasn't just for filling my time its to help me to hone in on what exactly i am doing.
in life, that is, in general.
i am gonna try to return to the passion and drive i felt when pursuing my degree. i'm gonna get there i know but i loose my resolve just like everyone else and i just shut down. so here is to returning to being who i want to be not who circumstance dictates that i should be.
eff a recession. imma get mine.
just stagnant.
and when things are stagnant, it basically feels like i'm falling.
so now i am feeling quite better but i am starting to feel like i got to take care of child i created here with philiadose. it wasn't just for filling my time its to help me to hone in on what exactly i am doing.
in life, that is, in general.
i am gonna try to return to the passion and drive i felt when pursuing my degree. i'm gonna get there i know but i loose my resolve just like everyone else and i just shut down. so here is to returning to being who i want to be not who circumstance dictates that i should be.
eff a recession. imma get mine.
6/30/09
verbatim: 'talk' coldplay
[Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me
So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done
So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk]
exactly how i feel. cute vid too.
6/18/09
idea: 'get in tune with who you are'
maybe this is why i'm an insomniac. its the only time its quiet enough for me to listen. the more i do this, the more the rhythm is becoming clear. maybe once its loud enough, it will soothe me to sleep.
performance: songs currently in my head
i have got to make it to a rock concert, as soon as humanly possible.
meet: diane birch
she's new to me and probably to you too but i swear she has been here before... in a good way though. press play.
6/16/09
idea: idealism
sometimes i feel so stupid for my wide eyed beliefs but i have yet to let them go. i have been to the brink of all that i know, to the point of not being able to recognize myself and yet still see the good. i can still sing my own praises though i know how screwed up i can be. and this goes for many other people i know.
i think what truly bothers me isn't how idealistic that may sound, its the people who are unaware that kills me as well as the people who are aware and use it as a get outta jail free card for life. they choose to be victims of their flaws or use them as excuses to be lesser versions of themselves.
ideally what should be the case is to be aware of the flaws as well as the praiseworthy and combine the two into a complete self. actively change the things you don't like and own up when these things cause problems. admittance and ownership is strength.
thats being an adult. thats growth.
and since i know we are more vicious to ourselves than to anyone else, start there. learn to see the good, by starting with forgiveness, which begets acceptance and will yield a more unified whole. hows the saying go, 'a house divided...'
idealism isn't foolish, its a necessary buffer.
we can choose what we believe, and i am a full believer of seeing the good in people because it reminds me of the good within myself. that reflection gives me hope; that i am connected to an endless chain of reflected beams of good. aw, i am soo full of it sometimes.
6/9/09
idea: curiosity
curiosity is the seed of adventure. ask questions, deviate from plans, don't even set them. stepping one foot out the door is the beginning of one helluva story if you aren't scared. fear is useless remember, all that matters is the experience. string these together and you get life.
6/8/09
reasoning: clive owen
i try to be a woman of my word when i can, so i will explain yet another one of my crushes. i may have forgotten to list him before but it should be implied at this point because he surely fits my mold [dark hair, scruffy, pretty eyes, virile yet vulnerable, talented, and an added bonus, he's british].
well he shows you better than i could articulate why he is a formidable force in two of the most powerful and engaging movies i have ever seen.
firstly, there is bent. the movie is based off of a play, that tells the story of two homosexual men during the holocaust. clive's character, max, is a self professed "horrible person" who meets horst on the train on the way to dachau. after horst gives him advice on how to survive, max seeks his friendship to the point of bribing a guard to put them on the same job: the mind-numbing work of rotating piles of rocks for no apparent reason. it is meant to drive them mad, and horst doesn't take too kindly to the arrangement...at first. the attraction they feel towards each other culminates on one hot summer day while on their 3 minute break that allows them to stand still at about face, they find a way to make love.
as a person who lives for language and is sensitive and aware enough to feel without touch, i appreciated this but also as a lover of actors. they commit and take you on this journey with them.
[so they it off youtube but its brilliant.]
secondly, is closer which is also a play, where clive played dan. this movie introduced me to him and proved natalie portman to be a beast in small packaging. two other well acted scenes where two actors are sparring with one another, totally committed to their roles and taking you with them. clive plays larry who has just been dumped by his wife, anna played by julia roberts for dan played by jude law who left alice played by natalie.
it is a circle of deceit, pain, and love that rips at these people and leads to some fantastically brutally honest dialogue. its the language, the body movement, the look in their eyes. here he is in two of my favorite scenes where he expresses the intense pain of losing someone the way only a man could.
he plays complex tortured characters so well, the lovable brute.
one fascination down, many more to go.
well he shows you better than i could articulate why he is a formidable force in two of the most powerful and engaging movies i have ever seen.
firstly, there is bent. the movie is based off of a play, that tells the story of two homosexual men during the holocaust. clive's character, max, is a self professed "horrible person" who meets horst on the train on the way to dachau. after horst gives him advice on how to survive, max seeks his friendship to the point of bribing a guard to put them on the same job: the mind-numbing work of rotating piles of rocks for no apparent reason. it is meant to drive them mad, and horst doesn't take too kindly to the arrangement...at first. the attraction they feel towards each other culminates on one hot summer day while on their 3 minute break that allows them to stand still at about face, they find a way to make love.
as a person who lives for language and is sensitive and aware enough to feel without touch, i appreciated this but also as a lover of actors. they commit and take you on this journey with them.
[so they it off youtube but its brilliant.]
secondly, is closer which is also a play, where clive played dan. this movie introduced me to him and proved natalie portman to be a beast in small packaging. two other well acted scenes where two actors are sparring with one another, totally committed to their roles and taking you with them. clive plays larry who has just been dumped by his wife, anna played by julia roberts for dan played by jude law who left alice played by natalie.
it is a circle of deceit, pain, and love that rips at these people and leads to some fantastically brutally honest dialogue. its the language, the body movement, the look in their eyes. here he is in two of my favorite scenes where he expresses the intense pain of losing someone the way only a man could.
he plays complex tortured characters so well, the lovable brute.
one fascination down, many more to go.
6/6/09
idea: silliness
people underestimate the power of silliness. i don't know if its all the comedy i have been watching or babysitting for extended periods of time, i am finding that i am naturally a goofball. i mean i have actually laughed so much that i was sore for two days [a russell brand marathon of my own creation on youtube was to blame].
what i notice about the people i admire and find truly hilarious is that they are uninhibitedly silly. still youthful and innocent, wide-eyed, knowingly crude or lewd but without fear, charismatic, and use language for sheer comedic purpose. call it random, i call it hilarious.
the improvisation of it all is what i love, because it takes a lot to string together thoughts that quickly into something witty and coherent, well for the most part anyway. its like being on the inside of a joke watching someone's brain move that quickly. you can see it in their eyes and the sort of giddy yet orgasmic release of receiving the laugh. i understand the freedom a comedian must feel on stage and seek it but without all the bright lights.
it takes bravery to laugh and joke when everyone else scowls. we need our clowns, and even more than that we have to respect them. not everyone can do what they do and if you don't like it, lighten up or look away.
tap into your so-called childish instinct of silly. you'll be laughing so hard you won't even notice you've let go.
what i notice about the people i admire and find truly hilarious is that they are uninhibitedly silly. still youthful and innocent, wide-eyed, knowingly crude or lewd but without fear, charismatic, and use language for sheer comedic purpose. call it random, i call it hilarious.
the improvisation of it all is what i love, because it takes a lot to string together thoughts that quickly into something witty and coherent, well for the most part anyway. its like being on the inside of a joke watching someone's brain move that quickly. you can see it in their eyes and the sort of giddy yet orgasmic release of receiving the laugh. i understand the freedom a comedian must feel on stage and seek it but without all the bright lights.
it takes bravery to laugh and joke when everyone else scowls. we need our clowns, and even more than that we have to respect them. not everyone can do what they do and if you don't like it, lighten up or look away.
tap into your so-called childish instinct of silly. you'll be laughing so hard you won't even notice you've let go.
inspiration: all american rejects "move along"
[move along, just to make it through]
one of my favorite videos all time. i am realizing how much i really like them and though my hope isn't completely gone, it still wavers. so where or what to move along to?
6/3/09
tv: palladia hd
music is at its best when it is live. even if you don't like the crowded sweatiness that tends to typify a good concert, there is something mystical about connecting with an artist and thousands of others, singing in harmony, its like love on crack. spastic, unrelentless and leaving you wanting more.
with this station you get the experience without spending a dime as they air live concerts all day it seems. in the interim they show very few commercials and music videos. and its all in high definition. so far i have been in attendance for an amazing coldplay show in japan, dave matthews band in atlanta, hard rock calling festival ft. john mayer, jason mraz, kd tunstall, the bangles, robert palmer, eric clapton, sheryl crow, and the police in London, all american rejects in st. paul, and maroon 5 in montreal.
for some bands this is the only way you should even experience their music because recording does not do them justice. i have a growing list of people i want to see live, not via palladia, because i know that there is one helluva show to be experienced.
go to a concert, even if you don't know the artist that well. i don't know about you but i love seeing people in their element.
5/27/09
rambling: creative soulmate
i seek connection. interaction. collaboration. genuine love. i find myself envying those who have found the people in their lives that serve these purposes.
my problem?
i was born into a klan of sorts, lucky number seven i am, and we are close. my best friend has always been my sister, thus i am cursed it seems to search for surrogates.
miraculously enough i have tasted what it feels like to be with soul mates. yes, soul mates. and they have no blood relation to me. i am lucky, remember?
but i am insatiable and also been recently plucked from my environment of the past few years. thrusted back into my womb-like pre-collegiate existence which is humbling. and made me somewhat fearful.
inside these walls time ceases to matter. hours droll on without end, constant televisions flickering without eyes to receive the transmission, lights with nothing to illuminate, food with no one to feed, left to rot forgotten in a cupboard, bodies like the over sized furniture that now makes maneuvering like a game of pac-man, constant corner bending, conversation avoidance balanced with dedicated though obligatory care-taking.
my brain reeling consistently with different goals than just a week ago. its no longer: will i eat today? but rather what and how much? forever stuck in repeat and shuffle like a misfiring weary itunes, in need of a well-earned upgrade, my brain has taken the nights for solitude.
i revel in those quiet moments where i can mimic my former life, trying not to envision all the wasted opportunities that my hermitism or shyness kept me from. a part of me says it is all for the best and it will be once again.
but perspective is hard to have when you feel as if you haven't seen the sun in days. when you pop up out of sleep midday with your brain still firing out thoughts as if my body merely passes out, never drifting off to sleep, like when a computer is turned off improperly. its forceful, frustrating, and has the feel of defeat.
i am seeking an escape. the tangible one of course is finding a job and thereby getting the means to get out of here and be on my own again. but what i am beginning to understand about me is that my rampant curiosity takes me to edges of my own rationality.
i want it all. i cannot be happy with current state of affairs. my ambition coupled with curiosity turn into dirty contrary nitwits who ruin any joyous occasion by always noticing what is missing, what could be and what isn't.
so as i sit here thinking of all the collaborative teams that i envy [tim burton & johnny depp, russell brand & matt morgan, julian barratt & noel fielding, andre benjamin & antwan patton, hugh laurie & stephen fry, wasalu jaco & dusean dunbar] i only hope that having an endless possibility personified in another will balance me out.
thats really what i need. my foil. i will take more than one to be honest because i got a lot going on because the silence is turning into collapsing noises, echoing almost, ringing loud and clear over it all.
thank god for my beloved comedy, radio, and music as my beautiful lifeline in my mac has been restored as best she can be and i feel whole again.
so from all this what can i deduce: try really hard not to sit still or have it be silent, enjoy the situation while you are in it even its killing you. connecting to others trumps all.
the curse of an overactive brain is nothing to do and no one to talk to. so through this oxymoronic circumstance i am sitting here alone but connecting with you all the same to satiate the beast.
now back to my hunt.
my problem?
i was born into a klan of sorts, lucky number seven i am, and we are close. my best friend has always been my sister, thus i am cursed it seems to search for surrogates.
miraculously enough i have tasted what it feels like to be with soul mates. yes, soul mates. and they have no blood relation to me. i am lucky, remember?
but i am insatiable and also been recently plucked from my environment of the past few years. thrusted back into my womb-like pre-collegiate existence which is humbling. and made me somewhat fearful.
inside these walls time ceases to matter. hours droll on without end, constant televisions flickering without eyes to receive the transmission, lights with nothing to illuminate, food with no one to feed, left to rot forgotten in a cupboard, bodies like the over sized furniture that now makes maneuvering like a game of pac-man, constant corner bending, conversation avoidance balanced with dedicated though obligatory care-taking.
my brain reeling consistently with different goals than just a week ago. its no longer: will i eat today? but rather what and how much? forever stuck in repeat and shuffle like a misfiring weary itunes, in need of a well-earned upgrade, my brain has taken the nights for solitude.
i revel in those quiet moments where i can mimic my former life, trying not to envision all the wasted opportunities that my hermitism or shyness kept me from. a part of me says it is all for the best and it will be once again.
but perspective is hard to have when you feel as if you haven't seen the sun in days. when you pop up out of sleep midday with your brain still firing out thoughts as if my body merely passes out, never drifting off to sleep, like when a computer is turned off improperly. its forceful, frustrating, and has the feel of defeat.
i am seeking an escape. the tangible one of course is finding a job and thereby getting the means to get out of here and be on my own again. but what i am beginning to understand about me is that my rampant curiosity takes me to edges of my own rationality.
i want it all. i cannot be happy with current state of affairs. my ambition coupled with curiosity turn into dirty contrary nitwits who ruin any joyous occasion by always noticing what is missing, what could be and what isn't.
so as i sit here thinking of all the collaborative teams that i envy [tim burton & johnny depp, russell brand & matt morgan, julian barratt & noel fielding, andre benjamin & antwan patton, hugh laurie & stephen fry, wasalu jaco & dusean dunbar] i only hope that having an endless possibility personified in another will balance me out.
thats really what i need. my foil. i will take more than one to be honest because i got a lot going on because the silence is turning into collapsing noises, echoing almost, ringing loud and clear over it all.
thank god for my beloved comedy, radio, and music as my beautiful lifeline in my mac has been restored as best she can be and i feel whole again.
so from all this what can i deduce: try really hard not to sit still or have it be silent, enjoy the situation while you are in it even its killing you. connecting to others trumps all.
the curse of an overactive brain is nothing to do and no one to talk to. so through this oxymoronic circumstance i am sitting here alone but connecting with you all the same to satiate the beast.
now back to my hunt.
5/21/09
performance: vocal clowning
ah the 90s: brown women could lead and singing was not sacrificed.
unfortunately style meant things tended to match, be stretchy, shiny, leather, or metallic. close your eyes & listen.
5/18/09
idea:observance
i have been in a lot of intelligent converstaions and one in particular came up that resonated a deep sadness in me. i am not the news but here is a fact: a young boy in elementary school killed himself due to hateful anti-gay bullying. read that again.
this child did all the things you are supposed to and yet he was sacrified [may he be at peace in death].
there is this thing in me, a sensistivity, that breaks when i hear of things like this. i feel the innonence or idealism peeling away. but this is also why i do what i do. that is some of the darkness i want to balance out with my light. however, what bothers me the most is that no one notices anything until there is a tragedy.
tragedies in these terms have been happening for years [remember columbine] and it has gone without any reform until now we have young children not even to make it through their formative years. there are just so many issues at hand: the system who cannot discpline without fear of government reprimands for truancy, the underpaid teachers too jaded by the system, the overpaid counselors who don't do their jobs, the parents who don't advocate for their child, the friends who don't know what to do, the bullies who are broken themselves and lashing out, the media who take advantage for ratings but surely accomplish nothing long term. it is a mess.
but the worse thing of it all for me is the mentality of believing that children do not share the same issues as adults, that they will outgrow these feelings and should "suck it up". children are people too but the reason they are so vulnerable is because they lack the perspective to "suck it up". how are you supposed to cope when everyone in your universe is either ridiculing or ignoring you?
beyond that it is the mentality that people believe that they have the right to hate. that for some reason you have the power to choose that someone else is not worthy of being here. such arrogance and truly a sign of low self-esteem in themselves. within minority cultures, that are notoriously and as far as i am concerned ignorantly homophobic, the hatred we have historically received is spewed back out into the world in a vicious violent way. and by and by, people begin to accept it to the point where someone being repeatedly taunted goes unnoticed. not to mention the other various cases of bullying, beating and raping of students, i just cannot understand how blind you have to be for this to go on.
this particular case surrounds sexuality, which is a part of who you are, not your clothes or something you will outgrow. even weight teeters upon this line of sensitivity because you feel like this is something about yourself that cannot change. but no one has the right to make you feel like you are not worthy of the life you were blessed to have. and to have that type of hate happening within the first fraction of life, so viciously that you do not want to continue on, is unacceptable.
i do not know that solution. but what i do know is that people need to start paying attention. stop talking all the time and listen. let go of ignorant hate and stop teaching it to your children.
observe and feel, tap into your sensitivity, because the kind words you give today could be talking someone off the ledge tomorrow.
as my sister told me, smile more, you never know whose day you are going to brighten.
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